Welcome! I am glad you are here.
As part of Domestic Abuse Awareness Month, this blog focuses on domestic abuse, specifically the concept that domestic abuse is not an anger management problem.
Reminder: If you read my last blog (published 9/29/20) when I speak of working with batterers, or perpetrators of domestic abuse, I will always use the pronoun “he”. Click here to read my blog post about How to Define Domestic Abuse. When I speak of victims of domestic abuse, I will always use the pronoun “she”. Not because victims of domestic abuse cannot be men, but because my area of expertise is working with men who are abusive to women. It is what I have spent decades doing. It is what I know.
The myth of Anger and Domestic Abuse
Batterers would love it if society believed the myth: batterers cannot control their anger.
Doesn’t having an “anger management problem” sound so much better, and less offensive, than saying, “I’m a batterer?” Think about the world of excuses that would open up for the batterer! His destructive expression of “anger” just became “legitimized”. He could say, “I couldn’t help it!” or “It’s not my fault! I just lost it!”
The batterer could also just brush aside his “angry”, really abusive behavior, by saying, “Boys will be boys!” This statement somehow implies that all men are abusive and behave in the same manner. This certainly is not true! Most men are not abusive in their intimate relationships.
Many batterers will grudgingly go to an anger management program. He would much prefer attending an anger management program rather than a batterers’ intervention program! In an anger management program he will learn about emotions, and skills for managing his anger. The ironic part is he could teach the class on how to control behavior. He controls his behavior every time he is a “nice guy” in public and abusive at home. An anger management will never be successful in teaching a man how to be non-abusive. I know this because for 20 years I facilitated an anger management group.
He is likely to be able to coerce his partner/victim to go to couples counseling with him, so she can learn how to help him when he gets “angry”. This is an incredibly dangerous situation to put the victim into. Unless the therapist is VERY well versed in identifying domestic abuse in a relationship, it is likely the therapist will view the presenting problem as one of joint responsibility for the relationship problems. The batterer will focus on her behavioral contribution to their problems, focusing on her anger. And absolutely the worst case scenario is having the therapist put a victim into a position of reminding the batterer how to control his “anger” when he is being abusive to her. When there is domestic abuse in the home, couples counseling is absurd!
Power and Control
Domestic abuse is a systematic method of asserting and maintaining power and control in an intimate relationship. Power and control are not the same as anger.
Anger, on the other hand, is a universal, normal, healthy emotion, that when present, includes some sort of physiological effect, for example, an increased heart rate. The random target of anger can be a thing, a situation, another person, or even yourself.
There are three main points concerning the myth that batterers cannot control their anger:
• First, anger is a universal emotion, and batterers certainly feel the emotion of anger. It just isn’t the cause of their abuse.
• Second, the expression of anger by a batterer is one tactic used by batterers to assert and maintain power and control over his intimate partner.
• Third, if a batterer can convince his victim that his behavior is the result of anger, not abuse, his behavior is more likely to be forgiven.
His “anger” vs. her anger
A batterer doesn’t have a problem with his own expression of anger; he has a problem with his victim’s expression of anger. In the batterers’ intervention program classes I co-facilitated for 23 years, batterers would want to focus on their victim and her anger. Batterers would justify their abuse by saying their behavior was in retaliation for their victim expressing her anger. It was all about blaming her.
Men in the batterers’ intervention program would see the expression of her anger as a personal attack on him and his manhood. Many batterers see themselves almost as martyrs for “putting up with” their victim’s anger. The batterer would say it was her anger that was destroying the relationship.
Her expression of anger gave him an “excuse” for his behavior. He would be emotionally abusive behind closed doors, but always seemed so nice and friendly in public. When she would become frustrated and angry because no one else saw what she did, it gave him one more reason to point out to others how “crazy” and “angry” she is.”
Anger as an abuse tactic
Batterers are abusive to their intimate partners because emotionally and physically they can and because their behavior gets them what they want.
