{"id":2325,"date":"2021-11-09T08:00:00","date_gmt":"2021-11-09T14:00:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/relationshipsrelearned.com\/staging\/9213\/1\/?p=2325"},"modified":"2022-03-07T13:36:36","modified_gmt":"2022-03-07T19:36:36","slug":"the-holidays-its-okay-not-to-be-home","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/relationshipsrelearned.com\/staging\/9213\/the-holidays-its-okay-not-to-be-home\/","title":{"rendered":"The Holidays: Being Absent From The Family"},"content":{"rendered":"\n
\"holidays<\/figure>\n\n\n\n

Not Home For The Holidays<\/h2>\n\n\n\n

It may be sad, anxiety provoking or exhilarating to realize as an adult, you have the right to choose how you spend the holidays:
\u2022 with or without your family of origin (mother \/ father \/ siblings \/ grandparents, etc.)
\u2022 with or without your family of creation (significant other \/ children \/ friends \/ neighbors \/ co-workers, etc.)<\/p>\n\n\n\n

There are many reasons why you may choose not<\/span> to spend the holidays with your family of origin or your family of creation. Some of those reasons could be:
\u2022 concerns around the transmission of covid
\u2022 the financial cost of travel or gifts
\u2022 not enough earned time \/ vacation time
\u2022 feeling overwhelmed just thinking about the family drama and\/or conflict
\u2022 a desire to start your own holiday traditions
\u2022 preference to spend the holidays with your closest, not extended, group of family or friends<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Whatever your decision, it is your choice to make. Spending the holidays with your family doesn\u2019t make you a \u201cgood person\u201d. Just as not<\/span> spending time around the holidays with family does not make you a \u201cbad person\u201d. Actually, it may be a rite of passage for you, your way of demonstrating you are making adult decisions for yourself!<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Breaking with Tradition<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n

Give yourself permission not to go home for the holidays. If your decision is to break with long-held traditions, the following may help you:
\u2022 Tell your family about your plans as soon as you have made a decision, or as soon as you start considering not going home.
\u2022 Expect that family and\/or friends will be hurt and disappointed when you tell them, especially if this is your first time bowing out of the festivities.
\u2022 Suggest other, non-holiday related times to visit.
\u2022 Think about how you can make your break with tradition by working toward a win-win solution. See my blog: Conflict and 4 Simple Resolutions You Should Know<\/a><\/em>
\u2022 Be kind, but hold firm to your decision.
Vice.com: How to Tell Your Family You’re Not Coming Home for the Holidays<\/em> – By Rachel Miller, October 22, 2020<\/a><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Points to Ponder<\/h2>\n\n\n\n

If you are on the fence about going home for the holidays, think about your previous experiences of being home. Think about your behaviors when you are with family. Do you and\/or your parents and siblings revert to behaviors that were present when you were 12?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

What effect is there on you in the following days, weeks and even months? Do you drink more than usual? Do you have trouble sleeping? Sometimes the experience is a tolerable frustration, while other times the repercussions are physically and emotionally damaging.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Something to consider is that conflict is a sign of a healthy relationship. Doubtful your family can handle news of your absence? Try it. By shifting into an adult relationship, you will be testing the limits.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Acknowledge disappointment, and excuse yourself from guilt. Unless you are intentionally trying to hurt your family by not coming home, recognize that it\u2019s natural for family members to respond with disappointment. It\u2019s okay for people to be disappointed. It is a common, normal feeling.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Give only a simple explanation. If you only go home once a year, and an honest conversation about your Uncle Brian\u2019s drinking or his verbally abusive behavior will cause family drama, it\u2019s probably not the right time to get to the root of why you are opting out of a holiday gathering. When pressured to explain your decision, you may need to take a time out to gather your thoughts. See my blog: 7 Healthy Time Out Steps and How to Use Them<\/a><\/em> <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Be firm in your decision. Set boundaries and expectations by being clear about your intentions not to come home this year. It needs to be a firm decision, otherwise it will lead to a series of painful conversations and you\u2019ll have to go through it again and again, and again.
The EVERYGIRL: Why It\u2019s Okay Not to Go Home for the Holidays (and 7 Ways to Handle It)<\/em> December 18, 2018<\/a><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Covid<\/h3>\n\n\n\n

