Comments from Kathryn, the author of this blog and a licensed clinical social worker: Infidelity or “cheating” is a topic that comes up way too often in therapy sessions. Some people are convinced that infidelity is “only” sexual intercourse with someone outside of a committed monogamous relationship. Others are convinced that repeatedly texting a person who is not their intimate partner or frequently watching online pornography is infidelity. Your opinion is your opinion, but for future discussions with an intimate partner it might be important for you to learn some general information about the topic of infidelity.

Types of Infidelity

What is infidelity to one person may not be infidelity to someone else. Most people would identify infidelity as sexual intercourse with someone who is not your significant other. But does the behavior even have to be sexual or could it be emotional in nature to be considered infidelity?

One of the best things you can do for your primary relationship is to have a clear discussion and agreement with your significant other about what each person considers to be infidelity and perhaps how infidelity would be handled.

Common examples of infidelity include, but are not limited to:

1. Cyber contact: Online communication through sexting and/or chats. The two people may never meet in person.
2. Emotional affair: This is when one significant other withdraws emotional interest in their significant other and becomes emotionally attached to someone else.
3. Object affair: This is the neglect of a relationship to pursue an outside interest, such as a Dungeons and Dragons group, or a sports game.
4. Pornography: This includes watching pornography online or via DVD or making calls to 1 900 telephone numbers.
5. Revenge affair: The infidelity may be justified as “pay back” for the other significant other’s having an affair, or a way of “evening the score” for a loss in an argument.
6. Secondary relationship: A person has an emotional and sexual connection in a primary committed relationship, but also an extracurricular relationship.
7. Serial or repeat cheaters: Individuals who are more interested in the conquest, or instant gratification of sex activity rather than a relationship.
8. Sexual affair: One significant other may have sex outside the relationship, but there is little to no emotional connection. An example of this is a “one night fling”.

Discussing consequences for behavior does not encourage infidelity. It actually defines boundaries. Separation and divorce are two consequences for infidelity.

The Effects of Infidelity

For obvious reasons, infidelity is devastating to a relationship. Some people who have been cheated on may be able to heal and ultimately say, “This too shall pass”. Others who were cheated on may stay stuck in any one of the following:

• self-blame
• grief and loss
• anxiety
• depression
• decreased self-esteem

For the person who was the cheater? It is complicated. Despite the initial thrill of an affair, cheating can negatively affect the cheater as well. It is common for the cheater to feel:

• anxiety and worry
• guilt
• shame
• regret
• embarrassment

Affairs are almost always made public. When the affair becomes public, the significant other isn’t the only person who will judge the cheater. There are plenty of others in the cheater’s life who will look down upon him or her, for example:

• in-laws
• parents
• siblings
• friends
• co-workers
• their children

Effects on the Relationship

1. Trust is lost: Once a person has been cheated on, and trust has been violated, it is difficult to regain.
2. Everything is questioned: The person who was cheated on begins to question everything else they’ve been told over time and wonders what other falsehoods there may have been.
3. Disturbs the power balance: When there is infidelity, the power differential becomes skewed. It becomes difficult to re-balance and will likely sway back and forth as the couple attempt to find a new norm or balance.
4. Elephant in the room syndrome: Even after the cheater has made amends, the fact of the affair remains and often becomes the “elephant in the room”. It is a factor that cannot be undone.
5. Irreparable damage: One possible outcome of infidelity is a primary relationship that cannot be repaired. Cheating doesn’t have to be the end of a relationship, but it can be if a couple isn’t able to come to terms with it.

Red Flags

If there has been infidelity in your relationship, there are seven red flags which may be indicators it is time to walk away from the cheater and your relationship. If your significant other:

1. won’t apologize for the affair
2. refuses to go to counseling or have a 3rd party mediator
3. doesn’t demonstrate any interest in putting effort into making his/her primary relationship stronger
4. is still in contact with the person s/he cheated with
5. doesn’t demonstrate a renewed committed to your primary relationship
6. continues to lie about anything, even about “little things”
7. won’t take responsibility for being a cheater and instead blames other people, stress in their life, or even you!

Stay or Leave?

If you have been cheated on, whether you decide to stay or leave, one thing is for certain: get tested for sexually transmitted diseases and protect yourself from future sexually transmitted diseases the cheater may have brought home.

To stay or leave is a personal decision. Sometimes the infidelity is so harmful that the damage cannot be repaired, and the affair ends the relationship. Other times, couples can and do repair the relationship. Significant others who choose to rebuild their relationship after an affair frequently use therapy as an independent moderator to help rebuild trust in their relationship.

Take Away Point

Infidelity in a primary relationship is incredibly harmful and hurtful. Having a discussion early in your relationship with your significant other about what infidelity might look like in your relationship could actually save your relationship later.

Once infidelity occurs, frequently the person who cheated will make promises that it will never happen again. Can you trust them? Assessing their responses to the red flag section of this blog may be helpful.
If the information in this blog has been interesting to you, you may be interested in checking out my book about relationships: Relationships Relearned: A Guide to Achieving Healthy & Successful Relationships. It contains more information on how infidelity and other topics can affect an intimate relationship.

With warmest regards,

Thank you so much for reading this blog. If you enjoyed the content, please check out other blogs at:
https://relationshipsrelearned.com/my-blog/
https://rvingnomads.com/blog/

In addition to blogs and articles, I have written a series of self-help books. To view these books, please go to my Amazon Authors Page or go to the Self-Help Books tab at the top of this page.

To be notified of future posts, please enter your email address and click on the Subscribe button.

If you live in the State of Maine or Texas and seeking individual therapy, please go to my Concierge Therapy website: www.kathynmaietta.com

Kathryn Maietta, MSW, LCSW Licensed Clinical Social Worker / Author and Blogger

I am a licensed clinical social worker in Maine and in Texas. The focus of my practice has been working individually with adult men and women and working with couples. I received my BSW from Baylor University and my MSW from Boston University. Since 2020 I have published a series of self-help books and written a bi-weekly mental health blog.

See Full Bio

Anger Management Domestic Abuse/Violence Relationships Stress and Anxiety Communication Resilience