Definition of domestic abuse/violence: Domestic abuse is not about losing control, but a systematic method of asserting and maintaining power and control over a current or former intimate partner or a situation involving a current or former intimate partner.
For 40+ years I have worked with both victims and perpetrators of domestic abuse/violence in which the perpetrator was male and the victim was female. This checklist has been developed exclusively for male to female domestic abuse/violence. While I acknowledge there are other forms of interpersonal abuse, for example, female to male abuse, or same sex abuse, these are not my areas of expertise. For this reason, any reference to “perpetrators” or “batterers” will be in reference to males. Any reference to “victim” or “survivor” will be in reference to females.
If my four decades of experience have taught me anything about abusive relationships, it is that men are abusive because they physically can, and because it gets them what they want in the shortest amount of time with the least amount of effort.
I am also a firm believer that just as men learned how to be abusive, they can unlearn that behavior, and relearn how to be non abusive. I have seen it happen. However, the abusive behavior must be recognized as being abusive and/or violent.
Trigger Warning: If you are the victim of domestic abuse/violence and you find something in this blog to be triggering, someone is available 24/7 to speak with you. You are not alone. If it is safe to do so, please contact:
- Domestic abuse/violence: National Domestic Violence Hotline at 800-799-7233
- Sexual abuse/assault: National Sexual Assault Hotline at 800-656-4673
- Human trafficking: National Human Trafficking Hotline at 888-373-7888
EMOTIONAL ABUSE
Emotional abuse is sometimes called “psychological abuse” or “mental abuse”. The scars for someone who has been the victim of emotional abuse can be deep. So deep that for some victims, physical abuse pales in comparison to the wounds of emotional abuse. The damage of being told “You are stupid, fat and ugly” over and over and over again, cuts deep, wounding her self-esteem and self-worth to its core. Hearing over and over and over again that “No one will ever want you but me” or “You are crazy!” begins to sound like the truth.
Because there isn’t any physical evidence of harm or damage, emotional abuse is not taken as seriously as physical or sexual abuse.
Emotional abuse is probably not going to get anyone involved with the criminal justice system. The only exception to this is when a batterer makes a threat to harm or kill someone.
Emotional abuse is a series of acts that:
- prevents the victim from doing something she wants to do; and/or
- forces her to do something she doesn’t want to do; and/or
- causes her to feel afraid.
Emotional abuse almost always involves verbal abuse. Verbal abuse is the vehicle, or the method of delivery, of emotional abuse. It can be paired with physical and sexual abuse, but emotional abuse can stand alone.
The following checklist has been developed over the course of 45 years. While the check list is extensive, it is not exhaustive. Batterers continue to be creative in ways in which they can be abusive/violent to their intimate partners. All of the behaviors on this checklist are real examples of abuse/violence taken from actual police reports, child protective service reports and/or the mouths of batterers and/or his victims.
Criticism
- called her names
- mocked her
- put her down
- ridiculed her
- made accusations against her
- criticized her friends
- criticized the way she does things
- criticized the way she looks
- criticized her intelligence
Economic Abuse
- abused alcohol or other drugs
- withheld money and/or financial support
- made her account for all of her spending
- took money from her wallet without permission
- overspent on himself
- used the legal system against her
- gave her an allowance
- didn’t consult her about his spending
- gambled
- had her lie to creditors for him
- had her lie to creditors because of him
- didn’t pay the rent but bought things for himself
Emotional Withholding
- sulked
- ignored her
- withheld information from her
- did not give her attention
- withheld affection
- withheld compliments
- didn’t respect her feelings
- interrupted her
- changed subjects
- did not respond when she wanted to talk with him
- did not give her validation
- didn’t follow through on an agreement with her
- didn’t do his share
- was reckless
- didn’t ask for help when he needed it
- didn’t take care of himself
- lied to her
- withheld emotional support
- didn’t respect her opinions
- didn’t respect her rights
- didn’t show his feelings other than anger
- didn’t respect her privacy
- didn’t accept her emotions
- was inconsistent with the amount and/or quality of his attention
- had frequent mood swings
- insulted her
- “made deals” with her (I’ll stop drinking if you …..)
