{"id":722,"date":"2020-09-15T10:56:00","date_gmt":"2020-09-15T15:56:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/relationshipsrelearned.com\/staging\/9213\/1\/?p=722"},"modified":"2021-06-18T10:58:19","modified_gmt":"2021-06-18T15:58:19","slug":"skills-to-accept-tough-criticism","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/relationshipsrelearned.com\/staging\/9213\/skills-to-accept-tough-criticism\/","title":{"rendered":"Learn How To Handle Destructive Criticism"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

Learn How To Handle Destructive Criticism<\/h2>\n\n\n\n

Welcome! I am glad you are here.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

This blog focuses on offering skills and techniques on how to respond to destructive criticism. At any given time you can be the recipient of criticism from:
\u2022 Yourself (lack of confidence, low self-esteem and negative self-talk)
\u2022 Your family, friends, acquaintances, neighbors, co-workers and\/or supervisors<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Over the next few weeks there will probably be many times when someone will criticize you because of how you look, how you act, your choice in partners, your political choices, your weight, your cooking, the list can go on and on. For example, \u201cYou have to be crazy to vote for that person!\u201d \u201cYou are the worst child ever!\u201d \u201cYou have put on weight!\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Perhaps you will be the person who is doing the criticism! It is possible for you to be your own worst critic by raising self-doubt and questioning your decisions. For example, \u201cI am so fat!\u201d \u201cWhy am I so desperate that being in a bad relationship is better than being alone?\u201d \u201cWhy didn\u2019t I go for that promotion? I am just as qualified as the person who got it.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Positive and Negative Criticism<\/h3>\n\n\n\n

Criticism can be either positive (constructive) or negative (destructive). Destructive criticism can cut to your core, defeating you, injuring your self-esteem, leaving you feeling defensive, frustrated, hopeless, abandoned, and maybe even angry. Constructive criticism can inspire you to do things differently, or to see things in a different way. It can boost your knowledge, self-esteem and confidence.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

There are many factors to take into consideration when receiving criticism:
\u2022 Who is sharing the criticism? If it is someone you trust chances are good their criticism is meant to be helpful.
\u2022 How is the criticism given? Is the criticism compassionate and caring or degrading and demeaning?
\u2022 How specific is the criticism? Is the criticism vague, for example, \u201cYou don\u2019t know what you are talking about!\u201d? Or is the criticism more specific, for example, \u201cUsing directions would probably be helpful\u201d?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Are You the Critical One?<\/h4>\n\n\n\n

This may be a hard concept for you to hear. When you are criticized, do you become so defensive that you cannot hear what the other person is saying? Do people \u201ctiptoe\u201d around you for fear of receiving your wrath, your scathing words? You may not even see how others avoid you. You don\u2019t see how critical you really are. If you treat yourself with disrespect and you are critical of yourself, you probably do the same to others. You just aren\u2019t aware of it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The Effect of Criticism on Relationships<\/h4>\n\n\n\n

Most people do not criticize their partner with the intention of being harmful or demeaning. Most people do not want to deliberately injure their relationships. However, there are many positive and negative reasons a spouse or partner might criticize you:
\u2022 Your partner sincerely wants to be helpful in some manner.
\u2022 Your partner wants to point out a troublesome action or mannerism that you might want to change.
\u2022 Your partner is frustrated, hurt, or embarrassed by your words or behavior.
\u2022 Your partner is simply expressing his\/her feelings. It isn\u2019t meant to hurt you, the partner just wants to \u201cget something off her\/his chest\u201d.
\u2022 Your partner feels \u201cthe best defense is a good offense\u201d, meaning \u201cattacking\u201d might lessen the chance of you \u201cattacking\u201d them.
\u2022 Your partner\u2019s intent is to provoke an argument.
\u2022 In an attempt to make him\/her feel better, s\/he shifts responsibility to you, making a troublesome situation your responsibility or your fault.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Techniques<\/h4>\n\n\n\n

The following are twelve common techniques that may be helpful to you when you are confronted by criticism. Find 3 or 4 techniques that you feel comfortable with and practice them. In the future when you are confronted with criticism, you will have a variety of responsible responses.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

