Relationship Green Flags –
This is the fourth part of a five-part series on relationships. The series follows a fictional couple, Megan and Justin, as they assess their relationship. Will they continue to “exist” by living in day-to-day survival mode? Or will they put effort into rejuvenating their relationship? Or will they just decide to walk away?
Just as there are red flags to let you know your relationship is in trouble, there are green flags that let you know your relationship is strong.
If you have been following this series, you will probably be thinking that the relationship of Megan and Justin is in serious trouble. Then as you read down through this blog, you will see examples of how their relationship also has some protective characteristics of healthy, strong relationships as well.
This is all so confusing! How can this be?
The answer is that no relationship is ALL bad or ALL good. “Bad relationships” frequently have some protective features, and “good relationships” have some destructive aspects.
Example: Megan and Justin have been married for about 7 years and are starting to experience some difficulties in their relationship. (Marriage: The Truth About Stressful Critical Cycles) They have started to emotionally withdraw from each other, talking more to friends and family than to each other. In addition, they have both started to tune out the other person, not listening to the other person’s words nor the meaning behind the words. Their relationship is in trouble.
The following are five characteristics of healthy relationships:
- Time
Giving attention to each other’s daily life is important. Knowing what is going on in each other’s life is a green flag. It is a sign that a relationship is involved, committed, and full of respect. Whether it’s your significant other’s moods, their projects at work, or what they are dreaming about for their future, it is important to be on top of what’s going on. Ask, talk about it, and show up for the things that are important to them.
Bustle.com – If Your Relationship Has These 9 Characteristics, Experts Say You’ll Last The Test Of Time
Time is also about putting in the effort to demonstrate affection. Demonstrating affection includes physical activity, for example, sexual activity, holding hands, and snuggling. But demonstrating affection also includes saying, “I love you”, taking out the trash, preparing a favorite meal, writing love notes, having a sense of humor, and letting go of frustration.
Justin and Megan
Justin is not a “morning person”. As a sign of affection Megan lets the dog out for the first time of the day and makes the coffee for them.
Megan is not a “night owl”. As a sign of affection, Justin lets the dog out for the last time of the day and wears headphones to watch the late night pay-for-view boxing match on TV, so he doesn’t disturb her sleep.
- Communication
Judge Judy is famous for saying, “You have two ears and one mouth for a reason!” This is actually a “green flag” in relationships, too! Communication is about having:
• a sender, the person speaking or sending a message and
• a receiver, the person listening or receiving the message
Communication is about really hearing what the other person is saying, not just the words, but the meaning behind the words. So there isn’t any miscommunication, people who have healthy communication make sure their words, body language and tone of voice all match. See my article – Five Roadblocks to Effective Communication
Probably you have heard the old adage, “If you are not part of the solution, you are part of the problem.” ALL healthy relationships include conflict. Conflict, or having a difference of opinion, is NEVER the problem. The problem is how conflict is addressed. Always working toward a win-win solution is vital. Dave add internal link to 4 resolutions blog And using time outs when appropriate. Check my blog out – 7 Healthy Time Out Steps and How to Use Them
Justin and Megan
Like most couples there are times Justin and Megan will have brief conversations about, “Who is picking up the kids?” and “What do you want for supper?”
But unlike many couples, Justin and Megan sit down together each week and pay bills together. They are prioritizing their financial future. They talk and listen to each other’s ideas about financial planning.
- Shared Experiences
Shared life experiences bring relationships together and are green flags in relationship. Being able to talk about, “Remember when…” brings about a bond for a couple. Some of these experiences around your wedding, buying your first home together, the birth of children. No one else participates in those activities the same way as the couple. It becomes the couple vs. the world.
Shared experiences are almost like an exclusive secret club that only the two of you belong. When one person says “sea otter”, the other automatically thinks about their trip to Maine when they saw their first sea otter frolicking in the water in Holbrook Harbor. This is how couples bond. All strong couples have this green flag.
Justin and Megan
During the first year of their marriage, Justin and Megan took a road trip, traveling around the country in a converted van. They visited big cities and small towns. They frequently reminisce about their experiences, the places they went, and the people they met along the way.
- Kindness
Another green flag in thriving relationships is prioritizing kindness. Do all the things for your significant other that you would do for your best friend. Anticipate their needs, think about what they need help with, and be there for them when they want or need a friend.
Kindness is also about stopping the behavior that gets on their nerves. Finding ways to uplift your significant other, include: thoughtfulness, consideration, and kindness. Mindbodygreen.com – The 15 Most Important Characteristics Of Healthy Relationships
Justin and Megan
Megan and Justin put effort into treating the other like they would like to be treated. They do not call each other names, or criticize how they do things. See my blog – Guidelines to Fighting Fair in Relationships
- Respect
Respect is a green flag in thriving relationships. Respect = trust + dependability + reliability. People in relationships want to feel they can rely upon each other. If couples do what they say and say what they do, they create an atmosphere of respect in knowing their words and actions mean something. Both can breathe a sigh of relief to know the other “has their back”. Loveandlifetoolbox.com – 10 Characteristics of Successful Relationships
You acknowledge and respect each other, even if your views differ. Whether it is different religions, political leanings, or types of movies or hobbies, you support and respect each other’s opinions instead of trying to change them to fit yours.
Justin and Megan
When there was a family disagreement and someone criticized Megan’s parenting, Justin was, and is, the first person to support her, defend her and be her champion.
When Justin fell skiing and broke his leg, it was Megan who physically and emotionally supported Justin, making sure he had adequate rest and healthy food to help him mend.
Summary
Clearly there are aspects of Justin and Megan’s relationship that are going very well. These are called protective factors, for example, they demonstrate respect and kindness towards each other. These are the foundations for healthy, successful and thriving relationships.
The fifth blog on this five part relationship series is titled Relationship Or Not? Bottom Line, Relationships Are Optional
Quotes on Green Flags in Relationships
“A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person.”
Mignon McLaughlin (1913-1983)
“Marriage is a mosaic you build with your spouse. Millions of tiny moments that create your love story.”
Jennifer Smith (1987- )
“To keep your marriage brimming with love in the wedding cup, whenever you’re wrong, admit it; whenever you’re right, shut up.”
Ogden Nash (1902-1971)
All of the quotes above are from Happywivesclub.com – Quotes
With warmest regards,
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