Forgiveness
None of us can truly understand the wounds and burdens others carry in their hearts. Some of the wounds are deep-seated from long ago childhood trauma and some wounds are more recent.
Some people hang onto their trauma, never speaking of it to others. Their trauma simmers just below the surface until a word, a look, a tone of voice or a sound sets off a retraumatizing chain of events.
For others who have experienced trauma, their anger and resentment are on full display. They demonstrate their pain by acting on their intense feelings by being destructive.
To manage the effects of trauma, some will seek out support from others who have experienced a similar trauma, some will seek out professionals to talk with, some will drown their trauma with drugs or alcohol, some will seek revenge. For each individual who has experienced trauma, their path to resolution will be different and unique.
Another path toward resolution, some people who have experienced trauma will work towards forgiveness. They have found that their healing (resolution) comes from not holding on to their anger and resentment, but to forgiving. Do not mistake forgiving with forgetting.
Destructive Expression of Trauma
Most people who are trauma victims do not choose to take their aggression out on others. Their behavior tends to be more self-destructive, for example, alcohol or substance abuse or being suicidal. However, times are changing.
People who identify as having been a trauma victim have become increasingly outward with their expression of aggression. An example of this occurred recently.
Maine is a relatively safe state of about a million people. In March of 2023, a man was released from the Maine Correctional Institute after serving three years in prison for an aggravated assault. His mother picked him up from the prison.
Two days later he posted a two-minute video on his facebook page asking for forgiveness. He said he had been “dealing with trauma for a long time on things I don’t talk to people about.” The next day he shot and killed his mother, his father and two of his parents’ friends who were visiting his parents.
As he fled the scene, he then shot and wounded three people in a car he thought had been following him. The shooter was arrested and has since confessed. https://www.nbcnews.com/news/us-news/maine-quadruple-murder-suspect-was-recently-released-prison-rcna80473 Publicly, little more is known about the murderer’s trauma history. And ultimately it doesn’t matter what the trauma was, none of it was a justification for shooting seven people.
Forgiveness vs Forgetting
Perhaps no one understands the effects of trauma more than Elizabeth Smart. At age 14, she was kidnapped from her bedroom, raped repeatedly, abused and held captive for nine months. When asked, “Have you forgiven your captors?” her answer?
”Yes, but I don’t mean I think their actions are acceptable. I will never be okay with rape, abuse, or kidnapping.
But to me forgiveness is another word for self-love, and perhaps the greatest form of self-love. And I forgive my captors because I love myself enough to want happiness, joy, and freedom. And holding onto the negativity, pain, and suffering from my past doesn’t allow me to embrace and live my life fully now.
It didn’t happen overnight, and my family and God were absolutely instrumental in coming to this place. But I believe everyone should have a chance at happiness and I refuse to let mine pass me by.” LDS Living Article – Elizabeth Smart Shares Powerful Message About Forgiving Her Captors : “Forgiveness Is Another Word for Self-Love”
Elizabeth Smart found it in her heart to forgive two heinous people who held her captive and abused her for nine months. She chose forgiveness so she could live her life.
Forgiveness is a difficult journey. It can be especially difficult if the person who hurt you doesn’t admit their wrongdoing. But getting another person to change isn’t the point of forgiveness. It’s about focusing on what you can control in the here and now. Think of forgiveness more about how it can change your life by bringing you peace, happiness, and emotional and spiritual healing. Forgiveness can take away the power the other person continues to have in your life.
Moving Toward Forgiveness
Forgiveness is a commitment to change. It takes practice. To move toward forgiveness, you might:
- recognize the value of forgiveness and how it can improve your life
- identify what needs healing and who you want to forgive
- join a support group
- see a therapist
- acknowledge your emotions about the harm done to you, recognize how those emotions affect your behavior
- choose to forgive the person who has offended you
- release the control and power that the offending person and situation have had in your life
Decide to forgive. Once you make that choice, seal it with an action. If you don’t feel you can talk to the person who wronged you, write about your forgiveness in a journal or even talk about it to someone else in your life whom you trust, perhaps a therapist.
Take Away Point
Forgiveness is a journey. Left unaddressed, trauma can destroy you or others like the murderer in Maine. Or forgiveness can set you free to live your life in peace like Elizabeth Smart. It is your choice.
No content in this blog was created by AI (artificial intelligence). The information presented is the perspective of the author and material amassed from 40+ years as a clinical social worker.
With warmest regards,
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