Every relationship lives in stages. Some relationships remain in Stage One for the duration of the participants’ lives, “Till death do us part”. These are the people who are happy and content in their relationship. They have no interest in exploring other relationships.
Sadly, other people may have relationships that go through additional stages. Some may choose to stay together, “for the sake of the children”. Some may choose to end their relationship altogether.
During Relationship Stages Two, Three and Four, there is still the opportunity of “working things out” and returning to Stage One, contentment. The effort and energy it will take to return to Stage One will increase with each stage. For example, if you are in Stage Two, with some effort, energy and commitment, you can turn around a declining relationship and return to Stage One, contentment.
If you wait until Stage Four to put energy, effort and commitment into the relationship it will feel like a Herculean task to return to Stage One. It can be done. But it will be that much harder. Why wait so long?
Relationship Stages
The following are the five relationship stages. What stage is your relationship in?
Stage One: Contentment
There is a period in every relationship when things are going well. You are happy in your relationship and you are not romantically interested in anyone else. You are in a healthy relationship.
There are couples who never leave this stage. They are content in their relationship. They realize there are ups and downs. But they are ready, willing and able to put effort, energy and commitment into their relationship.
You may hear the following from couples who are in Stage One:
- “My relationship makes me happy.”
- “There is not much wrong with my relationship.”
- “All relationships have their ups and downs.”
- “I have no interest in getting my needs met with anyone else.”
Stage Two: Doubts
If you are in Stage Two, you are starting to have some doubts about the relationship. Perhaps the relationship isn’t exactly what you thought it would be. You may feel “the thrill is gone.” The routine of being in a relationship has replaced the lust and excitement of a new relationship.
If you are at this stage, with some effort, energy, commitment and dedication there is still time to salvage the relationship. Boredom is not necessarily a reason to end the relationship!
You may hear the following from couples who are in Stage Two:
- “This relationship isn’t really working out.”
- “Sometimes this relationship just doesn’t do it for me.”
- “I wonder if this relationship is still worth it.”
- “I am bored. There is no excitement in this relationship.”
Stage Three: Withdrawal
At Stage Three if there hasn’t been any kind of intervention at Stage Two, you may start to emotionally withdraw from the relationship. You may even have started developing an escape plan! You may be looking for companionship elsewhere.
It is possible to salvage a relationship at this stage and return to Stage One. However, it will require significant motivation and an attitude adjustment. It will require a great deal of effort and a significant change in behavior. To turn the course of the relationship, counseling may be involved.
This is an especially problematic stage because frequently it is “the other person” identified as “the problem”. In many instances a relationship will be at this stage due to infidelity, substance or alcohol abuse or some form of addiction (gambling, porn, etc.).
You may hear the following from couples who are in Stage Three:
- “I need to figure out the best way to end this relationship.”
- “I have tried to work things out, but my partner hasn’t.”
- “I don’t want to do this anymore.”
- “We don’t have anything in common.”
Stage Four: Detangling
There is virtually no recovery for a relationship when your relationship has made it to Stage Four. Usually one or both people have emotionally checked out of the relationship. The rest of the relationship is figuring out how to keep as much distance from the other person as possible and ironing our details of the relationship.
It is very difficult to regain trust, respect and commitment in a relationship when one or both of you have already said the words, “I want out.” It is never “too late” to improve a relationship. However, it won’t be easy.
You may hear the following from couples who are in Stage Four:
• “I need a break.”
• “I can see myself with someone else.”
• “I can’t trust my significant other.”
• “Being alone is better than being in this relationship.”
Stage Five: The End
The relationship is over. One or both people have “thrown in the towel”, one or both have said there is nothing the other person can do to change their mind. It is over. You may share children and there may be remnants of the relationship (selling the house, finalizing the divorce, etc.) but all emotional ties have been severed.
Rarely do relationships recover from this stage. Sadly, being in Stage Five doesn’t necessarily mean the two people in the relationship physically separate and start different relationships. Some couples remain in this very unhealthy relationship “for the sake of the children” or because financially they would “loose too much” if they went their separate ways.
You may hear the following from couples who are in Stage Five:
- “I can’t stand the person I live with.”
- “I can’t stand the person I am when I am with the person I live with.”
- “I enjoy the company of others more than the person I live with.”
- “I would rather be anywhere, with anyone else, than the person I live with.”
Take Away Point
There are people who will be in a Stage One relationship all of their adult life. The relationship is satisfying to them, and they remain emotionally committed. For those who find themselves in Relationship Stage Two or beyond, it may be helpful to understand the dynamics involved with each stage. There are ways to salvage even the most difficult and painful relationship. However, the further along you are in the stages, the more difficult or impossible recovery will be.
What stage is your relationship in?
With warmest regards,
Thank you so much for reading this blog. If you enjoyed the content, please check out other blogs at:
https://relationshipsrelearned.com/staging/9213/1/my-blog/
https://rvingnomads.com/blog/
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