My Anger and How to Understand it
Aristotle (384 B.C.-322 B.C.) had an interesting quote about anger: Anybody can become angry – that is easy, but to be angry with the right person and to the right degree and at the right time and for the right purpose, and in the right way – that is not within everybody’s power and is not easy.
Be Angry with the Right Person
- No one “makes” you angry.
Your anger is your own. If you are angry, it is because you have CHOSEN that response. No one can MAKE you angry unless you choose to be angry. This is a technique people use when they want to blame others. To understand more about the paradigm shift and how to have control of your feelings, please read my article on The Paradigm Shift
Example: “You make me so angry!”
Effect on Relationships: Blaming someone else for “making you angry” is a great excuse for deflecting responsibility for your feelings and the behavior associated with your feelings.
- Avoid excuses for your destructive expression of anger.
Many times people will rationalize or justify their destructive expression of anger. Rationalization and justification are excuses for bad behavior. Both are an attempt to not have to take responsibility for bad behavior.
Example: “I yelled at my co-worker because he wasn’t listening.”
Effect on Relationships: This self-righteous expression of anger can be a form of emotional abusive. It is an immature method of handling responsibility and can destroy a relationship.
Be Angry in the Right Degree
- No one “explodes” when expressing anger.
Saying someone “blew up” when they were angry implies the person did not have control over their anger. This simply is not true. People use “explosion” as a rationalization (excuse) for their behavior.
Example: “It isn’t my fault, I just lost it.”
Effect on Relationships: When people blame their behavior on “losing their cool”, it is usually a tactic of power and control. It is a way to avoid responsibility for the destructive expression of anger.
- Don’t make a mountain out of a molehill.
Some people have responses to situations that seem way out of proportion. Something that could be easily resolved because “it isn’t a big deal” becomes a big deal because someone blows it out of proportion.
Example: Someone accidently dents your car in a parking lot and you rant and rave for an hour about how stupid and irresponsible the other person is. It is just a car.
Effect on Relationships: No one wants to bring things to your attention for fear your response will cause a very exaggerated situation. It means your significant other cannot trust you will act in a calm manner.
Be Angry at the Right Time
- Don’t set yourself up for the destructive expression of anger.
Most of us understand there are people and/or situations that we struggle with. If this is the case, keeping in mind HALT could be very helpful. Please read my article on Five Roadblocks to Effective Communication. Don’t set yourself up!
Example: If shopping crowds bring out the “beast” in you, don’t go shopping on Black Friday!
Effect on Relationships: Knowing particular topics and/or situations that bother you, and then proceeding when you are hungry or tired sets up you and your significant other for an argument.
- Deal with issues as they arise.
Sometimes anger is expressed as it is occurring (sometimes known as a “short fuse”), and sometimes anger is expressed hours, days, weeks, months, years or even decades after an event has occurred (sometimes known as a “long fuse”).
Example: “Where did THAT come from? I thought we resolved that weeks ago!”
Effect on Relationships: People who feel blind-sided by the anger of their significant other are less likely to work toward an agreeable resolution.
Be Angry For the Right Purpose
- State your feelings directly.
You can be direct, but respectful, in expressing your feelings (assertive). Or you can hold your feelings to yourself (passive). Or you can express your feelings without regard to what someone else is feeling (aggressive).
Example: “You know how I feel!”
Effect on Relationships: “Dancing around” with expressing how you are feeling leads to frustration and confusion.
- Depression can be anger turned inward.
There is no purpose in turning anger inward, except to engage in self-blame, self-criticism, to the point of self-disgust and self-hatred. All of which can lead to depression. Read Psychology Today article: The Perplexing Notion of Depression as “Anger Turned Inward”
Example: “I am worthless.”
Effect on Relationships: Communication with someone who has turned their anger inward, resulting in depression, can be difficult. When someone is depressed, they are less likely to express how they are feeling.
Be Angry in the Right Way
- Anger is a feeling, not a behavior.
One of the reasons for this is that many people associate the feeling of anger with the behavior of anger. Feeling angry is normal, natural, healthy, and human. Just because you feel angry, it doesn’t mean you have to do anything with that feeling.
Example: “Every time I express my anger something bad happens.”
Effect on Relationships: When you use the word “behavior” interchangeably with “emotion”, you are giving mixed messages that will be confusing to others.
- Know your Anger Triggers.
Being able to identify behaviors or words that result in feelings of anger are important. If someone is aware of their boundaries and their triggers, they are able to prepare an appropriate response. Knowing how to respond in a healthy manner, or how to ignore such behavior, will help keep tempers in check. Surprising Influence That People Have On You
Example: “Why do you have to be so sensitive?”
Effect on Relationships: There are people who will innocently say something to trigger you, and there are people who will deliberately try to trigger a response. If you know your triggers, you will be prepared to handle any situation with grace.
The healthy expression of anger can be difficult. But expressing that anger to the right person and to the right degree and at the right time and for the right purpose, and in the right way can be almost impossible. Unless you have the right skills!
Quotes about Anger:
For every minute you remain angry, you give up sixty seconds of peace of mind. Ralph Waldo Emerson (1803-1882) (Quote link)
When angry, count to ten before you speak. If very angry, count to one hundred. Thomas Jefferson (1743-1826) (Quote Link)
With warmest regards,
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