When was the last time you initiated a discussion, only to have it end up in an argument?
Were you then, or are you now, able to recognize your contribution to turning a discussion into an argument? Perhaps you have heard the Leroy Eldridge Cleaver (1935 – 1998) saying “if you are not part of the solution, you are part of the problem”.
Part of the process of relearning new communication skills is to recognize the destructive skills you may have learned as children and continue to use today. Learning to avoid the following five roadblocks to communication will improve your relationships with family, friends and acquaintances.
Being able to successfully communicate will help you avoid arguments and will lead to richer, fuller and more productive relationships.
Communication Road Blocks
Roadblock #1: Avoiding Responsibility for Communication
There are two very common mistaken beliefs about communication. The first mistaken belief is that when one person (“a sender”) wants to talk about something, it is the responsibility of the other person (the “receiver”) to listen and participate in the discussion. It may be relationship enhancing for the receiver to listen, but the receiver is not responsible for maintaining communication.
The second mistaken belief is that both the sender and the receiver are equally responsible for communication to occur. Communication is the sole responsibility of the sender. During communication the roles of the sender (the person speaking) and the receiver (the person listening) will be exchanged frequently.
For communication to occur the sender is required to:
1. Develop “a hook” to encourage the receiver to be engaged in the subject.
2. Make sure the setting is agreeable for communication.
3. Assure there is enough time to discuss the topic to a natural resolution.
4. Ensure there is the potential for a mutually successful resolution.
5. Express to the receiver a willingness to listen to the receiver’s point of view.
Example #1 of Sender and Receiver:
Diane is surprised when she opens the Visa bill and sees more than $1,100 in charges for fishing gear. The second John walks into the house, Diane confronts John and says “you charged $1,100 worth of fishing gear on the Visa??? Thanks to you and your stupid fishing gear, we won’t be able to pay it off in full this month!!
1. Did Diane pick the right time and the right setting to discuss the credit card bill (see Roadblock #2 below).
2. Is there a chance John will be defensive (see Roadblocks #3 and #5)?
3. Does the tone of Diane’s voice promote communication in saying “thanks to you and your stupid fishing” (see Roadblock #4)?
Roadblock #2: Rushing Communication: H.A.L.T.
Have you ever said “I just need to get this off my chest” and blurted out whatever was on your mind? And expected the other person to engage in a healthy “give and take”?
Frequently we want to have a discussion whenever we want to have a discussion. If the sender rushes into a discussion, or doesn’t take the time to check in with the other person to see if it is a good time for them to talk, it is likely an argument will ensue.
“HALT” is a term commonly used by the “old timers” in Alcoholics Anonymous. The “old timers” would say that if any one of these four situations occur (H.A.L.T.), a relapse is likely to occur. If two or more of these situations occur, the higher the likelihood of relapse. This theory is just as true for communication. If any one of these four situations is occurring, communication is unlikely to happen. The more situations involved, the less likely communication will occur:
H Hungry
A Angry
L Lonely
T Tired
Example #2 of HALT:
When Diane opened the mail she felt angry that so much money had been charged on the Visa card. She also felt betrayed (betrayed = lonely) because their financial agreement to keep all charges to no more than $250 at any one time wasn’t kept. When Diane approached John there were already at least two of HALT warning situations present: angry and lonely.
John had been at work all day. When he walked into the house and was confronted by Diane , it is likely he was hungry and tired, two more HALT warning situations.
1. With a minimum of four warning situations present, what is the chance of effective communication occurring?
2. Do you think they will be able to come to an agreeable plan to pay off the bill before the end of the month?
The best “hook” in this situation would have been for Diane to “check in” with herself, and then with John, to determine if they both were in the right frame of mind to discuss the Visa bill. For example “Is this a good time to talk about the Visa bill?” The purpose in this situation is to use the concept:
• HALT for yourself (stop and think before you speak).
• HALT for the other person (stop and check in with the other person).
