{"id":317,"date":"2020-07-16T15:17:02","date_gmt":"2020-07-16T20:17:02","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/relationshipsrelearned.com\/staging\/9213\/1\/?page_id=317"},"modified":"2022-03-07T14:54:32","modified_gmt":"2022-03-07T20:54:32","slug":"five-roadblocks-to-effective-communication","status":"publish","type":"page","link":"https:\/\/relationshipsrelearned.com\/staging\/9213\/five-roadblocks-to-effective-communication\/","title":{"rendered":"Five Roadblocks to Effective Communication"},"content":{"rendered":"
[vc_row][vc_column width=”2\/3″][vc_column_text css=”.vc_custom_1600034604254{margin-bottom: 10px !important;}”]\n

Communication Skills<\/h2>\n[\/vc_column_text][vc_column_text]When was the last time you initiated a discussion, only to have it end up in an argument?<\/p>\n

Were you then, or are you now, able to recognize your<\/strong> contribution to turning a discussion into an argument? Perhaps you have heard the Leroy Eldridge Cleaver (1935 \u2013 1998) saying \u201cif you are not part of the solution, you are part of the problem\u201d.<\/p>\n

Part of the process of relearning new communication skills is to recognize the destructive skills you may have learned as children and continue to use today. Learning to avoid the following five roadblocks to communication will improve your relationships with family, friends and acquaintances.<\/p>\n

Being able to successfully communicate will help you avoid arguments and will lead to richer, fuller and more productive relationships.[\/vc_column_text][\/vc_column][vc_column width=”1\/3″][vc_single_image image=”2725″ img_size=”250×200″ alignment=”center” css=”.vc_custom_1646685695339{margin-top: 100px !important;}”][\/vc_column][\/vc_row][vc_row css=”.vc_custom_1600035442243{margin-top: -10px !important;}”][vc_column css=”.vc_custom_1595014725860{margin-top: -10px !important;}”][vc_column_text css=”.vc_custom_1629649021323{margin-bottom: 10px !important;}”]\n

Communication Road Blocks<\/h2>\n[\/vc_column_text][vc_column_text css=”.vc_custom_1600034580569{margin-bottom: 10px !important;}”]\n

Roadblock #1: Avoiding Responsibility for Communication<\/h3>\n[\/vc_column_text][vc_column_text]There are two very common mistaken beliefs about communication. The first mistaken belief is that when one person (\u201ca sender\u201d) wants to talk about something, it is the responsibility of the other person (the \u201creceiver\u201d) to listen and participate in the discussion. It may be relationship enhancing for the receiver to listen, but the receiver is not responsible for maintaining communication<\/strong>.<\/p>\n

The second mistaken belief is that both the sender and the receiver are equally responsible for communication to occur. Communication is the sole responsibility of the sender<\/strong>. During communication the roles of the sender (the person speaking) and the receiver (the person listening) will be exchanged frequently.[\/vc_column_text][vc_row_inner][vc_column_inner width=”1\/3″][vc_single_image image=”660″ img_size=”150×150″ alignment=”center” css=”.vc_custom_1620061124169{margin-top: 40px !important;margin-bottom: 0px !important;}”][\/vc_column_inner][vc_column_inner width=”2\/3″][vc_column_text]For communication to occur the sender is required to:<\/p>\n

1. Develop \u201ca hook\u201d to encourage the receiver to be engaged in the subject.
\n2. Make sure the setting is agreeable for communication.
\n3. Assure there is enough time to discuss the topic to a natural resolution.
\n4. Ensure there is the potential for a mutually successful resolution.
\n5. Express to the receiver a willingness to listen to the receiver\u2019s point of view.[\/vc_column_text][\/vc_column_inner][\/vc_row_inner][vc_column_text]Example #1 of Sender and Receiver:
\n<\/em>Diane is surprised when she opens the Visa bill and sees more than $1,100 in charges for fishing gear. The second John walks into the house, Diane confronts John and says \u201cyou charged $1,100 worth of fishing gear on the Visa??? Thanks to you and your stupid fishing gear, we won\u2019t be able to pay it off in full this month!!
\n<\/span>[\/vc_column_text][vc_column_text css=”.vc_custom_1600035013441{margin-top: -20px !important;}”]1. Did Diane<\/span>\u00a0 pick the right time and the right setting to discuss the credit card bill (see Roadblock #2 below).
\n2. Is there a chance John will be defensive (see Roadblocks #3 and #5)?
\n3. Does the tone of Diane<\/span>\u2019s voice promote communication in saying \u201cthanks to you and your stupid fishing\u201d (see Roadblock #4)?[\/vc_column_text][vc_column_text css=”.vc_custom_1600035189503{margin-top: 40px !important;margin-bottom: 10px !important;}”]\n