  1. Ask for reassurance.<\/strong>
    Description:<\/strong> Request that when someone gives you negative criticism, they also give you positive criticism as well. Think of an Oreo cookie: positive criticism is the chocolate cookie, negative criticism is the filling.
    Example:<\/strong> \u201cI know you don\u2019t like my mashed potatoes, but can you tell me one dish I cook that you like?\u201d<\/li>
  2. Take a moment to process.<\/strong>
    Description:<\/strong> So you won\u2019t say something you later regret, or just start an argument, set aside your initial reaction and take the time to think about the criticism objectively before responding.
    Example:<\/strong> \u201cThat was really hard to hear. I would like a little time to think about what you said.\u201d<\/li>
  3. Don\u2019t take criticism personally.<\/strong>
    Description:<\/strong> It is very easy to take criticism personally. After all, it feels like our very core is being trampled. One thing you might want to consider is that the criticism may have some truth to it, something that should be addressed.
    Example: <\/strong>Use positive self-talk, for example, \u201cI know the criticism isn\u2019t about me as a person, it is meant to help me change my behavior.\u201d<\/li>
  4. Respond to the criticism, not the tone.<\/strong>
    Description:<\/strong> It is very easy to get caught up in someone\u2019s tone of voice or their presentation style, and completely miss what they are saying. It is important to not get caught up in the tone or the presentation and hear the words.
    Example:<\/strong> \u201cI want to hear what you have to say. But when I only hear your angry tone of voice, I can\u2019t hear the words you are saying.\u201d<\/li>
  5. Request specifics.<\/strong>
    Description:<\/strong> When you don\u2019t understand criticism, ask for specifics. It is okay to ask for clarification of criticism. If you don\u2019t understand what is being said, you can\u2019t look at what you are doing!
    Example:<\/strong> \u201cCan you explain to me what you mean when you say I am impatient?\u201d<\/li>
  6. Guess specifics.<\/strong>
    Description:<\/strong> Sometimes feedback you receive is vague. You might have a general idea about the criticism you are receiving, but you aren\u2019t really sure. For clarification, if you are to take the criticism seriously, you can guess what they really mean.
    Example: <\/strong>\u201cAre you saying you don\u2019t think I am listening to you while I am cooking dinner?\u201d<\/li>
  7. Ask for additional complaints.<\/strong>
    Description:<\/strong> It may sound absurd when you are being criticized to ask for additional criticism. However, what this does is provide an opportunity to \u201cclear the air\u201d, to be able to discuss other similar situations. It could prevent problems in the future.
    Example:<\/strong> \u201cAre there other things I am doing that you think we should talk about, too?\u201d<\/li>
  8. Use active listening.<\/strong>
    Description:<\/strong> Frequently people just want to know that their criticism has been heard. They understand changes cannot be made overnight. They just want to know they were heard.
    Example: <\/strong>\u201cWhat I heard you say was I was short tempered today.\u201d<\/li>
  9. Agree with the truth.<\/strong>
    Description:<\/strong> Criticism you receive is frequently has some truth to it. You may not want to hear it, but it doesn\u2019t change the facts. Being able to recognize and then admit you were wrong is a very difficult, but powerful, thing to do!
    Example:<\/strong> \u201cI agree with you, I could probably have said what I did in a nicer tone of voice.\u201d<\/li>
  10. Agree with the odds.<\/strong>
    Description:<\/strong> While not fully agreeing with the criticism, you could agree with the odds, or chances, that what is being said is valid criticism. You may need more time to think about the situation and to process the criticism.
    Example:<\/strong> \u201cYou may be right. I know in the past I have said things in anger that were hurtful.\u201d<\/li>
  11. Disagree with the criticism.<\/strong>
    Description:<\/strong> When you are criticized, you have the right to disagree. Sometimes criticism is given could be based on wanting to provoke you, or to start a fight. If you honestly don\u2019t feel the criticism is undeserved, you have the right to disagree.
    Example:<\/strong> \u201cI disagree with you, I am listening. Sometimes I just need time to think before I say something I will regret.\u201d<\/li>
  12. Apologize for your contribution.<\/strong>
    Description:<\/strong> Though it may be difficult to hear, sometimes you are part of the problem. The ability to apologize shows you are capable of taking responsibility, not just trying to avoid criticism.
    Example:<\/strong> \u201cI am sorry. I was wrong. I shouldn\u2019t have raised my voice. Can we start over again, or can we come back to this later?\u201d<\/li><\/ol>\n\n\n\n

    Remember, practicing skills to handle criticism before you need them, will give you the ability to manage any situation involving criticism. Get practicing! You may also be interested in my article Five Roadblocks to Effective Communication<\/strong><\/em><\/a><\/p>\n\n\n\n

    I hope this blog has provided you with new information that will be helpful to you in all your relationships. If you have any comments or questions about the content of this blog, please contact me: Kathryn@relationshipsrelearned.com<\/a><\/p>\n\n\n\n

    Are current life situations causing you stress? Do you need a plan or new ideas on how to decrease your stress and anxiety? My book may help: Crush Your Stress:<\/em><\/strong> 302 Coping Skills for Managing Your Stress.<\/em><\/span><\/p>\n\n\n\n

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