People Can Be Like Burnt Marshmallows?

This image is of a burnt marshmallow that represents people that put on a façade of being tough but really soft inside.

We all know what a burnt marshmallow is. It is a marshmallow that was left toasting too long on a campfire. A burnt marshmallow is all crusty and hard on the outside and an oozy, gooey liquid mess on the inside.

Is it possible that a person can be like a burnt marshmallow?

Yes.

They are people who go through life with a “crusty” exterior. The crusty exterior is their armor, a defense mechanism that protects them from emotional harm. Their presentation to the world (the burnt part) is one of bravado, “nothing bothers me!”. It is a façade that keeps people at bay.

It is likely either you, or someone you know, is a “burnt marshmallow”.

Who is a Burnt Marshmallow

Just like you cannot go to a grocery store and buy a burnt marshmallow, burnt marshmallows have been created. They were not born that way. Yankee Candle does not make a burnt marshmallow scented candle. No, burnt marshmallows are created by adversity, by trauma. Living life as a burnt marshmallow is a true trial by fire.

The usual origin of that crusty exterior can be the result of verbal abuse, for example, repeatedly hearing, “You are worthless” or “You are so stupid”. The burnt marshmallow part becomes armor, a kind of emotional protection.

The hard, crusty exterior can be the result of emotional pain. You may feel like the black sheep in your family of origin. Perhaps a friend or co-worker betrayed you. Maybe you have been a victim of domestic abuse. The crusty exterior forms so that you decide, “No one is ever going to hurt me again” or “I am never, ever going to let someone else in again.”

The trauma that causes the crusty exterior can be from physical or sexual abuse. Unfortunately, physical and/or sexual abuse are traumas that may seem to remain hidden. Many times victims of physical and/or sexual abuse are badgered and threatened to not report the abuse. Because of the horrible, insidious nature of trauma, victims may erroneously feel the abuse was their fault. The burnt part of the marshmallow can represent the barrier between victims and their trauma. It seems to the world like either trauma never occurred or the victim has resolved their trauma.

There are few who want to live their lives as a burnt marshmallow. They have an exterior that has been created to protect their core from emotional pain.

Are You a Burnt Marshmallow?

Life is not easy as a burnt marshmallow. If you are a burnt marshmallow you tend to have a heightened sense of your surroundings, both physically and emotionally. A burnt marshmallow will be vigilant, needing to know who is physically present. For example, you may not like having your back to a full restaurant, preferring instead to have your back against the wall.

As for your emotional protection, you are constantly reading the room for perceived emotional threats. You may have what is called paralysis of analysis in which you over analyze every word, every tone of voice or every gesture. To you, all criticism is negative.

Living life as a burnt marshmallow may involve you believing the best defense is a good offense. Meaning if you are outwardly tough or aggressive, others may leave you alone or give you a wide physical and emotional berth. An example, if you are loud and aggressive, no one would voluntarily walk up to you and start a conversation or challenge you. It seems like is a great technique for keeping people at bay.

Burnt marshmallows are not walking the earth using their façade as a sign of strength. It is difficult to stay on high alert, to constantly be vigilant of perceived threats. It takes emotional energy. It is easy to “burn out”. All of your energy is focused on protecting that oozy, gooey interior from being harmed.

How do you move past a crusty exterior? It is possible to peel that hard crusty part off. It won’t be easy, because you will have to risk being vulnerable. It will be about moving past trauma and understanding not all people have bad intentions. It will be about gaining confidence and self-assurance.

Living with a Burnt Marshmallow

Focusing on the crusty exterior of a burnt marshmallow will only lead you to building your own walls. Burnt marshmallows are not the easiest people to live with. They frequently lash out, demonstrating the best defense against emotional harm is a “good offense”, i.e. being loud and abrasive.

You may never know how the burnt marshmallow really feels about anything. Their focus is on self-preservation and protecting themselves from emotional harm. The more you pry, the more resistant – and difficult – they will become. And the thicker their burnt exterior will become.

Providing a safe space for expression is the most helpful thing you can do. If someone feels “content” being a burnt marshmallow, you may not be able to break through their crusty exterior. You can be encouraging, you can listen, you can refuse to take anything they say personally, you can even suggest counseling. Ultimately it is their choice to break out of their exterior.

Being in a relationship with a burnt marshmallow you already know, or should know, that it is not your fault and not your responsibility to “fix” or “heal” them. Your responsibility is to understand their exterior is probably the result of unhealed trauma. Your responsibility is to provide a safe environment for the burnt marshmallow to express themselves, a place for them to practice trust and vulnerability.

Take Away Point

There are a lot of burnt marshmallows wandering the earth. No one knows the difficulties anyone else is facing in life. No one knows why someone else may choose a burnt exterior. Perhaps being more sensitive to the difficulties of others will mean more acceptance. Perhaps you could be less defensive when interacting with a burnt marshmallow.

Practice kindness.

With warmest regards,