Roadblock #2: Rushing Communication: H.A.L.T.<\/h3>\n[\/vc_column_text][vc_column_text css=”.vc_custom_1629575545981{margin-bottom: -10px !important;}”]Have you ever said \u201cI just need to get this off my chest\u201d and blurted out whatever was on your mind? And expected the other person to engage in a healthy \u201cgive and take\u201d?<\/p>\n

Frequently we want to have a discussion whenever we want to have a discussion. If the sender rushes into a discussion, or doesn\u2019t take the time to check in with the other person to see if it is a good time for them to talk, it is likely an argument will ensue.<\/p>\n

\u201cHALT\u201d is a term commonly used by the \u201cold timers\u201d in Alcoholics Anonymous. The \u201cold timers\u201d would say that if any one of these four situations occur (H.A.L.T.), a relapse is likely to occur. If two or more of these situations occur, the higher the likelihood of relapse. This theory is just as true for communication. If any one of these four situations is occurring, communication is unlikely to happen. The more situations involved, the less likely communication will occur:[\/vc_column_text][vc_row_inner css=”.vc_custom_1595015348287{margin-top: 20px !important;}”][vc_column_inner width=”1\/4″][\/vc_column_inner][vc_column_inner width=”1\/4″ css=”.vc_custom_1595015508128{margin-top: 10px !important;}”][vc_column_text css=”.vc_custom_1594932998636{margin-bottom: 0px !important;margin-left: 100px !important;}”]\n

H<\/strong>\u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0Hungry<\/p>\n

A<\/strong>\u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0Angry<\/p>\n

L<\/strong>\u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0Lonely<\/p>\n

T<\/strong>\u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0Tired[\/vc_column_text][\/vc_column_inner][vc_column_inner width=”1\/4″][vc_single_image image=”321″ img_size=”200×200″ css=”.vc_custom_1607106759178{margin-top: 70px !important;margin-bottom: 0px !important;}”][\/vc_column_inner][vc_column_inner width=”1\/4″][\/vc_column_inner][\/vc_row_inner][vc_column_text]Example #2 of HALT:
\n<\/em>When Diane opened the mail she felt angry that so much money had been charged on the Visa card. She also felt betrayed (betrayed = lonely) because their financial agreement to keep all charges to no more than $250 at any one time wasn\u2019t kept. When Diane approached John there were already at least two of HALT warning situations present: angry and lonely.<\/span><\/p>\n

John had been at work all day. When he walked into the house and was confronted by Diane , it is likely he was hungry and tired, two more HALT warning situations.
\n<\/span>[\/vc_column_text][vc_column_text css=”.vc_custom_1600035691401{margin-top: -10px !important;}”]1. With a minimum of four warning situations present, what is the chance of effective communication occurring?
\n2. Do you think they will be able to come to an agreeable plan to pay off the bill before the end of the month?<\/p>\n

The best \u201chook\u201d in this situation would have been for Diane to \u201ccheck in\u201d with herself, and then with John, to determine if they both were in the right frame of mind to discuss the Visa bill. For example \u201cIs this a good time to talk about the Visa bill?\u201d The purpose in this situation is to use the concept:
\n\u2022<\/strong> HALT for yourself (stop and think before you speak).
\n\u2022<\/strong> HALT for the other person (stop and check in with the other person).[\/vc_column_text][vc_row_inner][vc_column_inner width=”2\/3″][vc_column_text css=”.vc_custom_1600034525038{margin-bottom: 10px !important;}”]\n