As if thinking about how to spend the holidays by choice isn\u2019t difficult enough, let\u2019s add covid protocols, mandates, requirements and time for quarantining into your decision making. It is likely that between writing and publishing this blog, there will be numerous iterations of recommendations from the CDC on how to celebrate the holidays in a covid safe manner. However, at this moment in time, some of the CDC recommendations include:
\u2022 Host or watch virtual events and celebrations.
\u2022 Celebrate with only people who live with you.
\u2022 Have an outdoor celebration with everyone at least 6 feet apart and wearing masks.
\u2022 Take a food or gift to family, friends, and neighbors in a way that does not involve contact with others, such as leaving them at the door.
\u2022 Volunteer to help others in need.
Centers for Disease control and Prevention: Holiday Celebrations<\/em>, Updated Aug. 15, 2021<\/a><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Examples of what to say to your family:
\u2022 \u201cI love you so much, and I couldn\u2019t live with myself if I got you sick.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Money<\/h3>\n\n\n\n

Perhaps you would rather buy a new dishwasher rather than travel home for the holidays. Choosing to put financial resources in other places rather than traveling home only makes sense. This is especially true now if there are quarantining costs or covid testing costs involved.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Examples of what to say to your family:
\u2022 \u201cFor weeks I have looked at my budget and have been looking at cheap flights, hotels and rental cars. I just can\u2019t financially swing it this year.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Time Off Work<\/h3>\n\n\n\n

This year, like maybe no other, people have already taken enough time off! With many businesses being incredibly short staffed, maybe you can\u2019t take time off like you used to. Maybe you have already used all of your time off due to juggling remote learning.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Examples of what to say to your family:
\u2022 \u201cSince I am new at this job, I\u2019m not able to take Thanksgiving week off work like I have in the past.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

New Traditions<\/h3>\n\n\n\n

Maybe this year you just want to set up new traditions. Perhaps they are traditions with your family of creation. For example, your children are old enough now that you want them to wake up in their own beds on Christmas morning. This does not make you a bad person, it makes you a good parent.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Examples of what to say to your family:
\u2022 \u201cI have been invited to a Friendsgiving Day meal with a group of my friends from work. I think it would be more relaxing than suffering a 6-hour layover in a busy airport with other people scrambling to get home.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Self-Care<\/h3>\n\n\n\n

Maybe you are just feeling overwhelmed. For many the pandemic has caused significant disruptions in lives, job losses, illness, loss of family members, virtual learning for your children, and on and on and on. Maybe you just have nothing left emotionally or physically to give to one more person.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Examples of what to say to your family:
\u2022 \u201cAs you know, I\u2019ve been stretched really thin lately; I\u2019m incredibly burned out by everything that is happening in the world. I know I will feel better if I just stay home, sleep in and read a few good books. As much as I love spending time with you guys, I am just not up for it this year.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Summary<\/h2>\n\n\n\n

At some point in time there will be a rite of passage for you. It will be the point in time when you prioritize your family of creation over your family of origin. There may be many reasons for doing this, including covid, short of money, lack of time off days, you want to make new traditions, or it is just time for you to focus on self-care. Especially during covid times!<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Admittedly, the first time you say no to going home for the holidays it may be difficult for you and for your family of origin. It gets better. And you owe it to yourself and your family of creation.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

With warmest regards,
\"Kathryn-End<\/p>\n\n\n\n

To be notified of new posts like The Holidays: Being Absent From The Family<\/em>, please enter your email address below and click on the Subscribe button.<\/p>\n\n\n\n\n\n


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