Gaslighting
- rationalized his behavior
- denied his abuse
- told her she was crazy
- blamed her for his abuse
- blamed her for his shortcomings
- accused her of abusing him
- used a mental health diagnosis against her
- used her alcohol or drug use to blame her for his abuse
- took money from her, and then asked where the money went
- turned his family against her
- turned mutual friends against her
- controlled her medication
Harassment
- made uninvited visits
- followed her around
- checked up on her
- embarrassed her in public
- did not leave when she has asked him to
- called her and then hung up when she answered
- went places he knew she would be
- “snooped” through her wallet, cell phone or computer
- had other people check up on her
- repeatedly drove by her home or work
- verbally raged
- degraded her
- forced her to drop criminal charges
- made her account for her daily activities
- forced her to gain/lose weight
- manipulated logic to his
- used guilt or accusations
- publicly humiliated her
- blackmailed her
- interrogated her
- monitored her behavior
- demonstrated Dr. Jekyll / Mr. Hyde
- made her feel guilty
- cyberstalked her
- attacked her self-esteem
- made sexist comments to her
- made sexist comments about her to others
- made racist comments to her
- made racist comments about her to others
- made jealous comments
- told her what she could and could not do
- accused her of cheating
Intimidation
- used sarcasm at her
- claimed to be “the authority”
- swore at her
- used his size to intimidate her
- claimed to know “the truth”
- shouted over her
- rushed her to make decisions
- bothered her at work
- badgered her
- controlled what she reads, watches and listens to
Isolation
- denied her access to telephone (won’t get one, ran up the bill)
- denied her access to the mail (P.O. Box, he opened all mail)
- damaged or destroyed the telephone
- left the gas tank on empty
- disabled her car
- denied her access to money for the bus or train
- prevented or made it difficult for her to go to school
- prevented or made it difficult for her to get a job
- prevented or made it difficult for her to spend time with her family
- prevented or made it difficult for her to spend time with her friends
- prevented or made it difficult for her to spend time with her co-workers outside of work
- stayed out late
- did not tell her his plans
Threats
- threatened to kill her, her children, pets, family, friends, co-workers or neighbors
- threatened to use a weapon against her, her children, pets, family, friends, co-workers or neighbors
- threatened her, her children, family, friends or co-workers or neighbors with weapons
- threatened to commit suicide
- threatened to buy a weapon to use against her
- threatened to report her to child protective services for abuse or neglect of her children
- threatened to call the police and have her arrested for abuse
- threatened to have her or her family deported
- threatened to abuse pets
- threatened to physically harm neighbors
- used angry and/or threatening gestures
- used angry and/or threatening expressions with his face
Used Children
- threatened to sue for custody
- threatened to not return the children after visitation
- manipulated the children against her
- damaged or destroyed children’s possessions
- criticized her to the children
- undermined her authority with the children
- manipulated the children to “take sides”
- used visitation arrangements as excuse to check up on her
- criticized her parenting skills
- asked a child “to spy” on her
- didn’t help with the children when she wanted to go out
- withheld help on child care or housework
- criticized a new partner to the children
- made a report of child abuse against her to DHHS
- denied paternity
- withheld child support or visitation
Summary
Men are abusive because they can, physically and emotionally and because their abuse gets them what they want in the least amount of time with the least amount of effort.
Emotional abuse can sometime leave wounds deeper and longer lasting than any physical abuse. Repeatedly assaulting a victim’s self-esteem and self-worth can eventually result in her believing the horrible things he has said.
Trigger Warning: Again, if you are the victim of domestic abuse/violence and have found something in this blog to be triggering, someone is available 24/7 to speak with you. You are not alone. If it is safe to do so, please contact:
- Domestic abuse/violence: National Domestic Violence Hotline at 800-799-7233
- Sexual abuse/assault: National Sexual Assault Hotline at 800-656-4673
- Human trafficking: National Human Trafficking Hotline at 888-373-7888
For more information
If you would like to read other blogs or an article I have written on domestic abuse, please refer to:
- Domestic Abuse Is An Important Community Issue
- Reasons Why Victims of Domestic Abuse Stay
- The Ability of Domestic Abusers (Batterers) To Become Non-Abusive
- Batterer Excuses
- Paper Dolls
- Definition of Domestic Abuse
- Domestic Abuse if not an Anger Management Problem
- AIM vs. BIP
With warmest regards,
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