Roadblock #3: The Technique of “Content to Process Shift”<\/h3>\n[\/vc_column_text][vc_column_text]\u201cContent-to-process shift\u201d is a common destructive communication technique. It is used to deflect attention away from the person who doesn\u2019t want to accept responsibility for his\/her actions. Sometimes this technique is called \u201cgas lighting\u201d because when challenged, a simple discussion about one subject morphs into a defensive challenge. The discussion becomes an argument about the second subject as a method of avoiding the original subject.<\/p>\n

This is a frequently used and very destructive technique in any relationship. Deflection away from the original subject is the goal.[\/vc_column_text][\/vc_column_inner][vc_column_inner width=”1\/3″][vc_single_image image=”325″ img_size=”300×169″ alignment=”center” css=”.vc_custom_1607106853681{margin-top: 80px !important;}”][\/vc_column_inner][\/vc_row_inner][vc_column_text css=”.vc_custom_1598552076937{margin-top: -20px !important;}”]Example #3 of Content-to-Process Shift:
\n<\/em>Because money is tight, Diane\u00a0 and\u00a0 John had made an agreement that neither of them would charge more than $250 during any one month without consulting the other. The second John walks into the house, Diane confronts John and says \u201cyou charged $1,100 worth of fishing gear on the Visa??? Thanks to you and your stupid fishing gear, we won\u2019t be able to pay it off in full this month!!\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

John demands to see the credit card bill, and said: \u201cI am not a child! I don\u2019t need to check in with you to spend money! And look at all these charges on here for shoe stores! If you didn\u2019t buy those new shoes we would be able to pay off the bill this month! Diane responds: \u201cIt was 3 pair of sandals for $55, not $1,100 for fishing gear!\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

John: \u201cYou spend too much money on shoes! I don\u2019t know why you have to have so many! Your closet is full of shoes!\u201d Diane: \u201cThey cost $55!\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

John: \u201cIf you can\u2019t figure out a way to pay off the bill this month I guess you will just have to return the sandals!\u201d<\/span>[\/vc_column_text][vc_column_text]1. What are the chances John and Diane will ever return to talking about how to pay off the Visa bill?
\n2. Was John successful in drawing attention away from his purchase of fishing gear?[\/vc_column_text][\/vc_column][\/vc_row][vc_row][vc_column][vc_column_text css=”.vc_custom_1608506283784{margin-bottom: 0px !important;}”]\n

Roadblock #4: Not being Consistent with Verbal and Nonverbal Communication<\/h3>\n[\/vc_column_text][\/vc_column][\/vc_row][vc_row_inner css=”.vc_custom_1608506379492{margin-top: -10px !important;}”][vc_column_inner width=”2\/3″][vc_column_text]Verbal communication includes the words we say and the tone of voice we use. The spoken word accounts for only about 10% of our communication with others. Our tone of voice is by far the most important part of our verbal communication with others. It accounts for about 55% of our communication.[\/vc_column_text][\/vc_column_inner][vc_column_inner width=”1\/3″][vc_single_image image=”329″ img_size=”115×115″][\/vc_column_inner][\/vc_row_inner][vc_row][vc_column][vc_column_text]Example #4: Tone of Voice\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Instead of using content-to-process shift, what if John\u2019s response was completely different. What if John looked directly at Diane and said in a sincere tone of voice: <\/span>
\n\u201dI am<\/strong> really interested in what you are saying.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Read the following sentences out loud, emphasizing the bold<\/strong> word.
\n<\/span>How would changing the emphasis from one word to another change the \u201ctone of voice\u201d:
\n<\/span>\u201dI am <\/span>really<\/strong> interested in what you are saying.\u201d
\n<\/span>\u201dI am really interested in what <\/span>you<\/strong> are saying.\u201d<\/span>[\/vc_column_text][vc_column_text]1. Does Ed sound sincere or sarcastic in the three sentences?
\n2. How do you think Rita would have responded to the first sentence as opposed to the last two sentences?[\/vc_column_text][vc_column_text]If your words, tone of voice and body language don\u2019t match you are leaving a confusing message for the receiver.\u00a0 Based on statistics, the receiver will likely believe the tone of voice (55% of communication) over the words being said (10% of communication), or the body language (35% of communication).\u00a0 If communication is your goal, your verbal and nonverbal communication must match!\u00a0 The blue puzzle pieces below represent words, tone of voice and body language fitting together.[\/vc_column_text][\/vc_column][\/vc_row][vc_row css=”.vc_custom_1608506625445{margin-top: -10px !important;}”][vc_column][vc_column_text css=”.vc_custom_1608506784611{margin-bottom: 0px !important;}”]\n

