Stressful Cycles in Marriage –
If you have been reading my blogs, you probably realize I talk a lot about relationships and stress. Relationships relearned! This blog discusses the four extremely stressful cycles in a marriage, the four critical times that may result in separation and/or divorce. Being aware of these four critical times may help in reducing stress and may save your marriage!
The focus of this blog is on married couples, although cohabitating couples may go through some of the same issues.
The four critical cycles in relationships occur:
• During the 1st year
• Sometime during year 7
• Whenever the last child leaves home, or “empty nest”
• Retirement
Many couples seem to be resilient and weather the storms that come with marriage. Perhaps the following information will help! What is a Healthy Relationship?
The Critical 1st Year of a Marriage
The first year of a relationship is the hardest for many reasons. Even if you have been cohabitating, can marriage adds a new dynamic. For many couples, they are “coming down from” planning and executing a wedding. After the wedding can feel rather anti-climatic, a let-down if you will. There is no more flurry of excitement. It is similar to the let-down after a major holiday like Christmas. There was all that anticipation and excitement in the planning and the event. And then winter sets in.
You now have to worry not only about yourself, but also about your spouse. Everything is doubled, including the space two people need to live as opposed to space for one. You are combining finances, coordinating two careers, and integrating two families. And not only are you combining finances, but what happens if your spouse gets into financial trouble? That means you are, too!
Another issue during the first year of marriage is that you understand you have signed a legally binding contract with someone. Dissolving a marriage is not as easy as walking out the door if something goes wrong. This contract lasts a lifetime, unless you get divorced. The concept of a marriage lasting a lifetime can be very daunting to some people. Brides: The First Year of Marriage Is Tough, No Matter How You Spin It
Suggestions for Managing the Critical 1st Year:
• Communicate – Please see my article: Five Roadblocks to Effective Communications
• Learn how to “fight fair”- Please see my blog: Guidelines to Fighting Fair in Relationships
• Practice resilience – Please see my article: 30 Ways to Boost Resilience Throughout the Life Cycle
• Ask yourself “How can I think about this situation / event differently?”- Please see my article: The Paradigm Shift
The Critical Year 7
There is something about hitting that seven year anniversary that puts a damper on many marriages. This is so familiar that it is popularly referred to as “The seven year itch.” Of course, this can happen before seven years or many years afterwards as well.
After a certain amount of time, including the initial excitement that accompanies the wedding and first year of marriage, things settle down into a routine. After 5 to 7 years of marriage, people become so accustomed to one another that it can feel like marriage is boring. Often, this is expressed through a lack of interest in sex, a sense of no longer being in love with this person and/or in wanting to have an affair and a divorce.
Even famous couples, for example, Kim Kardashian and Kayne West can hit this ”7 year itch” mark and start the divorce process!
The myth that accompanies the crisis at this stage of a relationship is that happiness is to be found elsewhere. In point of fact, a second marriage also becomes routine after some time. The cycle then repeats itself.
Keep in mind that marriage is a cooperative venture. It is equally important for couples to help one another cope with stressful and traumatic events. Who better to turn to than your spouse when facing difficult times?
Mentalhelp.net: Marriage and “That Seven Year Itch”
Suggestions for Managing the Critical Year 7:
• Discuss the mundane events of an average day
• Listen carefully to what your partner is saying
• Talk each day
• Help your partner achieve the goals they have set
Empty Nest Syndrome
If you have children, then your life is probably busy, stressful and hectic. Between work, housework, homework and all the other activities everyone in the family is involved with, it’s a wonder we make it through the week. And this can go on for years.
But one day it will all stop.
The children will be gone, the house will be quiet and you’ll find yourself not knowing what to do. And though some of you may welcome the opportunity to do absolutely nothing for a change, it’s not all greener grass on that side of the pasture. For one thing, doing nothing can get boring very quickly. But it goes far beyond that. Many couples find they quickly start to experience Empty Nest Syndrome – feelings of depression and emptiness once the responsibilities of raising kids dissipate. Empty Nest Syndrome is a real thing and it can have quite negative effects on one’s marriage. It is characterized by feelings of sadness and loss. Parents become vulnerable to depression, identity crisis, and marital dissatisfaction. Best Marriages: How Empty Nest Syndrome Can Affect Your Marriage
Even Rich and famous couples can be affected by this stage of a marriage resulting in divorce. Two examples are Bill and Melinda Gates, married 27 years and MacKenzie and Jeff Bezos who were married 25 years.
Suggestions for Managing the Empty Nest Syndrome:
• Revive your dreams of what your marriage was supposed to be like
• Stay busy with existing or new hobbies
• Identify new roles, for example, coach, mentor, volunteer, councilperson, etc.
• Schedule time to interact with your adult children
Retirement
How does retirement affect marriage? After worrying about money, the single most common worry in retirement is, how will retirement affect my marriage? If one or both of you have had full-time careers, suddenly having so much time on your hands can be an adjustment. You may have heard of Retired Husband Syndrome, but chances are this new phase of life will be difficult for both of you. Perhaps you miss a job you loved. Or you have to get used to having someone else around the house all day.
Also, retirement may not live up to your expectations. It may be that you need to restructure your retirement. It is difficult when two people want different things in retirement. It sometimes happens that a couple retires together and suddenly finds themselves with a partner they hardly know. So much time is taken up with work that when you retire, you really get to see all sides of your spouse! Wanting different things is fine as long as you still want each other and are willing to compromise. Whatever it is you disagree on, give as much as you take of your partner’s goodwill and encourage them to do the same.
Suddenly feeling that your compatibility or lack thereof is magnified after retirement is, sadly, normal. It is also normal to find that you have almost nothing in common apart from each other. But, unlike compatibility, that is not necessarily a problem. Now that you and your partner are retired, you have time to explore your own hobbies and interests separately – and then meet up afterwards to enjoy each other’s company.
The most important aim in retirement is to be content. Just be what you want to be and don’t be too disappointed if your other half has other ideas. It’s your spouse’s retirement, too. Gransnet: How does retirement affect marriage? So, how do you address these issues and what are the solutions?
Suggestions for Managing Retirement:
• Keep up with your individual activities and add some shared ones
• Maintain a sense of usefulness and achievement outside of paid work
• Start planning your retirement before retirement
• Consider volunteering as a transition
Marriages can be difficult, especially at critical points in the relationship. Being able to identify these critical cycles and working toward continued improvement of the relationship are vital to maintaining strong, successful relationships.
Quotes about healthy relationships
“The best sign of a healthy relationship is no sign of it on Facebook.”
J. Bertrand
“When you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible.”
Harry, from the movie When Harry Met Sally
“Love is a two-way street constantly under construction.”
Carroll Bryant
“Maybe you don’t need the whole world to love you. Maybe you just need one person.”
Kermit the Frog
With warmest regards,
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