Learn How to Establish Personal Boundaries
Welcome! I am glad you are here.
This blog focuses on learning to establish and maintain healthy personal boundaries in relationships. A boundary is the emotional, physical and sexual separation between you and someone else. It is the virtual line where you end and someone else begins. Boundaries exist for your mental health. Once you set your boundaries, and you are consistent with enforcing them, people are more likely to respect those boundaries.
You are the person who will set your boundaries, both:
• the boundaries you will not cross
• the boundaries you will not allow anyone else to cross
Boundaries that “float”
What boundaries do is convey to the people around you that you identify yourself as a priority. Setting boundaries announces you are someone deserving of respect.
It is important to understand that your boundaries are not necessarily rigid. Your boundaries can change; as you mature, as you gain new or more information, with different people or in different situations. It is okay to change your mind about your boundaries!
If you are concerned that setting and enforcing boundaries will harm your relationship with someone else, the relationship is probably not healthy to begin with. People who care about you will be happy you have boundaries, that you care enough about yourself to identify and enforce boundaries.
If you are indecisive and sometimes you enforce your boundaries, and sometimes you don’t, it is very likely you will be continually challenged. For example, think about being in the grocery store check-out line and the young child that badgers a parent for candy. The parent says, “No.” many times, but is finally worn down and agrees to let the child have a candy bar, “Just once. Don’t expect candy every time we go to the grocery store!” That child has learned valuable lesson on pushing the parent’s boundaries.
The effect of criticism on relationships
How do you set a boundary in a relationship? It is about finding a balance so you are not perceived as being too weak or too strong. Setting boundaries is not easy. For healthy relationships, both individuals should know each other’s wants, needs, goals, fears, limits and boundaries.
You will need to feel comfortable communicating your needs to your partner without being afraid of what they might do in response. If someone tells you that your needs are “stupid”, gets angry with you or goes against what you are comfortable with, then that person is really telling you they do not respect you. Read my article on the Five Roadblocks to Effective Communications.
The only people who will get upset when you enforce boundaries are the people who benefit from you not holding firm with your boundaries. When you first start enforcing your boundaries, you will also need to be “okay” with some push back or some discomfort. You will likely receive some negative reactions from others, at least in the beginning.
Five steps to setting your boundaries
Step 1: Identify what triggers you.
Decide what behaviors or situations trigger you. What makes you feel overwhelmed, angry or guilty? Identifying your triggers will guide you in identifying your boundaries.
Step 2: Set your boundaries.
Using the form below and based on the triggers you identified in Step 1, start writing down the boundaries you will not cross. You will also need to identify the boundaries you will not let anyone else cross.
Step 3: Be clear with others about your boundaries.
Once your boundaries are set, be secure and confident in your decisions. Some time when things are calm, have a discussion about your boundaries with those around you.
Step 4: Address it when your boundaries have been crossed.
When someone crosses your boundaries, be assertive. It is important to be firm and clear with the person who has crossed your boundary. Don’t shut down (be passive), but don’t verbally vomit (be aggressive), either!
Step 5: Take care of yourself.
Others may not like that you have boundaries that you are standing up for yourself. This is the time to be true to you! It may not be easy to hold firm to your boundaries, but you can do it!
Types of Boundaries
- Emotional Boundaries
Description: Emotional boundaries include your thoughts and feelings, how you interact with others, the value you place on your hobbies or leisure activities and your interactions with others.
Examples of emotional boundaries I will not cross:
• I will not lie to my partner.
• I will not interfere with my partner’s alone, friend or family time.
Examples of emotional boundaries I will not let someone else cross:
• I will not let anyone smoke cigarettes in my car.
• I will not be mistreated, abused or cursed at. - Physical Boundaries
Description: Your physical boundaries include the physical space you put between yourself and others and the nonverbal communication skills of body language and tone of voice.
Examples of physical boundaries I will not cross:
• I will not ride in a car with someone who has been drinking or is under the effects of illegal drugs.
• I will ask someone if it is okay before giving them a hug.
Examples of physical boundaries I will not let someone else cross:
• I will not allow anyone to yell or use a harsh tone of voice with me.
• I will not let someone rudely cut in front of me at the grocery store. - Sexual Boundaries
Description: Sexual boundaries refer to your tolerance for sexually explicit language, comfort with sexual intimacy, how often intimacy occurs, etc.
Examples of sexual boundaries I will not cross:
• I will not watch pornography.
• I will not cheat on my partner.
Examples of sexual boundaries I will not let someone else cross:
• I will not allow someone to call me sexually derogatory names.
• I will not remain in a relationship with someone who cheats on me. - Relationship Boundaries
Description: Relationship boundaries are all the ways you interact with others, who you spend holidays with, how much time you spend with family and how much you will allow your family of origin to influence your family of creation.
Examples of relationship boundaries I will not cross:
• I will not engage in an argument when I am hungry, angry, lonely or tired.
• I will not play the “helpless victim” or the ”martyr” in my relationships.
Examples of relationship boundaries I will not let someone else cross:
• I will not let my partner’s jealousy restrict behavior.
• I will not allow my partner to put me in the middle of family feuds. - Boundaries Involving Children (and/or pets)
Description: Having children can be both a blessing and a lot of work at the same time. Effective parenting is based on consistency with common beliefs. Those without children may have “fur babies” who need the same consistency!
Examples of children related boundaries I will not cross:
• I will not have children or pets before I am able to afford it.
• I will include the other parent in all decisions about the child or pet.
Examples of children related boundaries I will not let someone else cross:
• I will not allow my partner to disrespect me in front of the children.
• I will not allow my partner to make me the sole disciplinarian. - Digital Boundaries
Description: Digital boundaries include all of the technological ways we interact with others. It includes all manner of computer and cell phone usage and all interactions using all forms of social media.
Examples of digital boundaries I will not cross:
• I will not post pictures online that include my partner without his/her consent.
• I will not have a public online argument with my partner or family members.
Examples of digital boundaries I will not let someone else cross:
• I will not allow my partner to scroll, at will, through my cell phone or computer.
• I will not give out my social media passwords (or access) to anyone. - Financial Boundaries
Description: Money, wealth and income can be very personal matters. Relationships may come and go, but maintaining a good credit score and financial stability can affect you for a lifetime.
Examples of financial boundaries I will not cross:
• I will not rent a car or take out a loan for someone else, nor will I co-sign on a loan with anyone else.
• I will not borrow money from my family and/or friends.
Examples of financial boundaries I will not let someone else cross:
• I will not let anyone talk me into loaning them money.
• I will not share my banking (credit cards, checking account) passwords with anyone.
Setting or clarifying your boundaries can make your life less stressful. It will help you have a plan for when Cousin Joe wants to smoke cigarettes in your car, or when he wants you to co-sign on a loan for that brand new Mustang convertible. Start thinking!
I hope this blog has provided you with new information that will be helpful to you in all your relationships. If you have any comments or questions about the content of this blog, please contact me: Kathryn@relationshipsrelearned.com
Are current life situations causing you stress? Do you need a plan or new ideas on how to decrease your stress and anxiety? My book may help: Crush Your Stress: 302 Coping Skills for Managing Your Stress.
