This blog is about verbal abuse, but first it is important to start with definitions of domestic abuse/violence.

Definition of domestic abuse/violence: Domestic abuse is not about losing control, but a systematic method of asserting and maintaining power and control over a current or former intimate partner or a situation involving a current or former intimate partner.

For 40+ years I have worked with both victims and perpetrators of domestic abuse/violence in which the perpetrator was male and the victim was female. This checklist has been developed exclusively for male to female domestic abuse/violence. While I acknowledge there are other forms of interpersonal abuse, for example, female to male abuse, or same sex abuse, these are not my areas of expertise. For this reason, any reference to “perpetrators” or “batterers” will be in reference to males. Any reference to “victim” or “survivor” will be in reference to females.

If my four decades of experience have taught me anything about abusive relationships, it is that men are abusive because they physically can, and because it gets them what they want in the shortest amount of time with the least amount of effort.

I am also a firm believer that just as men learned how to be abusive, they can unlearn that behavior, and relearn how to be non-abusive. I have seen it happen. However, the abusive behavior must be recognized as being abusive and/or violent.

Trigger Warning: If you are the victim of domestic abuse/violence and have found something in this blog to be triggering, someone is available 24/7 to speak with you. You are not alone. If it is safe to do so, please contact:

• Domestic abuse/violence: National Domestic Violence Hotline at 800-799-7233
• Sexual abuse/assault: National Sexual Assault Hotline at 800-656-4673
• Human trafficking: National Human Trafficking Hotline at 888-373-7888

VERBAL ABUSE

Verbal abuse is the vehicle, or the method of delivery, of some forms of physical, sexual, or emotional abuse. Verbal threats of harm are likely to result in the batterer being involved with the criminal justice system. Examples of verbal abuse include calling her sexually derogatory names, threatening to kill her or calling her “stupid, fat and ugly”.

The following checklist has been developed over the course of 45 years. While the check list is extensive, it is not exhaustive. Batterers continue to be creative in ways in which they can be abusive/violent to their intimate partners. All of the statements on this checklist are real examples of abuse/violence taken from actual police reports, child protective service reports and/or the mouths of batterers and/or their victims.

• “You brought this on yourself.”
• “This is your fault.”
• “I saw you looking at him.”
• “I know you are sleeping around.”
• “You make me drink or use drugs.”
• “You are worthless.”
• “You drive me crazy.”
• “If you would just lose weight.”
• “It is my way or the highway.”
• “Why did you have to get pregnant?”
• “You deserve this.”
• “You deserve whatever happens to you.”
• “You can’t do anything right.”
• “You to do whatever you want to do.”
• “You are too stupid to hold a job.”
• “You are too stupid to go back to school.”
• “No one will ever want you but me.”
• “You are a nag, just like your mother.”
• “You can’t do anything right.”
• “You have to ask for my permission.”
• “I want my meals on time.”
• “You are a rotten housekeeper.”
• “What do you do all day, nothing?”
• “Can’t you take a joke?”
• “You are a rotten mother.”
• “You are a rotten wife / girlfriend.”
• “You are a rotten daughter.”
• “You are stupid, fat and ugly.”
• “You are lucky I keep you around.”
• “If you leave me, I will kill myself.”
• “If you leave me, I will tell everyone you are gay.”
• “If you leave me, you must be gay.”
• “If you leave me, I will show everyone your sexy pictures.”
• “If you leave me, you will never see your children again.”
• “If you leave me, you will never see your pets again.”
• “I am such a nice guy.”
• “No one will ever believe you.”
• “I didn’t mean it.”
• “I will kill you.”
• “If I can’t have you, no one will.”

Summary

Men are abusive because they can, physically and emotionally, and because their abuse gets them what they want in the least amount of time with the least amount of effort.

Verbal abuse is the vehicle or the method of delivery of physical, emotional and sexual abuse. While most of the statements listed above will not rise to the level of criminal justice involvement, all are humiliating and degrading. This is the purpose of the verbal abuse, to be demeaning, to lower a victim’s self-respect, self-esteem and self-worth.

Trigger Warning: Again, if you are the victim of domestic abuse/violence and have found something in this blog to be triggering, someone is available 24/7 to speak with you. You are not alone. If it is safe to do so, please contact:

• Domestic abuse/violence: National Domestic Violence Hotline at 800-799-7233
• Sexual abuse/assault: National Sexual Assault Hotline at 800-656-4673
• Human trafficking: National Human Trafficking Hotline at 888-373-7888

For more information

• Domestic Abuse is an-Important Community Issue
• Sexual Abuse Checklist For Victims Of Domestic Abuse
• What Is The Emotional Abuse Checklist For Domestic Abuse
• Reasons Why Victims Of Domestic Abuse Stay
• What Is The Physical Abuse Checklist For Domestic Abuse
• The Ability of Domestic Abusers (Batterers) To Become Non-Abusive
• Excuses Batterers Will Use For Being Abusive
• (BIP) Batterers Intervention Program And Important Paper Dolls Exercise
• Domestic Violence & Domestic Abuse – How To Define the Difference
• Know why Domestic Abuse is not an Anger Management Problem
• What are the Differences Between Anger Management Treatment and a Batterers’ Intervention Program?

With warmest regards,

Thank you so much for reading this blog. If you enjoyed the content, please check out other blogs at:
https://relationshipsrelearned.com/my-blog/
https://rvingnomads.com/blog/

In addition to blogs and articles, I have written a series of self-help books. To view these books, please go to my Amazon Authors Page or go to the books tab at the top of this page.

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Kathryn Maietta, MSW, LCSW Licensed Clinical Social Worker / Author and Blogger

For more than forty years I have been a licensed clinical social worker in Maine and recently became licensed in Texas. The focus of my practice has been working individually with adult men and women and working with couples. I received my BSW from Baylor University and my MSW from Boston University. Since 2020 I have published four self-help books and written a bi-weekly mental health blog.

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Anger Management Domestic Abuse/Violence Relationships Stress and Anxiety Communication Resilience