Roadblock #5: Inspiring Defensiveness: \u201cYou\u201d<\/h3>\n[\/vc_column_text][vc_row_inner css=”.vc_custom_1611349906056{margin-top: 10px !important;}”][vc_column_inner width=”2\/3″][vc_column_text]Has anyone ever said to you \u201cYou need to listen to me!\u201d or \u201cYou need to quiet down!\u201d? Did you say to yourself \u201cOh my, I need to be quiet and listen right now!\u201d? Or did you say \u201cI don\u2019t have to do anything!\u201d and keep right on talking?[\/vc_column_text][vc_column_text]For many people the process of using \u201cyou\u201d at the beginning of a sentence results in defensiveness for the person you are trying to engage in communication. The \u201cyou\u201d at the beginning of a statement shows disrespect and should be avoided at all costs, unless of course you are making the following two statements:
\n\u2022 \u201cYou are right\u201d; or
\n\u2022 \u201cYou look marvelous.\u201d[\/vc_column_text][\/vc_column_inner][vc_column_inner width=”1\/3″][vc_single_image image=”331″ img_size=”225×175″ alignment=”center” css=”.vc_custom_1608423959377{margin-top: 30px !important;}”][\/vc_column_inner][\/vc_row_inner][vc_column_text]Example #5 of \u201cyou\u201d at the beginning of a sentence:<\/span><\/p>\n

Both John and Diane used \u201cyou\u201d at the beginning of their sentences:<\/span>
\n\u2022 When John walked in the door, Diane confronted John by saying \u201cyou spent too much money on fishing gear\u201d.<\/span>
\n\u2022 John confronted Diane by saying \u201cyou spent too much money on shoes\u201d.<\/span>[\/vc_column_text][vc_column_text]1. Did John feel defensive immediately after Diane started her sentence with the word \u201cyou\u201d?
\n2. Did Diane end up feeling defensive after John started his sentence with the word \u201cyou\u201d?<\/p>\n

This frequently used \u201ctechnique\u201d is detrimental to communication and puts the other person on the defensive.[\/vc_column_text][vc_column_text css=”.vc_custom_1629649305289{margin-bottom: 10px !important;}”]\n

Summary<\/h2>\n[\/vc_column_text][vc_column_text]Using any of these roadblocks to communication will not get you what you want, a successful relationship with yourself, your family and friends, or with your acquaintances. Relearning skills starts with understanding which skills to unlearn. These five roadblocks to communication will be a good start.<\/p>\n

Posted: 9\/20
\nRevised: 08\/21[\/vc_column_text][vc_column_text][\/vc_column_text][\/vc_column][\/vc_row]\n<\/div>","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

[vc_row][vc_column width=”2\/3″][vc_column_text css=”.vc_custom_1600034604254{margin-bottom: 10px !important;}”] Communication Skills [\/vc_column_text][vc_column_text]When was the last time you initiated a discussion, only to have it end up in an argument? […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":2725,"parent":0,"menu_order":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","template":"","meta":{"nf_dc_page":"","_monsterinsights_skip_tracking":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_active":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_note":"","_monsterinsights_sitenote_category":0,"footnotes":""},"class_list":["post-317","page","type-page","status-publish","has-post-thumbnail","hentry"],"aioseo_notices":[],"jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/relationshipsrelearned.com\/staging\/9213\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/pages\/317","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/relationshipsrelearned.com\/staging\/9213\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/pages"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/relationshipsrelearned.com\/staging\/9213\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/page"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/relationshipsrelearned.com\/staging\/9213\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/relationshipsrelearned.com\/staging\/9213\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=317"}],"version-history":[{"count":4,"href":"https:\/\/relationshipsrelearned.com\/staging\/9213\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/pages\/317\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":2908,"href":"https:\/\/relationshipsrelearned.com\/staging\/9213\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/pages\/317\/revisions\/2908"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/relationshipsrelearned.com\/staging\/9213\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/2725"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/relationshipsrelearned.com\/staging\/9213\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=317"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}