In the 1960s and 1970s paper dolls were popular. They consisted of a paper image of a man or a woman and there would be different sets of clothing you could attach to the figures. It was a pretty simple activity. It was similar to dress up Barbie dolls. Except paper dolls were flat, one-dimensional figures! Today there has been a resurgence in the very inexpensive printable paper dolls. Dressing up the figures is now called “paper crafts”.
BIP
For 23 years I was the director of a batterers’ intervention program (AKA “BIP”). The Batterers’ Intervention Program was designed for men to understand the impact on their victims of their verbal, emotional and physical abuse. About Kathryn Maietta MSW, LCSW
Excuses
Men who are abusive to their intimate partners frequently want to focus on the behavior of their victim. They want to blame victims for the behavior of the men. Abusers will say, “She started it” or “She was just as bad to me” or “She called me names, too”. All of these statements may be true or have some components of the truth.
However, the behavior of someone else never gives the abuser the right to be abusive.
The Activity
For many men who abusive to their intimate partner they are seemingly oblivious to the effect of their physical, emotional, sexual and/or verbal abuse. This activity was designed to graphically demonstrate the effect of his emotional and verbal abuse.
Before the BIP class on paper dolls, I would take an 8 1/2” by 11” piece of paper and cut out a very simple shape of a person. Because I am not an artist at all, my paper dolls looked very similar to a gingerbread cookie!
Instructions:
- I would ask the men in BIP to write in large letters the name of their victim across the front of their paper doll.
- Then I would read each of the following 20 statements out loud.
- “You brought this on yourself”
- “It’s all your fault”
- “I saw you looking at him”
- “I know you’re sleeping around”
- “You’re making me drink”
- “You’re worthless”
- “You are stupid, fat and ugly”
- “You drive me crazy”
- “You can’t do anything right”
- “That didn’t hurt”
- “I will give you something to cry about”
- “No one would ever want you but me”
- “You’re too stupid to go to school”
- “I didn’t mean it”
- “It’ll never happen again”
- “If you leave me, I will tell everyone you are a lesbian”
- “If you leave me, I will make sure you never see the kids again”
- “You are a nag just like your mother”
- “Can’t you take a joke?”
- “If I can’t have you, then no one will”
- After I read each statement, I would pause and ask the men to fold their paper doll once. It didn’t matter how they folded the paper doll as long as it was folded.
- After reading all 20 statements, the paper dolls were generally folded into small “paper balls”.
- Then I would ask the men to flatten or smooth out their paper dolls.
The Lesson
After twenty folds of course, it was always impossible for the men in BIP to completely flatten the paper doll to what it looked like before the first statement was read. It didn’t matter what the men did to smooth out their paper doll, the creases remained.
The creased paper doll represents victims of domestic abuse. Once the abusive words have been said, they can never be retracted. And nothing the abusive men can say will change that the abusive statements were ever made.
Victims of domestic abuse are frequently resilient women. They may forgive the words that are said to them, but are unlikely to forget. The memory (creases of the paper doll) can exist into eternity.
Abstract vs. Reality
In 23 years, rarely have I had a man in BIP not be affected by this activity. When men are faced with something they can see, feel and touch, for the example, the paper doll, they face the undeniable truth about the long-term effect of his abuse.
Once men can visualize the effect of their abuse on their victims, I then ask them to think about things that were said to them in childhood:
- “You will never amount to anything!”
- “What are you, stupid?”
- “Quit your crying or I will give you something to cry about!”
- “I brought you into this world, I can take you out!”
Their reaction is priceless. They realize that they, too, have hung onto negative statements from their childhoods. They then can transfer that knowledge to the experiences of their victims. This is a practice in empathy that has a powerful impact on most men. It is one small step toward abusive men becoming non abusive.
Take Away Point
Sometimes it is difficult to see the effect of your behavior on others. Men who are abusive to their intimate partners frequently:
- blame someone else for his abuse and/or
- denies his abuse ever occurred and/or
- minimizes the extent and/or impact of his abuse
The paper dolls activity is a way of abusive men to practice empathy and visually seeing the impact of his abuse.
With warmest regards,
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