Four Simple Resolutions to Conflict
In my private practice I listened to my clients talk about hundreds of different topics of importance in their life. The specific topics were as diverse as the individuals, but a reoccurring theme was conflict:
• Conflict with a significant other
• Conflict with someone in their family of origin
• Conflict with someone at work
With each client, I offered that there are only four resolutions to any conflict and that the result was always theirs to obtain:
• Win – Win
• Win – Lose
• Lose – Win
• Lose – Lose
To many, the four resolutions seemed too simplistic. They felt there had to be more options! And then, because the concept is so simplistic, I would be challenged with, “Aren’t there some subjects that are so emotionally charged, that there could never be a win-win?” And I would always answer that while there are emotionally charged subjects that two people might not agree on, the end result can be included within the four resolutions.
Win – Win
A win – win occurs when “I win and you win”. It occurs when both people walk away from a conflict feeling good about the result. A win-win could also be that both parties decide to end a discussion and come back together again when they both have “cooler heads”.
Win – Lose
A win – lose occurs when “I win and you lose”. Generally, I am walking away from a conflict feeling good. I got what I wanted! Unfortunately, the other person walks away from the conflict not feeling very good. This resolution will assure that the other person will keep this “loss” in the back of their mind, and the discussion likely will come back another time.
Lose – Win
A lose – win occurs when “I lose and you win”. This is just the opposite of the above resolution. This time I feel like I am on the losing end of the conflict, and the other person gets what they want. This resolution will assure that I will keep this “loss” in the back of my mind, and the discussion will come back another time.
Lose – Lose
A lose – lose occurs when “I lose and you lose”. This resolution occurs when both people walk away from a conflict feeling like they didn’t get what they were seeking. Neither person “gets their own way”. The conflict will surely rise again.
Win – Win in Relationships
John C. Maxwell (1947- ) is an author and public speaker who has a common-sense approach to a win-win: The best relationships are win-win. It is a puzzle why more people don’t go into relationships with that attitude.
Have you ever been in a disagreement with someone and the other person brings up some issue from a week, month or year ago? Their bringing the subject up now seemed so out of place? You might even have said, “Why are you bringing that up now? We decided that weeks/months/years ago!” Aha! The subject was over for you because you won. The subject was NOT over for the other person because they lost! Whoever loses will bring back the subject another day. It is always best to come up with a win-win solution!
See my article: Five Roadblocks to Effective Communications
Five Tips for Attaining a Win-win Solution
- Don’t start with a goal in mind.
If you are already focused on what you want as an end result of a discussion, there will be no room for negotiation.
Example: If you are stuck on a goal of convincing your significant other to take a cruise to Alaska, anything short of going to Alaska will be a loss. If you begin your vacation planning discussion by being open minded, with an ultimate desire to go on a unique vacation, you have a greater likelihood of agreement on some place wonderful!
- Strip the emotion and deal with the facts.
It is very easy for emotion to rule a discussion. If this happens, somewhere along the way the facts can easily get lost, and a lose-lose results.
Example: You and your significant other are having a discussion about purchasing a boat. One person is very excited about relaxing out on the water in the sunshine (emotion), and the other person is concerned about the cost of owning and operating a boat (the facts).
- What is in it for each person?
Figuring out what is in it for everyone can help. For a win-win to occur it is vital to determine the best interests of both parties.
Example: One person in a relationship has been offered a better paying job in another state. While relocating might be a great promotion for one person, the other person will need to find a new job. Determining how it might benefit the other person, for example, going back to school, is the only way to make this geographic move a win-win.
- Reframing the subject.
Sometimes there is more than one way to figure out a problem and come to a win-win solution.
Example: You and your significant other are going away on a second honeymoon. Both sets of grandparents have assumed they will be the ones to watch their grandchildren. It may seem like there are only 2 options: one set of grandparents or the other set of grandparents will watch the children. Coming up with other creative ideas will be important!
- If all else fails, aim for the “best” lose-lose.
If after much negotiation you cannot pull out a win for either side, figure out what is your “best” lose-lose.
Example: You and your significant other have been disagreeing “forever” about who does household chores, and when they are done. The chore that results in the most arguments is cleaning the bathroom. Since neither person wants to clean the bathroom, there is going to be a lose-lose. Perhaps a “best” lose-lose might be alternating weeks of who cleans the bathroom.
Phycology Today – Happiness With Others: Practice Win-Win
When you find yourself in a conflict with someone, keep in mind the five tips to working toward a win-win solution. President Jimmy Carter (1924- ) has a wonderful quote about win-win solutions, “Unless both sides win, no agreement can be permanent.”
With warmest regards,
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