Roadblock #3: The Technique of “Content to Process Shift”
“Content-to-process shift” is a common destructive communication technique. It is used to deflect attention away from the person who doesn’t want to accept responsibility for his/her actions. Sometimes this technique is called “gas lighting” because when challenged, a simple discussion about one subject morphs into a defensive challenge. The discussion becomes an argument about the second subject as a method of avoiding the original subject.
This is a frequently used and very destructive technique in any relationship. Deflection away from the original subject is the goal.
Example #3 of Content-to-Process Shift:
Because money is tight, Diane and John had made an agreement that neither of them would charge more than $250 during any one month without consulting the other. The second John walks into the house, Diane confronts John and says “you charged $1,100 worth of fishing gear on the Visa??? Thanks to you and your stupid fishing gear, we won’t be able to pay it off in full this month!!”
John demands to see the credit card bill, and said: “I am not a child! I don’t need to check in with you to spend money! And look at all these charges on here for shoe stores! If you didn’t buy those new shoes we would be able to pay off the bill this month! Diane responds: “It was 3 pair of sandals for $55, not $1,100 for fishing gear!”
John: “You spend too much money on shoes! I don’t know why you have to have so many! Your closet is full of shoes!” Diane: “They cost $55!”
John: “If you can’t figure out a way to pay off the bill this month I guess you will just have to return the sandals!”
1. What are the chances John and Diane will ever return to talking about how to pay off the Visa bill?
2. Was John successful in drawing attention away from his purchase of fishing gear?
Roadblock #4: Not being Consistent with Verbal and Nonverbal Communication
Verbal communication includes the words we say and the tone of voice we use. The spoken word accounts for only about 10% of our communication with others. Our tone of voice is by far the most important part of our verbal communication with others. It accounts for about 55% of our communication.
Example #4: Tone of Voice
Instead of using content-to-process shift, what if John’s response was completely different. What if John looked directly at Diane and said in a sincere tone of voice:
”I am really interested in what you are saying.”
Read the following sentences out loud, emphasizing the bold word.
How would changing the emphasis from one word to another change the “tone of voice”:
”I am really interested in what you are saying.”
”I am really interested in what you are saying.”
1. Does John sound sincere or sarcastic in the three sentences?
2. How do you think Diane would have responded to the first sentence as opposed to the last two sentences?
If your words, tone of voice and body language don’t match you are leaving a confusing message for the receiver. Based on statistics, the receiver will likely believe the tone of voice (55% of communication) over the words being said (10% of communication), or the body language (35% of communication). If communication is your goal, your verbal and nonverbal communication must match! The blue puzzle pieces below represent words, tone of voice and body language fitting together.
Roadblock #5: Inspiring Defensiveness: “You”
Has anyone ever said to you “You need to listen to me!” or “You need to quiet down!”? Did you say to yourself “Oh my, I need to be quiet and listen right now!”? Or did you say “I don’t have to do anything!” and keep right on talking?
For many people the process of using “you” at the beginning of a sentence results in defensiveness for the person you are trying to engage in communication. The “you” at the beginning of a statement shows disrespect and should be avoided at all costs, unless of course you are making the following two statements:
• “You are right”; or
• “You look marvelous.”
Example #5 of “you” at the beginning of a sentence:
Both John and Diane used “you” at the beginning of their sentences:
• When John walked in the door, Diane confronted John by saying “you spent too much money on fishing gear”.
• John confronted Diane by saying “you spent too much money on shoes”.
1. Did John feel defensive immediately after Diane started her sentence with the word “you”?
2. Did Diane end up feeling defensive after John started his sentence with the word “you”?
This frequently used “technique” is detrimental to communication and puts the other person on the defensive.
Summary
Using any of these roadblocks to communication will not get you what you want, a successful relationship with yourself, your family and friends, or with your acquaintances. Relearning skills starts with understanding which skills to unlearn. These five roadblocks to communication will be a good start.
AI has not been used to create any content for or my website, articles, blogs or books. All material is original unless otherwise noted.
All photos and graphics within my website and blogs were taken or created by David Harrington or Kathryn Maietta.
Posted: 9/20
Revised: 6/24
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