Welcome to my blog Guidelines<\/em> to Fighting Fair in Relationships<\/em>.<\/p>\n\n\n\n If you have ever been in a relationship, it is likely that when emotions were running high, you have had a heated exchange of words. Maybe you called it a disagreement, an argument, a dispute, or even a \u201cfight\u201d.<\/p>\n\n\n\n It doesn\u2019t matter if that relationship involves a couple in an intimate relationship, two 5 year olds playing on a playground or two countries disputing borders for the last 5,000 years. There are only four resolutions to any disagreement: In a caring, supportive, non-abusive relationship the goal is always a win-win. How you arrive at that win-win will be based on your ability to \u201cfight fair\u201d, your willingness to follow \u201crules of engagement\u201d. If you both are not working toward a win-win, someone will lose. Too many losses and the relationship will crumble.<\/p>\n\n\n\n There are always the obvious or overt reasons for arguments. They usually involve common everyday situations. They usually involve not being clear about expectations, for example, cell phone usage. Have you agreed that cell phones are put away during meals? Do you share pass codes? In terms of money, is one person a \u201cspender\u201d and one person is a \u201csaver\u201d? There are four common reasons for disagreements in relationships. In this election year another one has been added. The five overt reasons for arguments include: Then there are the not so obvious or covert reasons for arguing. These reasons may not be verbalized, but the undertone is always present. If someone felt like what they were saying was important to the other person, they might not feel disrespected. They would feel like they were heard. The covert reasons people argue are: In every competition, from football to Grand Theft Auto to Monopoly to Uno there are rules to provide: There are also \u201crules\u201d for disagreeing with your partner, family, friends and co-workers. Now might be a good time to review my last two blogs on 15 Tips on Being Graceful in Winning<\/em><\/a>, or my blog 15 Tips to Being Graceful in Defeat<\/a>! <\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n Have you and your partner identified \u201crules of engagement\u201d or how to \u201cfight fair\u201d when you disagree about something? Could you identify 5 \u201crules\u201d to always follow? Would your partner identify the same 5 \u201crules\u201d?<\/p>\n\n\n\n Do you generally make \u201can appointment\u201d to discuss something after the kids have gone to bed or do you ambush your partner with, \u201cWe need to talk right now!\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n Do you decide in advance what will be talked about? Are you always sure of what you are arguing about? How long you will discuss the subject? How do you decide a neutral location? How do you point out the rules have been violated? Do you have a code word for taking a time out?<\/p>\n\n\n\n How do you know when you have reached a resolution?<\/p>\n\n\n\n Everyone has a right to feel safe and be free of physical and emotional abuse. Using humiliation, criticism and\/or degrading names has no place in a healthy relationship. To understand more about healthy relationships, please check out my article What is a Healthy Relationship<\/em><\/a> <\/p>\n\n\n\n If you are unable to resolve differences in an amicable manner, and you still value the relationship, get professional help. You don\u2019t have to wait until things escalate out of control.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Sometimes a relationship is so toxic it shouldn\u2019t exist. If you have given the relationship every reasonable effort and it still drains you, end it. While ending a relationship is never easy, keeping it going \u201cfor the sake of the children\u201d or because it might be embarrassing to admit you \u201cmade a mistake\u201d or \u201cfailed\u201d are no reasons to continue a relationship. Just let the relationship go.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Are current life situations causing you stress? Do you need a plan or new ideas on how to decrease your stress and anxiety? My book may help: Crush Your Stress: 302 Coping Skills for Managing Your Stress.<\/em><\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n\n\n\n
I win — you win
I win — you lose
I lose — you win
I lose — you lose<\/p>\n\n\n\nThe overt and covert reasons for an argument<\/h3>\n\n\n\n
\u2022 Money
\u2022 Children or parenting
\u2022 Sex
\u2022 Cell phones
\u2022 And the latest hot topic: politics<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u2022 Feeling disrespected or unheard
\u2022 Someone putting their ego before the relationship<\/p>\n\n\n\nWhy have rules?<\/h3>\n\n\n\n
\u2022 Consistency
\u2022 Predictability
\u2022 Safety
\u2022 Structure<\/p>\n\n\n\nDetermining how to fight fair<\/h3>\n\n\n\n
15 Tips for Fighting Fair – The Rules<\/h3>\n\n\n\n
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Keep your cool. No yelling, swearing, interrupting or name calling.<\/li>\n\n\n\n
If this isn\u2019t your goal, then you are not being honest about your motive.<\/li>\n\n\n\n
\u201cSilent\u201d and \u201clisten\u201d have the same letters. Think: two ears and one mouth.<\/li>\n\n\n\n
Sometimes the problem is not the problem; it is really layers of unresolved issues.<\/li>\n\n\n\n
Your tone is more important than your words and body language combined.<\/li>\n\n\n\n
In healthy relationships, no feeling is off the table for exploration.<\/li>\n\n\n\n
Blaming someone else is an admission you are wrong.<\/li>\n\n\n\n
This is a slippery slope to eroding a person\u2019s commitment to the relationship.<\/li>\n\n\n\n
Keeping a running tally assumes you will throw wins back at your partner.<\/li>\n\n\n\n
If you decide to argue in front of children, make sure you are a good role model.<\/li>\n\n\n\n
Arguments can be like tornados; they pick up debris as they swirl and get larger.<\/li>\n\n\n\n
Don\u2019t even start if either person is hungry (H), angry (A), lonely (L) or tired (T).<\/li>\n\n\n\n
They will remember the argument long after you have forgotten.<\/li>\n\n\n\n
It is embarrassing, others get uncomfortable and you become fodder for gossip.<\/li>\n\n\n\n
At the end, if you were wrong, or you said something mean or hurtful, apologize.<\/li>\n<\/ol>\n\n\n\nPhysical or emotional abuse is NEVER acceptable<\/h3>\n\n\n\n
Get professional help<\/h3>\n\n\n\n
Relationships are optional<\/h3>\n\n\n\n