A quick fix will not free you of a problem, but a long-term solution will!
Relationships are never easy. But they don’t have to be hard, either. For a successful, healthy relationship, both people need to put in the effort for things to operate smoothly.
All relationships have bumps and turns. That is life. When those bumps and turns happen, there are two options, a quick fix or a long-term solution.
Quick Fixes
A quick fix is an action that is done in the short term to glaze over or smooth over a problem or conflict. The amazing part is that in the short term, quick fixes seem to work! For a short period of time. A quick fix is never going to result in long lasting change.
Quick fixes are used for a variety of reasons. The person saying the quick fix:
- May actually believe the quick fix is the right thing to do.
- Wants to feel better about themselves, so they will do anything to appease the other person.
- Just wants to “get off the hook” and would say or do anything for that to happen.
There is nothing sincere or honest about a quick fix. The purpose isn’t to make the relationship better or to make any changes, but, in the short run, to make things more tranquil in the relationship, quickly. Hence the term: “quick fix”.
It is easy to get confused about the phrase “quick fix”. A quick fix sounds like something is “fixed”. In fact, the problem is not resolved at all; it just continues to drive a wedge between a couple. A quick fix indicates there is no investment in changing the problematic behavior, so nothing changes.
Examples of a quick fix include:
- “I’m sorry.”
- “I’ll try.” See (“I’ll Try” = No Realistic Expectations of Success!)
- “I didn’t know.”
- “It isn’t my fault.”
- “Let’s just forget about what happened and go out to dinner or a movie.”
- “Here, I bought you some flowers (or candy, or jewelry)!”
- “We could have (make up) sex that makes everything better, right?”
- Attending individual therapy or couples counseling
- Attending a rehab program
- Attending a batterers’ intervention program (for perpetrators of domestic abuse)
- Attending AA (Alcoholics Anonymous), NA (Narcotics Anonymous), GA (Gamblers Anonymous), or PAA (Porn Addicts Anonymous).
The length of time someone is doing an activity does not mean a situation is resolved or a relationship is “fixed”. Unless someone puts effort into making changes, they could attend a 48-week batterers’ intervention program and it could still be a quick fix! Two people could attend couples counseling for weeks, months or even years, but if there is no effort outside of the counselor’s office, the counseling was just a quick fix.
Someone can attend a recovery program for an addiction (alcohol, drugs, gambling, pornography, etc.), but if all that happens is someone is attending the program with no other effort, long-term change is unlikely to happen. It was a quick fix.
And the phrase, quick fix, seems so innocent! Quick fixes are not relationship enhancing. They are just a feel-good throw away bunch of words. A quick fix is something that is done to make the person saying the quick fix feel better and to smooth over the situation. There is no promise of change or acceptance of blame in a quick fix.
Long-Term Solution
While it is not easy to accomplish, a long-term solution occurs when someone makes a commitment and follows through on doing things differently. Long-term solutions are sincere. The purpose of a long-term solution is an improved life, an improved lifestyle and an improved relationship. Examples of long-term solutions include:
- Always taking out the trash after dinner.
- Eliminating the phrase “I will try” from someone’s vocabulary.
- No longer using quick fixes.
- If someone says, “I am sorry”, there must also be, “I was wrong.” And then an explanation of how they will do things differently in the future.
- Not smoking, drinking, drugging, gambling, or watching pornography, etc.
- Not just going to a therapist’s office, but fully participating during and after the therapy session, even if it is uncomfortable.
A long-term solution is not based on a specific set time schedule. Your demonstration of respect may be something as simple as taking out the trash every day for a month, or 3 months without being prompted. The time to stop a smoking, drinking, drug, gambling or pornography addiction may be a life long struggle, one day at a time.
Long-term solutions will be rewarding. Changing or learning to do things differently will be difficult. Anything worthwhile never comes “easy”. The unhealthy habits you developed didn’t happen overnight, and they will not be changed overnight. Change will come in stages.
Relationships Relearned: Learn. Unlearn. Relearn
To be in a healthy, successful relationship, what you learned in childhood about relationships may need to be unlearned and relearned in a different way as an adult.
In childhood, you may have learned to say, “I am sorry”. You may have even been told, “Tell your little brother you are sorry for hitting him!”, when you really weren’t. Children learn very quickly that quick fixes smooth things over in the short run. Were you sorry you hit your brother? Did you stop hitting your little brother? Probably not.
Quick fixes are something you will need to unlearn. You will need to catch yourself when you say “I am sorry” or “I’ll try”. Eliminating those two little sentences will not be easy. If you want a successful, healthy relationship, it is something you will need to do.
As you are working on unlearning skills, you will need to learn how to work toward using long-term solutions. This will take time and effort, but you can do it!
Take Away
Quick fixes are something you learned in childhood. They were something you said to make yourself feel better, quickly. Quick fixes will need to be unlearned and relearned in a different way. Your relationship with a significant other may require it!
With warmest regards,
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