Anger is frequently used as an abuse tactic. How do we know this? Because:
• He picks who he batters, for example, he is not abusive to his boss, or his co-workers, only his partner/victim.
• He chooses where on her body he is physically abusive, for example, if he wants to remain the “nice guy” in public, he will be physically abusive where she can cover bruising with clothing.
• He chooses when he batters, for example, behind closed doors, when the children are in school, when no one else is around. Not in public.
• He stops when it benefits him to do so, for example, if police come to the door, he can become instantly calm. He has a huge investment in being seen as the “nice guy”.
The effect of domestic abuse on a relationship
Many years ago when someone explained domestic abuse to me, they said, “If you want a good time, date a batterer…….. once.” Usually when someone repeats that statement there are some rather uncomfortable forced snickers or laughs. Victims know what that statement means. In the beginning of a relationship abusive men are the nicest people in the world. They are polite, and courteous. Over time is when the battering begins.
Domestic abuse is erosive. It is like the ocean, continually pulling and tugging at the sand to leave the safety of the beach. If you think about it, how many of us would enter into a relationship with someone if on the very first date he beat you, gave you a black eye?
Domestic abuse destroys trust. Trust that you feel safe in your own home. Trust that your partner has your back in every situation, no matter what. Without trust it is very difficult for a relationship to exist, let alone thrive.
Domestic abuse destroys respect. It is virtually impossible to respect a person who hurts you, emotionally, physically or sexually. Certainly the batterer does not respect his partner if he is victimizing her.
Domestic abuse destroys honest, deep, sincere communication. The batterer is worried about his image with the world, so he will not talk honestly about his thoughts and feelings. The victim doesn’t want to be abused, so she will tiptoe around to avoid being abused.
Domestic abuse eventually destroys hope. In tough times sometimes all that is left is hope. Hope the abuse will stop. Hope he will change his behavior. Hope their life will improve. His behavior isn’t in her control. It is all in control of the batterer.
When I did presentations, I was frequently asked if relationships could survive domestic abuse. Of the hundreds (thousands?) of people I worked with in my private practice and the batterers intervention program, more often than not, domestic abuse was an insurmountable problem, a relationship breaker. I have also seen abusive relationships survive. However, the relationship can only survived when:
• the man admitted he was abusive
• he works toward unlearning his abusive behavior patterns
• he stops using power and control and
• he relearns a respectful manner of interacting with his partner.
There are women who have forgiven, but not forgotten, the abuse. There are women who, even if he does all of those things listed above, still may not want to continue the relationship. Every relationship is different. Click here to read my article What is a Healthy Relationship?
Best Practice
I am so grateful to have lived and worked in the State of Maine where domestic abuse was taken seriously. Just before I left Maine in 2018, by Legislative statute, batterers’ intervention programs were deemed the best practice intervention when domestic abuse is present. In Maine, people who were convicted of domestic abuse are required to attend a batterers’ intervention program, NOT anger management. Good job, Maine! https://www.mcedv.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/06/2.19.16-LD150-Final-Report.pdf
There will be many more blogs to come about domestic abuse. It is my passion.
If you are a victim of domestic abuse, or think you might be, please contact your local program for victims of domestic abuse or contact the National Domestic Abuse Hotline @ 1 800-799-7233 or for more information go to https://www.thehotline.org/
If you are a victim of sexual abuse, or think you might be, please contact your local program for victims of sexual abuse or contact RAINN (Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network) @ 1 800-656.HOPE (4673). Or online @ https://rainn.org
If you are a batterer, or think you might be, please contact your local intervention program for men who are abusive. If there is not one in your local area, please contact me. I will work with you to find someone who can provide the education you need to learn to be non-abusive.
I hope this blog has provided you with new information that will be helpful to you in all your relationships. If you have any comments or questions about the content of this blog, please contact me: Kathryn@relationshipsrelearned.com
Are current life situations causing you stress? Do you need a plan or new ideas on how to decrease your stress and anxiety? My book may help: Crush Your Stress: 302 Coping Skills for Managing Your Stress.
