Anger and Being Self Aware –
“Anybody can become angry – that is easy, but to be angry with the right person and to the right degree and at the right time and for the right purpose, and in the right way – that is not within everybody’s power and is not easy.” This is a quote from Aristotle in the B.C. era! Isn’t it just as true today?
Logically thinking, it would seem reasonable that in the last 2,000 years society would have evolved sufficiently to have learned how to understand and assertively express the feeling of anger. Unfortunately this evolution has not occurred. Misunderstandings about anger continue.
Basic Facts about Anger
- Anger is a feeling, not a behavior.
Many people associate the feeling of anger with the behavior of anger. Feeling angry is normal, natural, healthy, and human. Just because you feel angry, it doesn’t mean you have to do anything with that feeling.
Example: “Every time I express my anger, something bad happens.”
Effect on Relationships: When you use the word behavior interchangeably with emotion you are giving mixed messages that will be confusing to others.
- No one “makes” you angry.
Your anger is your own. If you are angry, it is because you have CHOSEN that response. No one can MAKE you angry unless you choose to be angry. This is a technique people use when they want to blame others.
Example: “You make me so angry!”
Effect on Relationships: Blaming someone else for making you angry is a great excuse for not taking responsibility for your feelings and the behavior associated with your feelings. To understand more about the paradigm shift and how to have control of your feelings, please read my article on The Paradigm Shift
- Depression can be anger turned inward.
Individuals who are depressed may actually be holding in their anger or turning their depression inward. Many people with depression engage in self-blame, self-criticism, and self-dislike to the point of self-disgust and self-hatred. Psychology Today – The Perplexing Notion of Depression as “Anger Turned Inward
Example: “I am worthless.”
Effect on Relationships: When you are unable to express how you feel, it is likely unpleasant feelings like betrayal, disappointment and anger will turn into depression while communication will diminish.
- No one “explodes” when they express anger.
Saying someone “blew up” when they were angry implies the person did not have control over their anger. This simply is not true. People use “explosion” as a rationalization (excuse) for their behavior.
Example: “It isn’t my fault; I just lost it.”
Effect on Relationships: When people are “explosive” in their anger, it is usually a tactic of power and control. It is a way to avoid responsibility for the destructive expression of their anger.
Tips for Understanding Your Anger
- Get to know your anger triggers.
Being able to identify behaviors or words that result in feelings of anger is important. Knowing how to respond in a healthy manner, or how to ignore such behavior, will help keep tempers in check. Please read my blog – Surprising Influence That People Have on You
Example: “Why do you have to be so sensitive?”
Effect on Relationships: There are people who will “innocently” say something to trigger you, and there are people who will deliberately try to trigger a response.
- Avoid excuses for your destructive expression of anger.
Many times people will make excuses for the destructive expression of their anger by rationalizing their behavior.
Example: “I yelled at my child / partner / co-worker because s/he wasn’t listening”.
Effect on Relationships: This self-righteous expression of anger is a form of emotional abuse that can destroy a relationship.
- Don’t set yourself up for the destructive expression of anger.
Most people understand have people and/or situations that they struggle with managing. If this is the case, keeping HALT in mind could be very helpful. To better understand the meaning of HALT, please read my article – 5 Roadblocks to Effective Communications. Don’t set yourself up!
Example: If shopping crowds bring out the “beast” in you, don’t go shopping on Black Friday!
Effect on Relationships: Knowing particular topics and/or situations that bother you, and proceeding to discuss that stressful situation when you are hungry or tired sets you and your significant other up for an argument.
- State your feelings directly.
You can be direct, but respectful, in expressing your feelings (assertive). Or you can hold your feelings to yourself (passive). Or you can express your feelings without regard to what someone else is feeling (aggressive).
Example: “You know how I feel!”
Effect on Relationships: “Dancing around” with expressing how you are feeling leads to frustration and confusion.
- Deal with issues as they arise.
Sometimes anger is expressed as it is occurring (sometimes known as a “short fuse”), and sometimes anger is expressed hours, days, weeks, months, years or even decades after an event has occurred (sometimes known as a “long fuse”).
Example: “Where did THAT come from? I thought we resolved that weeks ago!”
Effect on Relationships: People who feel blind-sided by the anger of their significant other are less likely to work toward an agreeable resolution.
- If you are not part of the solution, you are part of the problem.
You have probably heard this phrase before. This is especially true when it comes to anger. If you are not working toward finding a way to communicate your anger in a healthy manner, your relationships will suffer.
Example: “It is your fault we are fighting!”
Effect on Relationships: In relationships, people need to be able to communicate in a healthy manner. If one person uses their “explosive anger” to control the other person, the relationship cannot flourish.
Conclusion
Anger is a normal, healthy feeling. The behavior may be destructive, but the feeling is just what it is. A feeling. Nothing more. Nothing less.
Quotes about Anger:
For every minute you remain angry, you give up sixty seconds of peace of mind.
Ralph Waldo Emerson (1803-1882)
When angry, count to ten before you speak. If very angry, count to one hundred.
Thomas Jefferson (1743-1826)
The above anger quotes are from BrainyQuote.com
With warmest regards,
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