• Home
  • About Me
  • My Self-Help Books
  • Concierge Therapy
  • Articles
    • 30 Ways to Boost Resilience
    • Domestic Abuse Is An Important Community Issue
    • Five Roadblocks to Effective Communication
    • The Paradigm Shift
    • Three Brains: What is The Figurative Concept?
    • What is a Healthy Relationship?
  • Blog
  • PDF Forms
  • Contact Me

Devoted to successful and healthy relationships.

Kathryn@relationshipsrelearned.com
Relationships RelearnedRelationships Relearned
Relationships Relearned offers everything
you need to know to create
healthy and successful relationships.
  • Home
  • About Me
  • My Self-Help Books
  • Concierge Therapy
  • Articles
    • 30 Ways to Boost Resilience
    • Domestic Abuse Is An Important Community Issue
    • Five Roadblocks to Effective Communication
    • The Paradigm Shift
    • Three Brains: What is The Figurative Concept?
    • What is a Healthy Relationship?
  • Blog
  • PDF Forms
  • Contact Me

Saying “I’ll Try” = No Realistic Expectation of Success!

This wild rose plant seen here did not try to grow in the ledge, it just did!
This wild rose plant did not try to grow in the ledge, it just did!

Saying “I’ll Try” = No Realistic Expectation of Success!

July 5, 2022 Communication, Relationships, Self-Esteem, Uncategorized

“I’ll Try” Defined

In the picture above, do you think the wild rose in the ledge at Acadia National Park “tried” to grow in the ledge? Or did it just grow? There is a two-word sentence in the English language that should be banished: “I’ll try.” When you say ”I’ll try”, what you are really saying is that you have no realistic expectation of success. If you expected to be successful, you would have developed a plan and implemented it.

Saying “I’ll try” is really a lie you tell someone else to make them feel better. Or to get someone else to leave you alone and stop “harassing” you.

Or maybe it is a game you play with yourself. A lie you tell yourself to make you feel better.

A Defense Mechanism

To say “I’ll try” is a defense mechanism. It is something you might say to protect yourself from emotional harm. “I’m going to try to _________.” buys you some time before you have to do whatever it was you said you were going to do. For example, you tell your partner, “I’ll try to stop smoking cigarettes”. If you had any real intention of stopping your cigarette use, you would just do it.

Saying “I am going to ________ (fill in the blank)” is very similar to “I’ll try.” You are making a prediction, without a plan. If your plan was to cut back on the number of hours you are scrolling on your phone, you would develop a plan. You would set a date in the near future. And there would be action. You wouldn’t keep talking about it, you would just do it.

Granted, it is important to have the intention of doing something. Having the intention means you have given a concept some thought as to the importance of doing something. Perhaps you are spending less time than you would like with your partner and/or your children because you are scrolling on your cell phone or chatting with “friends” on social media.

The problem with saying “I am going to ________ ” or “I’ll try to ” ________ is that there is more emphasis put on the prediction than the reality. Without an intent there could be no action.

The Illusion of Work

The illusion of work is giving the illusion of action. It is the “busy work” associated with accomplishing a goal. It makes others, and maybe even you, think you are moving toward a goal. Examples of the illusion of work would be:

  • Reading diet books
  • Talking with a nutritionist
  • Buying new sneakers for walking

Notice how these are all actions: reading, talking and buying. But none are accomplishments. Is it important for someone to do preparation work, for example, reading books on how to do something? Of course. But these can also be the illusions of work for others and for yourself. If someone challenges you and asks how you are coming on your losing weight plans, your answer can be about your actions, but nothing about losing one pound. It is all an illusion.

Identifying Goals

What is the opposite of the illusion of work? Planning and implementing goals. When you are thinking about setting a goal, it usually falls into one of the following categories:

• Employment
• Finances
• Health (physical and/or emotional)
• Relationships (family of origin or family of creation)
• Sleep

Accomplishing your Goals

Making changes in life can be very difficult. This difficulty is why you can delude yourselves by saying “I’ll try” or “I’m going to ________”. Setting goals (planning), and implementing these goals takes courage. It will require you to look honestly at yourself and your actions. Not always the easier things to do!

Identifying your long-term goal, your short-term goal for this week, any benefits and obstacles you may encounter and the people who will support you can be the first steps to eliminating those two ugly phrases from your vocabulary.

Example One:
My long-term goal is: I will lose 20 pounds.
A short-term goal I can do this week to achieve my long-term goal is: I will give away any candy, cookies and crackers in the pantry.
Benefits to achieving my short-term goals are: If these items aren’t around, I won’t eat them!
Obstacles to achieving my short-term goals are: Thinking because I just spent $10 on three packages of double stuff Oreos, I shouldn’t just give them away or throw them away.
People who can help me achieve my short-term goals are: My co-workers who would love 3 packages of Oreos!

