Thanksgiving 2020: A Self-fulfilling Prophecy?
There is a wonderful quote by Henry Ford (1863-1846) that applies to self-fulfilling prophecies: Whether you think you can or you think you can’t, you’re right.
What is a self-fulfilling prophecy?
The term “self-fulfilling prophecy” (SFP) was coined in 1948 by sociologist Robert Merton. A self-fulfilling prophecy occurs when a prediction causes itself to become true. There are three main types of self-fulfilling prophecies:
• Self-imposed prophecies occur when your own expectations influence your actions.
• Other-imposed prophecies occur when other peoples’ expectations influence your behavior.
• The Pygmalion Effect states the way you treat someone has a direct impact on how that person acts.
Is a self-fulfilling prophecy positive or negative?
Both! If you are convinced that an upcoming job interview will go well, you will go into the interview portraying self-assurance and confidence. By portraying yourself as confident, you will likely be seen as a good fit for the company. If you go into a job interview with a poor, defeatist attitude, you may be seen as someone without the skills the company is looking for, and will not be hired.
If you are looking forward to a big family holiday meal and celebration you will exude excitement and anticipation. You will greet family members with hugs, smiles and laughter. Your family time will be filled with joy. If you dread the big family holiday meal, you will avoid eye contact, be triggered by comments and flee the family gathering as soon as possible. The family gathering will be as bad as you expected it to be!
Your positive and negative thoughts and actions will have a great influence on how events will play out. You are in control of your thoughts and actions.
How will your Thanksgiving 2020 be?
COVID-19 has struck families in many ways in 2020. Some families have lost family members or friends due to infections. Some families are reeling financially due to business closures and job losses. Some children are learning virtually and are isolated from friends. And some families won’t see each other this Thanksgiving due to concerns of spreading or being exposed to COVID-19. To all of those families my heart hurts for you. This anguish is one of the reasons I wrote Crush Your Stress: 302 Coping Skills for Managing Your Stress.
For many people, they are eagerly awaiting the big Thanksgiving holiday. For them it will be a Norman Rockwell celebration filled with family and friends. Thanksgiving means:
• Eating the big Thanksgiving meal with leftovers for days
• Shopping on Black Friday, Small Business Saturday and Cyber Monday
• 24/7 football games
• Stories shared about surviving COVID-19 and the 2020 elections
For some, Thanksgiving with family will be a miserable, dreaded, unwelcome obligation in which there will be:
• Too much of everything: too much food, too many people and too much noise
• Expectations for everyone to get along, even if they don’t
• Concerns of spreading or contracting COVID-19
• Endless tension-filled discussions concerning differing political perspectives
Tips for preventing the negative effects of a self-fulfilling prophecy
- Do a check-in on your feelings.
Feelings are normal, healthy and human, even feelings like anger. If you feel you “shouldn’t” feel a particular way, you may end up feeling shame and self-doubt.
Example: “My partner should know how I feel about politics.” vs. “I am an adult, I should be able to have civil conversations with others about politics.” - You are responsible for what you do.
Experiencing a feeling is NOT the same as ACTING on that feeling. You can make the choice to not be impulsive and act on a feeling.
Example: “I feel really frustrated that politics has to be a discussion at every Thanksgiving meal.” Vs. “I am not going to the family Thanksgiving this year.” - Your feelings are your own.
No one else makes you feel anything. This includes feeling “good” or feeling “disappointed”. It is your choice and your decision to what you feel.
Example: “You make me so angry.” vs. “When this happens, I feel disappointed.” - Get to know your triggers.
What triggers your stress response? If you don’t make a conscious effort to know your triggers, you can’t make a plan to control your response.
Example: “I feel anxious when people argue. When my cousins start arguing, I will leave the room and start a discussion with someone else.” - Avoid setting yourself up for distress.
Think about people in your life as “streetlight people”. “Green people” are people to go to, but with “yellow people” use caution. “Stop” being around “red people”.
Example: “My cousins are always loud and fighting. This Thanksgiving I will make sure I am not sitting next to them.” - State your feelings directly.
Stating your feelings starts with identifying what you are really feeling. Try different intensities of feelings to see if another feeling is more accurate.
Example: “I am really angry about the election.” vs. “I am really fearful of the outcome of the election.” - Develop coping strategies.
Develop coping strategies for managing stressful situations. Know what has worked for you in the past, and what has made things worse.
Example: “When I am around my cousins at Thanksgiving I know if I drink alcohol it will not make me feel calmer.” - Avoid justifying your actions.
If you are justifying your actions, you are trying to make excuses for why you acted in a particular way. If you have thought through your actions, excuses are unnecessary.
Example: “It is okay for me to drink alcohol on Thanksgiving because it allows me to be around my aunts who all think I should be married with children by now.” - Deal with the issues as they arise.
Some people feel something “small” isn’t worth mentioning. However, hoarding too many of these “small events” can balloon into a very big deal.
Example: “For years I haven’t said anything to my aunts about their hurtful comments about my weight. I don’t even want to go to Thanksgiving this year.” - Work toward resolution.
If you believe a problem has a solution, you will work diligently until you find the solution. If you believe a problem is unsolvable, you won’t even try to solve it.
Example: “There must be a way to deflect talking about politics.” vs. “It isn’t even worth trying to get people to stop talking politics at the Thanksgiving meal.”
It is your choice.
As we look forward to Thanksgiving, Hanukah and Christmas your self-fulfilling prophecy plays a role in how those holidays will go.
If you feel the Thanksgiving meal will be wonderful, it will be. You will probably let some things go in one ear and out the other, you will let some comments slide, or you will avoid certain conversations or people. You will make the best of any situation!
If you feel the Thanksgiving meal will be miserable, it will be. You will pick up on every negative comment and every tone of voice that is harsh. Anything said you don’t like or agree with will result in you “verbally vomiting” or skyrocketing your blood pressure by remaining silent. You, and those around you, will be miserable.
What will the Thanksgiving holiday be like for you? It is your choice.
