Content To Process Shift
When was the last time you wanted to talk with your significant other about a serious topic and before you knew it you were discussing something entirely different? And you wondered what happened.
You know, the time you were talking to your significant other about saving money by buying a used car vs. spending the extra money on a new car. And before you were aware of it, you were defending yourself from verbal attacks about “You don’t seem to mind buying new clothing”.
These are examples of “deflection”, “snowing” or “gas lighting”. Another term that is more explicit for this common destructive communication technique is “content to process shift”. It is a technique used to direct attention away from the person who doesn’t want to hear what is being said and/or doesn’t want to accept responsibility for his/her actions.
Your discussion about the original topic (content) becomes a discussion or argument about an unrelated topic (process). It is an avoidance technique.
Recognizing Content to Process Shift
Content to process shift is a crafty technique that many people don’t even recognize. It is virtually impossible to respond in a healthy manner if you don’t even realize you are being sucked down the rabbit hole of someone else’s nonsense!
There are key words, phrases and nonverbal communication techniques that are common to the content to process shift:
- “You” at the beginning of a sentence.
For example, “You never listen.” - Blanket generalities.
For example, “You always interrupt me” or “We never talk about what is important to me” - The temperature in the room goes up.
For example, voices get louder and/or a tone of voice becomes harsher. - There are threats.
For example, “Okay, I just won’t say anything then” or “If I am not good enough, maybe we should just go our separate ways” - A return volley.
For example, “It isn’t like you don’t always interrupt me” or “It isn’t like you don’t spend money on frivolous things!” - You feel like you are in the eye of a tornado.
For example, a discussion about one thing morphs into this, that and any other thing. Tornados pick up debris (past argument topics) as they swirl and gain speed.
Right or Wrong?
If someone has made the decision to use content to process shift, know that person is coming from a place of weakness, guilt and perhaps even fear. It is likely the person using content to process shift is well aware they are “in the wrong”. Why else would there be an attempt to deflect?
When someone is using content to process shift with you, it is because they know you are right and they are in the wrong. Their use of this technique is to get you to doubt yourself and to question your own logic. This is the gaslighting aspect.
Sounds wild, doesn’t it?
At the exact point you are questioning yourself, YOU are the one who is logical, reasonable and in the right! There is no need to play this game.
How to Respond to Someone Using Content to Process Shift
There are two factors to take into consideration when you recognize you are the recipient of a content to process attempt. The first factor is to realize your topic is on point. There is no need to become defensive if you are right. It may be helpful to think of another way to phrase your content, maybe even lowering your voice or avoiding words that might inflame the discussion, for example, you, always and never.
A second factor to keep in consideration if you are right, is that there is no need to humiliate the other person. You do not need to be demeaning or play on their fears. You already know you were right by their use of content to process shift. The use of one of the following assertive statements, or versions of the following assertive statements, might be helpful:
- “What you are saying is important. Can we come back to it when we have resolved our original topic?”
- “I hear your concerns. Can we come back to that? It is hard for me to focus on two topics at once.”
You may need to repeat your assertive statement several times in multiple different ways. That is okay. The point is not to get taken down their rabbit hole. Remember you are the one who is right.
Example 1: Olivia and Kurt
Olivia opens the credit card bill and is shocked to see a large charge on the credit card.
The second Kurt walks into the house, Olivia confronts Kurt and says, “We didn’t pay off the credit card last month. Why did you charge $1,000 worth of fishing gear?”
Kurt demands to see the credit card bill and says, “What are you talking about? Look at all the charges on here for shoes! If you didn’t buy so many new shoes we wouldn’t be in this situation!
Olivia responds, “It was one pair of sandals for $50!”
Kurt raises his voice and says, “I don’t know why you have to have so many shoes! Your closet is full of shoes!”
Olivia repeats, “It was one pair of sandals!”
Olivia and Kurt are now talking about what? Right, her shoes.
Kurt knows he shouldn’t have spent $1,000 on fishing equipment, so he begins deflecting. They have moved away from talking about fishing equipment and they are onto talking about shoes. Without skill on Olivia’s part, what are the chances Kurt and Olivia will ever return to talking about how to pay off the Visa bill? How successful was Kurt in drawing attention away from his purchase of $1,000 worth of fishing gear?
What would have happened if Olivia had recognized the content to process shift and not gone down Kurt’s rabbit hole of deflection? What would have happened if she stayed focused on the fishing gear?
Example 2 Olivia and Kurt
Olivia opens the credit card bill and is shocked to see a large charge on the credit card.
The second Kurt walks into the house, Olivia confronts Kurt and says, “We didn’t pay off the credit card last month. Why did you charge $1,000 worth of fishing gear?”
Kurt demands to see the credit card bill and says, “What are you talking about? Look at all the charges on here for shoes! If you didn’t buy so many new shoes we wouldn’t be in this situation!
Olivia keeps her voice calm and responds, “I am happy to talk about how we can pay off the $50 sandals after we talk about how we can pay for $1,000 worth of fishing equipment.”
Kurt raises his voice and says, “I don’t know why you have to have so many shoes! You are always buying more shoes!”
Olivia continues to keep her voice calm, “I know there is a charge on there for a pair of $50 sandals. I am happy to talk about how we can pay them off after we talk about how we can pay for $1,000 worth of fishing equipment.”
Take Away Point
It is easy to be influenced by someone else’s insecurities and destructive deflection techniques. Being aware of this technique and how to respond allows you to stay focused on the subject (content) and not be flooded with defensive comebacks (process).
With warmest regards,
Thank you so much for reading this blog. If you enjoyed the content, please check out other blogs at:
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