Example Two:
My long-term goal is: I will stop smoking cigarettes for good!
A short-term goal I can do this week to achieve my long-term goal is: I will talk with my doctor about medication that might help me stop smoking.
Benefits to achieving my short-term goals are: I have quit many times, but it has never lasted more than a couple of days.
Obstacles to achieving my short-term goals are: My mindset that I have failed so many times. “Everyone” I spend time with (partner, family, friends, co-workers) all smoke.
People who can help me achieve my short-term goals are: My doctor, my non-smoking family, friends and co-workers.

Read my recent blog on 10 Proven Ways to Boost Your Self-Esteem

Take Away Point

Stop saying “I’ll try” or “I am going to ________”. Stop pretending you are going to do something when you have no intention of putting in the effort. If you have no realistic expectation of success, admit it. The illusion of work is not healthy for you nor is it healthy for the others you are lying to. Develop a plan and implement it. Stop giving yourself an excuse for not accomplishing your goals. Be like Yoda in the movie, The Empire Strikes Back: “Do or do not, there is no try”.
StarWars.com – 10 Best Yoda Quotes

With warmest regards,
Kathryn-End of Post Signature

Thank you so much for reading this blog. If you enjoyed the content, please check out other blogs at:
www.relationshipsrelearned.com
www.rvingnomads.com

To be notified of future posts, please enter your email address and click on the Subscribe button.

author avatar
Kathryn Maietta, MSW, LCSW Licensed Clinical Social Worker / Author and Blogger
I am a licensed clinical social worker in Maine and in Texas. The focus of my practice has been working individually with adult men and women and working with couples. I received my BSW from Baylor University and my MSW from Boston University. Since 2020 I have published a series of self-help books and written a bi-weekly mental health blog.
See Full Bio
Anger Management Domestic Abuse/Violence Relationships Stress and Anxiety Communication Resilience
social network icon social network icon social network icon
Share
0

You also might be interested in

What are the Differences Between Anger Management Treatment and a Batterers’ Intervention Program?

Oct 20, 2020

Welcome to my third and final blog post (What are[...]

Vaccine Status - You are not alone
You are not alone!

8 Responses to People Who Criticize Your Vaccine Status

Jan 4, 2022

Our Vaccine Status, Really! Okay, enough already. In this country[...]

The image demonstrates the difference between Process Oriented and Product Oriented thinking.

Is A Process Or Product Oriented Person Best?

Mar 28, 2023

Process vs. Product Oriented Some people are “product oriented” and[...]

How To Tame Your Inner Squirrel: 8 Strategies for Managing Your Distractions

Front book cover of How To Tame Your Inner Squirrel: 8 Strategies for Managing Your Distractions

The Win-Lose Book: 20 Tips For Winning And Losing Gracefully In Sports Politics and Life

The Win-Lose Book: 20 Tips for Winning and Losing Gracefully in Sports, Politics and Life.

Stop Being Your Own Worst Critic – Using Affirmations and Journaling to Improve Your Self-Esteem

Front cover of the book - Stop Being Your Own Worst Critic: How to Use Affirmations and Journaling to Improve Your Self-Esteem.

Be Angry, But Not Aggressive – 7 Proven Skills For Managing Your Anger

Be Angry, But Not Aggressive book cover. The book introduces 7 proven skills for managing your anger.

Relationships Relearned – A Guide to Achieving Healthy and Successful Relationships

Relationships Relearned Book Cover. Relationships Relearned book is a guide to achieving healthy and successful relationships.

Crush Your Stress – 302 Coping skills for Managing Your Stress

Crush Your Stress - 302 Coping Skills for Managing Your Stress book cover

My Most Recent Blog Posts

  • Strengthening & Enforcing Boundaries: Your How to Guide October 7, 2025
  • Red Flags: An Excerpt From My Relationships Relearned Book September 23, 2025
  • Real Information, Disinformation, Misinformation and Malinformation September 9, 2025
  • How is Your Self-Esteem and Confidence? August 26, 2025
  • Finding Levi, the 1st Story in The Charlotte Novella Series August 21, 2025
  • Loss Aversion – Do You Focus More on Losses Than Wins? August 12, 2025
  • Five Important Coping Skills for a Restful Sleep July 29, 2025
  • Why Are Setting Goals Powerful? July 15, 2025
  • Aggression – The 10 Types From My Anger Management Book July 1, 2025
  • Affects of “The Shoulds,” “FOND,” and “Productivity Anxiety June 17, 2025

Have questions, contact me.

Send me an email and I'll get back to you, as soon as possible.

Send Message

About me

Kathryn Maietta, MSW is a licensed clinical social worker (LCSW) in Maine and Texas and the author of six self-help books. As an RVing Nomad, she has explored all 48 contiguous states.

Find me here

  • Kathryn Maietta, MSW, LCSW
  • Licensed Clinical Social Worker, Author, Explorer
  • kathryn@relationshipsrelearned.com
  • relationshipsrelearned.com

Fresh from my blog

  • Strengthening & Enforcing Boundaries: Your How to Guide
  • Red Flags: An Excerpt From My Relationships Relearned Book
  • Real Information, Disinformation, Misinformation and Malinformation
  • How is Your Self-Esteem and Confidence?

© [2024] · Relationships Relearned. Website Developed and Managed by David Harrington