Know Your Core Values (ABC’s) and Emotional Clutter (123’s)
Over the last 40 years of being a clinical social worker, one of the things I have noticed is that people are less focused on their values, and more focused on emotional clutter that matters for a minute or a day.
Values are the basic beliefs that guide you and motivate your actions. Values help you to determine what is important. Emotional clutter is a term I use to describe all those destructive ideas and mundane tasks that swirl in your brain, draining you of emotional energy, making you feel stagnant, and getting in the way of you emotionally moving forward.
Early in my clinical practice I would ask clients to identify their core values. Their usual answers would be honesty, family, respect and trust. As emotional clutter has taken over, this question is becoming a more difficult question for people to answer. Core values or our ABCs seem to have diminished in importance. Meanwhile 123s or the emotional clutter of social image crafting (social media), a 24 hour news cycle and groupthink have expanded exponentially.
Who we are has changed. Our values have changed. What is important to us has changed. It may be a sign of the times, or it could be we have allowed emotional clutter to fog our lives.
What are your core values, or your ABCs?
You may say one of your core values is family. How do you live that value, how do you exemplify that value to your partner and children? Maybe you prioritize the evening meal. No TV. No cell phones. The focus of the meal is on checking in with each member of the family to see how their day went, what they learned, what went well. Prioritizing uninterrupted time with family is demonstrating family as a core value.
You may say one of your core values is respect. How do you live that value, how do you exemplify that value to your partner and children? How do you demonstrate you are listening to someone else? The words “listens” and “silence” have the same letters, just in a different configuration. Are you silent when listening, or just waiting for an opening? Do you get defensive when challenged? Or can you listen? Listening is demonstrating respect as a core value.
You may say one of your core values is resilience, the ability to bounce back from adversity. How do you live that value, how do you exemplify that value to your partner and children? Do you always paint a rosy picture for your partner and children, or do you let them know there are ups and downs? Are you able to say to your partner and children, “I didn’t get the promotion or raise, but there is always another time”? And just keep persevering. Then celebrate with your partner and children when it does happen? Sharing, not being ashamed, of the ups and downs of life is demonstrating resilience as a core value.
To learn more about resilience, go to my website relationshipsrelearned.com and read my article 30 Ways to Boost Resilience.
What is your emotional clutter, your 123s?
Emotional clutter is the drudgery of how we spend our days. Our emotional clutter includes all those activities of daily living: the laundry, carpooling, mowing the lawn, working overtime. It really doesn’t say who we are, but rather what we do. What we do is not necessarily who we are.
You may say one of your core values is family. Or is your evening meal filled with emotional clutter, the 123s? The TV is blaring, people are coming and going to the table, cell phones are ringing. Family members are texting about later plans. This meal is about function, but it says nothing about prioritizing a family.
You may say one of your core values is respect. But do you get caught up in the emotional clutter, the 123s, or disagreeing with your partner by constantly interrupting him/her? Call your partner derogatory names? Do you “forget” to call when you are going to be late getting home? Do you listen to your children, guiding them through the rough patches of their life? Or do you solve all of their problems for them, insinuating they don’t have the skills or aren’t “good enough” to figure out their problems on their own?
You may say one of your core values is resilience, the ability to bounce back from adversity. Are you able to bounce back, or do you get caught up in the emotional clutter, the 123s? When life hands you lemons, do you make lemonade? There will be no lemonade if you are caught up with emotional clutter. Life’s trials and tribulations will crush you.
Live your ABCs; don’t be consumed by the 123s.
Do you spend so much time of your day-to-day life on emotional clutter that you don’t even realize how important it is to live your core values? Emotional clutter takes time and resources. Granted, many of the things on your 123 list have to be done: you need to go to work, and the dishes don’t wash themselves.
Is there a way of exemplifying the core value of respect AND addressing a 123 activity, for example, taking care of dirty dishes? I would say yes. Instead of leaving a used coffee mug in the sink, why not put it in the dishwasher? Or wash it, dry it and put it away? Someone else should not have to pick up after you. Including you!
What is the impact of ABCs and 123s on relationships
If you are living a life of balance between your ABCs and 123s, you have been able to identify your core values and understand the importance of having your ABCs live in harmony with your 123s.
It might be interesting to coordinate with your partner. What would s/he identify as their ABCs, or core values? How do their ABCs coincide or conflict with yours?
Are there specific relationship ABCs as opposed to individual ABCs? Yes! For example, loyalty could be an individual ABC, but it is often thought of as a relationship value.
Example
The following is an example of what your ABCs and 123s might look like if you wrote them down:
Examples of Your ABCs
A. Honesty
B. Resilience
C. Respect
D. Trust
More examples of values are included in my book, Crush Your Stress: 302 Coping Skills for Managing Your Stress
Examples of Your 123s or Your Emotional Clutter
Washing the dishes, paying bills, carpooling, mowing the lawn, washing the laundry, putting away the laundry, watching Netflix, reading on your cellphone, volunteering, working, keeping up with social media, washing the car, cooking breakfast, raking the fallen leaves, making bag lunches for the kids, watching TV, shoveling snow, painting the living room, planning meals, grocery shopping, replacing that burnt out lightbulb, vacuuming, getting gas for the car, exercising, feeding the cat, taking the dog for a walk, helping the kids with their homework, keeping up with the 24 hour news cycle, making vacation plans, cleaning out the garage or basement….
So, what are your core values? What is important to you? How can you live your values? How do the things that make up emotional clutter fit into your values? It is up to you to decide how to focus your emotional energy. Will it be values or clutter?
