In a conversation, “getting in the last word” means one person may badger, bully, coerce, and overwhelm the other person to be the last voice you hear in the conversation. It doesn’t even need to be anything meaningful for someone to fight to the bitter end to be the last one speaking! It could be something as simple as who is the better singer, Lady Gaga or Taylor Swift!
Getting in the last word happens in court all the time. The TV show Judge Judy is filled with examples of people who have brought court cases, not because of the monetary win, but because of the principle of the matter! They want the last word in a dispute.
The March 2023 court case of Terry Sanderson vs. Gwyneth Paltrow is a perfect example of getting in the last word. Paltrow was being sued for allegedly injuring Sanderson during a skiing crash in Utah. Sanderson was hoping for the last word (a payout for his injuries). Instead, the jury found Paltrow not guilty. Paltrow’s way of getting in the last word? After the verdict was read and as she was walking out of court, she leaned over to Sanderson and said, “I wish you well.” Some saw this as a sweet gesture; most saw it as a vindictive method of Paltrow getting in the last word.
What did Gwyneth Paltrow whisper to Terry Sanderson as she left the court room?
Why get in the last word?
There are many reasons why people attempt at all costs to get in the last word. It really can be summed up in one word: aggression. The person who is attempting to get in the last word doesn’t really care about what the other person thinks or feels. They only care about themselves. To read more about aggression, please read my blog Who Are The Aggressive Communicators In Your Life.
Common reasons people demand to get in the last word include:
Arrogance: An arrogant person may not be able to accept they are wrong or that someone else might have an equally valid opinion.
Bullying: For some people to feel better about themselves, they must humiliate, discredit, embarrass or coerce others to concede.
Egotistical/Selfish: The egotistical person wants to be right and be in the center of the attention so they can feel important.
Low Self-esteem: Some people disguise their lack of self-esteem with the old adage “the best defense is a good offense”.
Power and Control: People who demand respect without earning it use power and control as a weapon to eliminate discussion.
Protecting their Image: Someone may know they are wrong, or are on shaky ground, but continue to push getting in the last word anyway.
Poor Communication
When you insist on having the last word in a discussion/disagreement, you risk shutting down communication. It is hard to compromise when two people are both trying to get in the last word!
It is important to realize that someone else having the last word doesn’t mean that they are right and you are wrong. It means that they are not willing to back down at the moment. You don’t have to participate in a conversation that isn’t going anywhere. You can politely pause the conversation until another time.
Sometimes people feel that if they can get in the last word, they are going to be able to have the final say in any discussion/disagreement. They are assuming the person with the final word will actually be making a final decision, when in fact, all they have done is to alienate the other person.
Detangling from “That Person”
When you are having a discussion with somebody who refuses to listen, it is wise to think about ways to detangle yourself from the conversation.
Grace: You can express your acceptance of another person’s point of view without having to concede that they are wrong.
Walk Away: You are not obliged to continue a dialogue that makes you feel uncomfortable.
Silence: If you know the other person has no intention of considering another perspective, you can decide not to engage in the conversation.
Step Back: Channeling energy and time into a scenario that is never going to have a mutually agreeable outcome is not a worthwhile investment. This may be a time to agree to disagree.
As a word of caution about remaining silent. If you choose to remain silent and allow the other person the last word, know your silence may be perceived as agreement!
Sometimes differences of opinion can be resolved, and sometimes they can’t. Insisting on being right and demanding the last word only implies you THINK you “won” and the other person “lost”. This is not how to resolve conflict! For more information about this, please read my blog on Conflict and 4 Simple Resolutions You Should Know.
The Piece of Straw
It may feel good to be “right”. Perhaps you have just spent a tremendous amount of time and energy in arguing with your significant other, family member or co-worker. The last thing you want to do is to let go, stop, and not “win”.
Perhaps it would be helpful to think of the proverb about the straw that broke the camel’s back:
Many little pieces of straw can build to such an extent that the straw becomes too heavy and breaks the camel’s back. It wasn’t the one piece of straw that was too heavy. It was the accumulation of many little pieces of straw.
It isn’t the one time you insisted upon getting in the last word. It is the accumulation of all of the times you insisted on getting in the last word with your significant other, your family, or your co-workers. When you hold onto the notion that you HAVE to be right and get in the last word in EVERY discussion/disagreement, you are causing direct harm to your relationships.
Don’t be THAT Person
Many times getting in the last word has nothing to do with being right or wrong. It is more likely about a pattern of tension between you and your significant other or co-worker. It could be about not wanting to listen to what someone else has to say.
More often than not, getting in the last word has more to do with dominance than it does with the subject matter. This can be an example of emotional abuse.
Are you using the same pattern in an argument about who is going to do the dishes, what to buy with the income tax refund money and which set of parents you should visit during the holidays? This is no coincidence. It is a pattern of behavior.
Be present with what your significant other or co-worker is saying. Stop attempting to fix what your significant other, family member or co-worker is feeling or thinking. Just listen. Conflict is inevitable in relationships, but it’s doesn’t have to hurt and undermine the relationship. Think about the straw that broke the camel’s back.
Take Away Point
Which is more important: your ego and being right or the health of the relationship? People who are focused on getting in the last word, find their ego is the most important thing. It is difficult to have a satisfying relationship when you care more about your ego than your relationship with others.
No content in this blog was created by AI (artificial intelligence). The information presented is the perspective of the author and material amassed from 40+ years as a clinical social worker.
With warmest regards,
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