Consciously vs. Unconsciously Hiding Your Anger
Consciously you may know you are angry. Or you may have hidden or unconscious anger, anger you may not even be aware of! You can identify the moment you started to feel angry. You know who was around you. You can identify your physiological response. Maybe your face went red, or the color drained from your face! Maybe your shoulders tensed. You tightly crossed your arms, or maybe even clenched your fists. In this situation you can identify the anger and make choices about how you want to respond: sit with the uncomfortable feeling, express your anger assertively, or be destructive with the expression of anger.
Sometimes people can be so afraid of their anger and the way they express their anger that the feeling is driven deep within them. They will not acknowledge feeling angry. Or they have stuffed their anger for so long, they don’t even identify the feeling as anger. They might call it frustration or betrayal or disappointed, but never anger.
Hidden anger is sneaky, subtle, and covert. It also has its risks and bad consequences. Hidden anger is indirect, incongruent and unproductive behavior. It blocks resolution as it is intended to hurt annoy or destroy someone. Hidden anger is also triggered by needs that are not met like need for attention, love, care, being in control and many others. Hidden anger is never positive because of its manipulative nature.
Cognitive Healing article: How to Overcome Hidden Anger and Passive Aggressive Behaviors.
Hidden Anger in Relationships
All hidden anger is harmful, destructive and manipulative in relationships. Once hidden anger is identified, you can begin to learn about how to express your anger in a healthy, assertive, productive manner.
Having one or two of the following characteristics doesn’t mean you have hidden anger. Many of the following characteristics can be explained in other ways. For example, if you wake up tired instead of refreshed, it could be because you have a bad mattress. However, the more characteristics you have, the more likely it is that you have hidden anger!
Perhaps some of the following sound like you?
- Harmful Verbal Communication
Characteristics:
• A liking for sadistic or hurtful humor
• Using sarcasm
• Flippancy in conversation
• Continually being critical of others
• Overly controlled monotone speaking voice
• Overuse of profanity
• Exaggerated irritability over nothing
• Being judgmental
Effect on your relationships: You never take things seriously. Everything is a “joke”, usually at someone else’s expense. If anyone challenges your sarcasm, your response is, “What’s the matter, can’t you take a joke?” In thinking that “the best defense is a good offense”, you may sabotage a relationship. You want to be the one in charge, the person in control. Conflict is rarely resolved in a healthy manner.
- Passive-Aggressive Verbal Communication:
Characteristics:
• Over politeness
• A constant cheerfulness
• “Grin and bear it” attitude
Effect on your relationships: Sometimes when anger is hidden, people will go to the opposite extreme and come across as someone who is “happy”. All of it is a façade and is extremely detrimental to relationships.
- Nonverbal Communication
Characteristics:
• Procrastination of tasks
• Perpetual lateness
• Excessively impatient
• Frequent sighing
• Eye rolling
• Avoidance of eye contact
• Habitual fist clenching
Effect on your relationships: Because you are turning your anger inward you carry around some depression, some sadness. When people see you frequently sighing or jiggling your leg and they ask what is wrong, your response is always, “I’m fine” or “There is nothing wrong.” All are destructive to relationships.
- Physical Symptoms
Characteristics:
• Chronically stiff or sore muscles
• Facial tics
• Clenching jaws during the night
• Grinding of your teeth during the night
Effect on relationships: Your body is going to let you know when there is hidden anger. Perhaps you are constantly having aches and pains that may even prevent intimacy or any physical activity. Medication or using ice or heat don’t seem to be effective.
- Energy Level
Characteristics:
• Boredom
• Feeling lethargic
• Apathy or loss of interest in things you are usually enthusiastic about
• Chronic depression, extended periods of feeling “down” for no reason
• Slowing down of movement and/or activity
• Sleeping more than usual
• Getting tired more easily than usual
Effect on your relationships: Your apathy and/or lack of interest in doing activities can interfere with a successful relationship. You lack the energy to put into a relationship to make it better. You aren’t much fun to be around!
- Poor Boundaries
Characteristics:
• Can’t say “no”
• Needing to have the last word
• Plotting revenge
• Frequently using the following phrases: “you should…”, “yes, but…”, “whatever”, “why me?”, “nothing is wrong”, “you always…”, “you never…”
Effect on your relationships: When someone has difficulty saying “no”, they tend to have poor boundaries, or they fear allowing their real feelings to be evident. There tends to be a lack of honesty in the relationship.
- Sleep Patterns
Characteristics:
• Waking up tired rather than rested or refreshed
• Frequently having disturbing or frightening dreams
• Dreaming in black and white or monochrome
• Difficulty getting to sleep
• Difficulty sleeping through the night
• Waking up early and not being able to get back to sleep
Effect on Relationships: Not getting enough rest is one of the key factors in interrupting an otherwise healthy relationship. Feeling hungry, angry, lonely or tired (HALT) interferes with an honest discussion.
See my article: Five Roadblocks to Effective Communications
Do any of the above characteristics sound like you? If you have 4 or 5 of the preceding “random characteristics”, you may be denying your anger. It may be hidden anger.
Phycology Today article: Getting to the Root of Hidden Anger
By being able to identify your hidden anger you can start to be more honest with yourself and those around you. And your relationships may improve!
Quotes on Hidden Anger:
Life is too short to hide your feelings. Don’t be afraid to say what you feel.
– Anonymous
People who hide their feelings usually care the most.
– Thepsychmind.com
Bitter people are not interested in what you say, but what you hide.
– Shannon L. Alder
Three things cannot be hidden: the sun, the moon and the truth.
– Buddha
With warmest regards,
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