{"id":3466,"date":"2023-01-03T08:00:00","date_gmt":"2023-01-03T14:00:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/relationshipsrelearned.com\/staging\/9213\/1\/?p=3466"},"modified":"2023-11-02T12:29:23","modified_gmt":"2023-11-02T17:29:23","slug":"reasons-why-victims-of-domestic-abuse-stay","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/relationshipsrelearned.com\/staging\/9213\/reasons-why-victims-of-domestic-abuse-stay\/","title":{"rendered":"Reasons Why Victims of Domestic Abuse Stay"},"content":{"rendered":"
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Victims of domestic abuse can see the world through a different lens than others do. <\/sup><\/em><\/figcaption><\/figure>\n<\/div>\n\n\n

For 40+ years I have worked in the field of domestic abuse. In the beginning of my career, I worked with victims of domestic abuse. For the last 30 years I have worked primarily with the batterers, the perpetrators of domestic abuse.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

During the course of that 40+ years I have done hundreds of presentations about domestic abuse to mental health professionals, doctors, nurses, students, judges, lawyers, police, child protection workers and the public. My presentations have been at schools, colleges, professional conferences, hospitals, police stations and churches.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Having done this education and training nationwide (Maine to California) for over 4 decades, I still feel angry, sad, frustrated and annoyed when I am asked, \u201cWhy does she stay?\u201d Everyone wants to know why a victim would stay in a relationship with someone who is abusing her and\/or her children and pets.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Why are victims of domestic abuse still being blamed for the abuse being perpetrated on them?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The question I wish people would ask me is, \u201cWhy does he abuse?\u201d That is the right question. It puts the responsibility on the batterer, not the victim.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Empathy<\/h2>\n\n\n\n

The only way people can start to understand the reasons why victims of domestic abuse would stay in an abusive relationship is if they have empathy.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The sad part is that even if someone has been traumatized themselves, many do not have empathy for victims of domestic abuse. Repeatedly I hear \u201cIf someone abused me, I would be out of there so fast!\u201d Or, \u201cI left, why can\u2019t everyone?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

It just isn\u2019t that easy.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

In terms of understanding why someone doesn\u2019t leave, please read my blog on How People Become a Frog in Water<\/a><\/em>. The blog will help you understand the cycle of abuse.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

For many victims of domestic abuse, abuse does not end when a relationship ends. Many times people will \u201cstay together for the sake of the children\u201d where a separation may be much healthier for all involved.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Bad Boss Activity<\/h2>\n\n\n\n

Long ago I created the Bad Boss Activity to help people understand why victims stay in an abusive relationship.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

When possible, I would have a large group break into smaller groups of 6 \u2013 10 people. People seem to be the most willing to talk and share in smaller groups.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Each group would be handed a sheet of paper and a marker. One person was designated the \u201cscribe\u201d, or the person who wrote down the responses from the smaller group members.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I would start off by saying, \u201cMost of us in here have a had a job, right?\u201d Most in the audience would laugh and say, \u201cYes\u201d or they would nod their heads affirmatively.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Then I would add, \u201cAnd most of us have had a bad boss, right?\u201d Again, there would be laughter and comments affirming they had a bad boss.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Question One<\/h3>\n\n\n\n

My instruction was then for each group to identify 3-5 characteristics of a bad boss. The scribe would write those characteristics down on their sheet of paper. This activity usually lasted about 10 minutes. Most people have had a job and most people have had a bad boss. There is usually a lot of laughter and participation in their activity.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Examples usually included:<\/p>\n\n\n\n