10 Attitudes That Prevent Listening –
This is the second of a five-part series on relationships. The series follows a fictional couple, Megan and Justin, as they assess their relationship. Will they continue to “exist” by living in day-to-day survival mode? Or will they put effort into rejuvenating their relationship? Or will they just decide to walk away?
In psychology, attitude is defined as a set of emotions, beliefs, and behaviors toward a particular object, person, thing, or event. Your attitude can have a powerful influence on your behavior. VeryWellMind.com – Attitudes and Behavior in Psychology
This blog is focused on attitudes in relationships that may prevent you from listening to others.
Example: Megan and Justin have been married for about 7 years and are starting to experience some difficulties in their relationship (Please see my blog: Marriage – The Truth About Stressful Critical Cycles). They have started to emotionally withdraw from each other, talking more to friends and family than to each other. In addition, they have both started to tune out the other person, not listening to the other person’s words nor the meaning behind the words. Their relationship is in trouble.
Attitudes that Prevent Listening to Others
The following 10-item list is based on David Burns’ book, The Feeling Good Handbook. Burns, David D. (1989).
- Truth
You take the position that you are right and the other person is wrong. You become preoccupied with proving your point of view. You feel you do not need to express yourself or listen because you know “the truth”.
Example: Megan has gotten it into her mind that she has done everything she can to make the relationship successful. As a result, she has stopped listening to Justin discuss what he is doing to do to make things better between them.
- Blame
You believe that the problem is the other person’s fault. You feel you have not contributed to “the problem”, and that it is entirely the other person’s fault.
Example: Megan believes Justin is to blame for their relationship problems. If he didn’t spend so much time with his friends golfing, if he did an equal share of housework, if he took care of the kids more, everything would be okay.
- Need to Be a Victim
You feel sorry for yourself and think that other people are treating you unfairly because they are insensitive and selfish. You feel like a martyr.
Example: Megan feels Justin has become selfish. She has begun using the phrase, “Look at all I do for you!” when she and Justin get into arguments about their relationship.
- Self-Deception
You contribute to a relationship problem by having a “blind spot” that prevents you from being aware of how your behavior affects others. You cannot imagine that you might be contributing to the problem.
Example: Megan no longer sees how her negativity contributes to their relationship problems. She has stopped listening to Justin, and by doing so she can’t see how disrespected Justin feels.
- Defensiveness
You are so fearful of criticism that you cannot listen when someone shares anything negative or unacceptable about you. Instead of listening and evaluating the perceptions of someone else, you prefer to defend yourself.
Example: Megan becomes defensive any time she perceives Justin is criticizing her. And because she feels all he does is criticize, she has stopped listening to what he has to say.
- Coercion Sensitivity
You are uncomfortable with being supervised or given task-related instructions. You are afraid of giving in or being bossed around.
Example: Both Justin and Megan have have stopped listening to each other. Justin feels like he can’t do anything right, from changing a diaper to putting the dishes in the dishwasher “the right way”. He doesn’t want to be “bossed around”, so he pretends he just doesn’t hear her when she is talking.
- Being Demanding
You feel entitled to better treatment from others, and you get frustrated when someone does not treat you in a manner that is consistent with your entitlement. There is an insistence that the other person is being unreasonable and should not behave the way they do.
Example: Justin feels he is entitled to “better behavior” from Megan because he is a better father and husband than his father was, and he does more around the house than most of his male friends. He has become short-tempered with Megan.
- Selfishness
You want what you want when you want it, and you become confrontational or defiant when you do not get it. The absence of an interest in what others are thinking and feeling is a barrier to listening.
Example: Justin is tired of listening to what Megan says he is doing wrong. He thinks it is unfair of her to try and control his “free time”. So instead of telling her what he is doing, he avoids talking to her.
- Mistrust
The position of mistrust includes a fundamental belief that others will manipulate you or take advantage of you if you listen to them. This prevents you from listening to others.
Example: Justin now mistrusts Megan. He feels he will be manipulated into doing what she wants, when she wants it, in the way she wants it. He also mistrusts himself. He feels if he listens to her, he may end up giving in.
- Help Addiction
You feel the need to give people advice when they only want someone to listen to them. You want to “fix” things for others.
Example: Justin has many discussions with Megan that includes the phrase, “If you would only listen to me about…..” Justin wants to give Megan advice on what he feels the problem is as opposed to listening to what she has to say.
Effect on Relationships of Not Listening to Others
For relationships to be successful, both people need to feel trusted and respected. When one person in a relationship starts to shut down, hold back feelings, or starts to feel entitled to better treatment, the relationship is headed for decline.
The third blog on this five part relationship series is titled 5 Red Flags The Make Your Relationship Vulnerable
Quotes
“The most basic of all human needs is the need to understand and be understood. The best way to understand people is to listen to them.”
Ralph Nichols (1910-2001)
“Man’s inability to communicate is a result of his failure to listen effectively.”
Carl Rogers (1902-1987)
“Courage is what it takes to stand up and speak; courage is also what it takes to sit down and listen.”
Winston Churchill (1874-1965)
All of the above quotes are from the link: LeadershipNow.com – Listening Quotes/Leading Thoughts
With warmest regards,
To be notified of new posts like 10 Attitudes That Turn People Off To Listening, please enter your email address and click on the Subscribe button.
