Red Flags In Relationships –
This is the third part of a five-part series on relationships. The series follows a fictional couple, Megan and Justin, as they assess their relationship. Will they continue to “exist” by living in day-to-day survival mode? Or will they put effort into rejuvenating their relationship? Or will they just decide to walk away?
To lead a content, fulfilled and successful life you do not necessarily need to be in an intimate relationship. However, most people prefer to live their lives as one part of a couple. For those individuals, there will be emotional work that needs to be done to balance a sense of self and the unselfishness required for coupling.
Example: Megan and Justin have been married for about 7 years and are starting to experience some difficulties in their relationship. (Check out my blog: Marriage – The Truth About 4 Stressful Critical Cycles) They have started to emotionally withdraw from each other, talking more to friends and family than to each other. In addition, they have both started to tune out the other person, not listening to the other person’s words nor the meaning behind the words. Their relationship is in trouble.
The following are five red flags to alert you that your relationship may be in trouble:
- Conflict
In some relationships conflict is constant and unrelenting. If your significant other can’t even floss their teeth without you feeling annoyed, then something is definitely not right!
Constant anger and negativity can be signs of deep-rooted issues between you and your significant other. If you are unable to talk to your partner about anything without having an argument, then it is probably a red flag to move along.
If you can’t actually reach any resolution in areas of conflict, and neither of you are willing or able to change your point of view, then maybe there’s little point in continuing with the relationship. Constant bickering can destroy a relationship. Pride.com – 11 Clear Signs It’s Time for Your Relationship To Be Over
Justin and Megan
When they were first dating, Justin and Megan would on occasion disagree. They would laugh and say, “We bicker like an old married couple.” After 7 years of marriage, the bickering occurs almost daily. It can be almost anything now, from personal hygiene to household chores. Neither one of them finds their bickering “cute” or amusing anymore.
- Apathy
While constant conflict is not good in a relationship, never having conflict with your significant other can be just as bad! It may be a red flag of serious problems. It is an indication you have become so exhausted by fighting that you don’t even feel the relationship is worth trying to work things out! You just don’t care.
Also, if you or your significant other shows no interest in intimacy, your relationship may be in serious trouble. It signals that you (or your significant other) are no longer looking to each other for pleasure. If you are living together but not touching affectionately or saying loving things or focusing on making the other person happy, then the relationship has basically become an empty shell.
Justin and Megan
Last week Megan was promoted to district manager, a job she has been working hard to achieve. She quickly sent off a text to a couple of friends and her sister. It wasn’t until her sister was over visiting and asked Justin if he was proud of his wife did Justin learn of the promotion. Megan wasn’t being secretive; it just hadn’t occurred to her to share the news with Justin. This is apathy.
- Lack of Trust
If you are even thinking about going through your significant other’s cell phone or computer history with or without their knowledge and/or permission, this is a huge red flag. The relationship is on very shaky ground.
Trust is the foundation of a committed relationship. Demonstrating a lack of trust hollows the relationship from the inside out. Perhaps some of the problems in the relationship arose from a circumstance like infidelity or lying. Should that be the case, those things can be repaired if both of you are willing to do the work. If you are unable to forgive and rebuild that trust, the relationship will be incredibly difficult to sustain. MindBodyGreen.com – 20 Signs Your Relationship Might Be Over
Justin and Megan
Primarily to avoid an argument or having to explain himself, Justin has fallen into a pattern of telling “white lies”. For example, when he is running late at work and wants to avoid an argument about working so much, he will call from work and say he is in the car on the way home. Then when he gets home he will tell another “white lie” saying the traffic was horrible and that is why he was late.
Megan has started calling him out on his white lies. She wonders what else he may not be telling the truth about.
- Avoidance
If you dread spending time with your partner to the point where you would rather be around almost anyone else (family, friends, co-workers, neighbors, etc.), it is a red flag. There is nothing wrong with spending time alone or with family or friends. It is the part about NOT wanting to spend time with your significant other that is the problem. This is probably a sign you have already begun to let the relationship go.
No longer making future plans with your significant other indicates that at least in your mind you have begun to end the relationship.
Justin and Megan
Megan and Justin had talked for years about taking a trip to visit San Francisco! In her new job, Megan will be traveling to San Francisco for training. Her employer is fine with Justin joining her. They would just need to pay for his airline ticket and his food. Megan knew her parents would be more than willing to watch the kids and she knew Justin had plenty of vacation time accrued.
But Megan never mentioned going to San Francisco to Justin. She just told him she had a business trip.
- Conflicting Goals
When one or both of you realize you want different nonnegotiable things in a relationship, it is a red flag. Maybe one of you wants kids and the other doesn’t, or one of you is religious and the other isn’t. Every relationship has a process of compromise, negotiation and assimilation of your partner’s values into your life, but sometimes values are too distinct and different to ever be reconciled.
While it isn’t necessarily a deal breaker to have different hobbies than your significant other, if you disagree on the fundamentals, it could be a clear sign you are not right for each other. Independent.co.uk – ‘LIFE’S TOO SHORT’: 8 SIGNS IT’S TIME TO END A RELATIONSHIP
Justin and Megan
At the beginning of their relationship they would talk about growing old together. Then somewhere along the way, instead of talking about what they would do when they retired, they started talking about, “everything will be okay when….” Everything would be okay when they started their careers, when they bought a house, when they had children, when the children were out of the house.
Each time they achieved what they thought would make them “happy” and they could relax and enjoy life together, they would “move the goal post”.
Summary
Clearly Justin and Megan have some issues they need to work on if the relationship is to survive. Recognizing red flags is a huge step toward addressing problems in the relationship. If one or both people have their heads in the sand, it is difficult to address problems in the relationship.
The fourth blog on this five part relationship series is titled Green Flags: A Good Sign That Your Relationship Is Strong
Quotes on Red Flags
“If something on the inside is telling you that someone isn’t right for you, they’re NOT right for you, no matter how great they might look on paper. When it’s right for you, you will know. And when it’s not – it’s time to go.”
GoodReads.com – Mandy Hale, author The Single Woman: Life, Love, and a Dash of Sass
“If you ignore the red flags, embrace the heartache to come.”
GoodReads.com – Amanda Mosher, author Better to be able to love than to be loveable
“It’s rare for a toxic person to change their behavior. More often, the only thing that varies is their target and the blame they place. Because some toxic people are difficult to identify, keep in mind that a victim mindset is sometimes a red flag. So, listen when someone talks about their life and circumstances. If the list of people they blame is long… it’s probably only a matter of time before you’re on that list.”
GoodReads.com – Steve Maraboli: Red Flag Quotes
With warmest regards,
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