{"id":3090,"date":"2022-09-13T08:00:00","date_gmt":"2022-09-13T13:00:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/relationshipsrelearned.com\/staging\/9213\/1\/?p=3090"},"modified":"2023-11-02T12:36:34","modified_gmt":"2023-11-02T17:36:34","slug":"guilt-vs-shame","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/relationshipsrelearned.com\/staging\/9213\/guilt-vs-shame\/","title":{"rendered":"Guilt vs Shame &#8211; Why It&#8217;s Important To Understand"},"content":{"rendered":"<div class=\"wp-block-image\">\n<figure class=\"aligncenter size-full is-resized\"><img data-recalc-dims=\"1\" loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" width=\"989\" height=\"634\" src=\"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/relationshipsrelearned.com\/staging\/9213\/1\/wp-content\/uploads\/2022\/09\/Guilt-vs-Shame.jpg?resize=989%2C634&#038;ssl=1\" alt=\"Guilt vs Shame is the same as I did something bad. vs I am bad.\" class=\"wp-image-3321\" style=\"width:755px;height:483px\" srcset=\"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/relationshipsrelearned.com\/staging\/9213\/wp-content\/uploads\/2022\/09\/Guilt-vs-Shame.jpg?w=989&amp;ssl=1 989w, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/relationshipsrelearned.com\/staging\/9213\/wp-content\/uploads\/2022\/09\/Guilt-vs-Shame.jpg?resize=300%2C192&amp;ssl=1 300w, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/relationshipsrelearned.com\/staging\/9213\/wp-content\/uploads\/2022\/09\/Guilt-vs-Shame.jpg?resize=768%2C492&amp;ssl=1 768w\" sizes=\"auto, (max-width: 989px) 100vw, 989px\" \/><\/figure>\n<\/div>\n\n\n<p class=\"\">In everyday communication, the words guilt and shame are frequently used interchangeably. Do they really mean the same thing? No.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"\">\u201cI am a terrible person.\u201d \u201cI can\u2019t do anything right.\u201d \u201cHow could anyone love me?\u201d Are these statements examples of guilt or shame?<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"\">\u201cI made a mistake.\u201d \u201cI should have listened to my significant other.\u201d \u201cI was wrong.\u201d Are these statements examples of guilt or shame?<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"\">Do these six statements sound different to you? They should. The first group is about shame. They all reflect your self-perception, how you see yourself in the world.  <span style=\"text-decoration: underline;\">You<\/span> are a <span style=\"text-decoration: underline;\">bad<\/span> person, <span style=\"text-decoration: underline;\">you<\/span> can\u2019t do anything right. All of the statements have to do with perception. There is nothing in these statements about what you <span style=\"text-decoration: underline;\">did<\/span>, only about how you <span style=\"text-decoration: underline;\">feel<\/span> about yourself.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"\">The second group of statements focus on your behavior. What you did. \u201cI made a mistake.\u201d \u201cI was wrong.\u201d There is nothing in these statements about self-reflection.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h2 class=\"wp-block-heading\">Definition of Guilt<\/h2>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"\">Guilt is an emotion. It involves feeling or perceiving that you did something \u201dwrong\u201d, that you did something that was hurtful to someone else. When you feel guilty, you feel remorse for something you did. You feel responsible for hurting someone else (intentionally or unintentionally).<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"\">Guilt is related to a specific behavior or event. You cheated on your partner. You lied to your boss. You cheated on an exam. You called someone a sexually derogatory name. Your response to your bad behavior is to feel guilty.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"m0\">When you feel guilty about the \u201cwrong\u201d thing you did, you can:<\/p>\n\n\n\n<ul class=\"has-background wp-block-list\" style=\"background-color:#f7fdfd\">\n<li class=\"\">recognize your behavior is harmful<\/li>\n\n\n\n<li class=\"\">take responsibility for your actions<\/li>\n\n\n\n<li class=\"\">make amends<\/li>\n\n\n\n<li class=\"\">put it behind you<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n\n\n\n<h2 class=\"wp-block-heading\">Definition of Shame<\/h2>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"\">Shame is also an emotion. Shame is not associated with a behavior or event but rather a pervasive negative sense of self. Shame focuses on you, the individual, not your behavior. Shame is a perception of your perceived deficiencies. When you feel shame, the perception or opinion of other people matters more to you than your own!<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"\">When you feel shame, you are convinced that you, the core of who you are, is \u201cwrong\u201d. There is something \u201cwrong\u201d with you. You are ashamed of yourself. The result is that you start to hide parts of yourself, the parts you feel are deficient. You become an imposter. See my blog: <em><a href=\"https:\/\/relationshipsrelearned.com\/staging\/9213\/1\/what-is-the-imposter-syndrome\/\">What is The Imposter Syndrome?<\/a><\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"m0\">When you feel shame about who you are, you:<\/p>\n\n\n\n<ul class=\"has-background wp-block-list\" style=\"background-color:#f7fdfd\">\n<li class=\"\">struggle to recognize your shame<\/li>\n\n\n\n<li class=\"\">feel hopeless for the future<\/li>\n\n\n\n<li class=\"\">feel helpless when it comes to knowing how to make life better<\/li>\n\n\n\n<li class=\"\">fixate on your \u201cfailures\u201d<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n\n\n\n<h3 class=\"wp-block-heading\">Guilt and Shame<\/h3>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"m0\">To make the distinction between guilt and shame even more difficult, guilt and shame can sometimes occur at the same time!<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"m0 has-background\" style=\"background-color:#f7fdfd\">Example:<br>Justin and Ashley have recently separated after 7 years of marriage. While they are still in a phase of \u201ctrying to work it out\u201d, Justin starts spending time and emotional energy with a co-worker, Monica.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"m0 has-background\" style=\"background-color:#f7fdfd\">Justin may feel if he was a better husband and father (shame), his relationship with Ashley could be successful. He is aware spending time and emotional energy on Monica is not going to rebuild his relationship with Ashley (guilt).<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-background\" style=\"background-color:#f7fdfd\">Ashley feels that if she could juggle being a better wife, mother and employee (shame), Justin wouldn\u2019t have moved out. She feels guilty because she has been spending more time at work lately.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h3 class=\"wp-block-heading\">Why Does it Matter?<\/h3>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"\">Understanding the difference between guilt and shame is important. When you feel guilty, you recognize your behavior has been hurtful to someone else. You understand how your behavior could have been harmful. You can then take responsibility for your behavior. By making amends, you may say, \u201cI am sorry\u201d or \u201cI was wrong.