The Ability of Domestic Abusers (Batterers) To Become Non-Abusive

Domestic Abuse

Domestic abuse is not about losing control, but a systematic method of asserting and maintaining power and control over a current or former intimate partner or a situation involving a current or former intimate partner. This is the definition of domestic abuse I used for 23 years when I was the director and a co-facilitator of a batterers’ intervention program. A Batterers’ Intervention Program is for men who were/are abusive to their female intimate partners.

While I clearly understand women can be physically and emotionally violent, the scope of my practice and knowledge is working with men who are abusive to their female intimate partners.

Over the course of my clinical social work practice and as Director of a batterers’ intervention program, I have presented about batterers to over a thousand people at conferences and community forums. At every presentation I am asked:

Why does she stay?

I have addressed that in another blog called Reasons Why Victims Of Domestic Abuse Stay. A second question I am usually asked is:

Can the abuser change?

The second question will be answered in this blog. But first it is important to understand why men are abusive at all!

Excuses Men Use to be Abusive

Men are abusive because they can – physically and emotionally – and because their behavior gets them what they want. Period.

There are no legitimate excuses for this behavior. Period.

To be clear, domestic abuse is not an anger management problem. If it was, men would be angry and aggressive to everyone in their life, their significant other, their neighbors, their co-workers, their boss, etc. Many victims report that the batterer has a community reputation of being a “nice guy”. In most cases the batterer is one of the last people anyone would ever expect to be abusive. To understand more about anger and aggression, please read my book Be Angry, But Not Aggressive.

Alcohol use does not cause a man to be abusive. Being under the influence of alcohol and/or drugs gives a man what he believes to be a convenient excuse for his bad behavior. Please understand that if a man is physically and/or emotionally abusive and he abuses alcohol, he has two problems to address. One is not an excuse for the other.

Childhood trauma and/or being raised in a home in which there was domestic abuse is also not a reason for being abusive. He may have learned the abusive behavior, but he could also have learned to never be the way he was raised.

The Rule of Thirds

Of the men who grew up in an abusive home:

1/3rd of them will grow up to be abusive to their intimate partners
1/3rd of them will become victims in their intimate relationships
1/3rd of them will go on to have “normal” healthy relationships

The men who will go on to have “normal” healthy relationships in adulthood are men who had a mentor to teach them how to treat an intimate partner. That mentor could have been a grandparent, aunt/uncle, coach, teacher, clergy member, parents of a best friend, etc.

Can An Abuser Become Non-abusive?

The short, quick answer is yes. He can become non-abusive. But only if he:

acknowledges he is an abuser
is willing to put in the work to make changes
understands his learning will be a life-long process

In making changes people typically choose either a quick fix or a long-term solution.
Many people do not understand the difference between the two. This is especially important when talking about domestic abuse.

Quick fix: “I am sorry.” “I will go to counseling.”

Long-term solution: “I was wrong.” Demonstrating daily a change in behavior.

Never should a man expect or demand rewards or support from his partner for his efforts. He was the abuser. It is his work to do.

An abuser may even put pressure on his partner to give up certain things that are important in return for his giving up his violence. For example, “If you stop drinking alcohol, I will, too.” This is just the abuser continuing to control her behavior.

Absolutely, without question or exception, there should NEVER be couples counseling until he has been in individual counseling or a batterers’ intervention program and demonstrated being non-abusive for at least 6 months. Abuse is a problem in the abuser, not a problem in the relationship. Couples counseling allows the abuser to focus on criticism of his partner instead of dealing with his own behavior.

In fact, couples counseling can be dangerous for the victim. If he has not started his work first, for at least 6 months, he may retaliate against her physically or verbally for what she says to the counselor.

Change does not occur overnight, but it can occur.

How Can He Demonstrate He is Changing?

It is not as easy as saying one day he is abusive and then the next he is not. This will be a life-long process. But there are ways he can demonstrate growth and movement towards being non-abusive.

The following are by no means the extent of what proves he is or is not making changes. These are just examples of each.

Signs he is changing:

He is consistent with attending a batterers’ intervention program and/or individual therapy.
He has stopped doing and saying things which frighten his victim.
His victim feels safe to bring up topics that in the past have upset him.
He listens to what his victim has to say (without interrupting or getting in the last word). See my blog on Getting In The Last Word.
He volunteers to do his share of housework and childcare.
He does not say, “What do you want me to do?”

Signs he is not changing:

He requires his victim to pay for his batterers’ intervention program or counseling.
His victim has to remind him to attend his AA meetings, batterers’ intervention program and/or individual therapy.
He insists on couples counseling.
He accuses his victim of being abusive.
He calls her “crazy” or focuses on her mental health.
He continues to minimize his abuse saying, “If I really wanted to hurt you, I would have.”
He continues to minimize his abuse by saying, “That didn’t hurt.”
He continues to deny his behavior by saying, “What’s the matter, can’t you take a joke?”

Take Away Point

Men who are abusive have the capacity to change: to become non-abusive. It is his choice to be abusive, so it is his choice to be non-abusive. The legal system cannot make him change his behavior. He can only change when he accepts his behavior is wrong and he puts effort into making changes.

No content in this blog was created by AI (artificial intelligence). The information presented is the perspective of the author and material amassed from 40+ years as a clinical social worker.

With warmest regards,