\u201d You can then make a plan to do things differently.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"m0\">Only when you have recognized your behavior, taken responsibility and then made amends can you put your behavior in the past. This sounds simplistic. Sometimes it is an easy process and sometimes it takes a significant amount of self-awareness and effort.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"m0 has-background\" style=\"background-color:#f7fdfd\">Example:<br>Owen and Isabella were married for 3 years when Isabella had an affair with a co-worker. Almost immediately she felt guilty (recognized her behavior was harmful). She knew her behavior was wrong. She went to Owen and told him what she had done (she took responsibility for her actions). Isabella apologized to Owen and immediately broke off the affair (made amends). It took a lot of talking, crying and negotiation, but eventually Owen forgave Isabella. Ultimately their relationship became stronger for the challenge they faced early in their relationship.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-background\" style=\"background-color:#f7fdfd\">Example:<br>Cole and Zoey were married for 3 years when Zoey had an affair with a co-worker. Zoey had struggled with low self-esteem and lack of confidence her whole life. She couldn\u2019t believe that someone like Cole could ever love her. Even Zoey would admit Cole had never done anything or said anything that had made her seek attention from someone else. Zoey felt empty and hollow. Her affair was about filling a void. For Zoey, the future seemed hopeless. She chose the one method of boosting her self-esteem (attention from someone besides her husband) that would be sure to reinforce her negative self-image!<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"\">In the first example, the focus was on Isabella\u2019s behavior and her guilt. By focusing on Isabella\u2019s bad behavior they could work on coming to a mutually agreeable resolution. And put it behind them.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"\">In the second example, the focus was on Zoey\u2019s shame. She felt unable to confess to Cole. When he found out about the affair, he was devastated. Cole would ask her why she did it. Zoey would say she didn\u2019t know. She would say she was sorry but couldn\u2019t guarantee it wouldn\u2019t happen again. After all, she didn\u2019t know why she had the affair to begin with!<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"\">For Zoey to improve her self-esteem, self-image and confidence, she would need to do a lot of work on herself. Therapy could even be an option.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h2 class=\"wp-block-heading\">Take Away Point<\/h2>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"\">People frequently interchange the words guilt and shame. While they can occur simultaneously, they are very different. Accurately describing which you are feeling is important in managing your emotions and obtaining support if you need it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"\">With warmest regards,<br><img data-recalc-dims=\"1\" loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" width=\"300\" height=\"97\" class=\"wp-image-1389\" style=\"width: 300px;\" src=\"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/relationshipsrelearned.com\/staging\/9213\/1\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/01\/Kathryn-RelationshipsRelearned.com_.png?resize=300%2C97&#038;ssl=1\" alt=\"Kathryn-End of Post Signature\" srcset=\"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/relationshipsrelearned.com\/staging\/9213\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/01\/Kathryn-RelationshipsRelearned.com_.png?w=681&amp;ssl=1 681w, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/relationshipsrelearned.com\/staging\/9213\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/01\/Kathryn-RelationshipsRelearned.com_.png?resize=300%2C97&amp;ssl=1 300w\" sizes=\"auto, (max-width: 300px) 100vw, 300px\" \/><\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"\">Thank you so much for reading this blog. If you enjoyed the content, please check out other blogs at:<br><a href=\"https:\/\/relationshipsrelearned.com\/staging\/9213\/1\">www.relationshipsrelearned.com<\/a><br><a href=\"http:\/\/www.rvingnomads.com\">www.rvingnomads.com<\/a><\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"\">To be notified of new posts, please enter your email address and click on the Subscribe button.<\/p>\n\n\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>In everyday communication, the words guilt and shame are frequently used interchangeably. Do they really mean the same thing? No. \u201cI am a terrible person.\u201d [&hellip;]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":3321,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"nf_dc_page":"","_monsterinsights_skip_tracking":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_active":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_note":"","_monsterinsights_sitenote_category":0,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[59,39,133],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-3090","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-feelings","category-relationships","category-self-esteem"],"aioseo_notices":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/relationshipsrelearned.com\/staging\/9213\/wp-content\/uploads\/2022\/09\/Guilt-vs-Shame.jpg?fit=989%2C634&ssl=1","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/relationshipsrelearned.com\/staging\/9213\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3090","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/relationshipsrelearned.com\/staging\/9213\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/relationshipsrelearned.com\/staging\/9213\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/relationshipsrelearned.com\/staging\/9213\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/relationshipsrelearned.com\/staging\/9213\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=3090"}],"version-history":[{"count":5,"href":"https:\/\/relationshipsrelearned.com\/staging\/9213\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3090\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":4168,"href":"https:\/\/relationshipsrelearned.com\/staging\/9213\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3090\/revisions\/4168"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/relationshipsrelearned.com\/staging\/9213\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/3321"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/relationshipsrelearned.com\/staging\/9213\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=3090"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/relationshipsrelearned.com\/staging\/9213\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=3090"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/relationshipsrelearned.com\/staging\/9213\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=3090"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}