“I’ll Try” Defined
In the picture above, do you think the wild rose in the ledge at Acadia National Park “tried” to grow in the ledge? Or did it just grow? There is a two-word sentence in the English language that should be banished: “I’ll try.” When you say ”I’ll try”, what you are really saying is that you have no realistic expectation of success. If you expected to be successful, you would have developed a plan and implemented it.
Saying “I’ll try” is really a lie you tell someone else to make them feel better. Or to get someone else to leave you alone and stop “harassing” you.
Or maybe it is a game you play with yourself. A lie you tell yourself to make you feel better.
A Defense Mechanism
To say “I’ll try” is a defense mechanism. It is something you might say to protect yourself from emotional harm. “I’m going to try to _________.” buys you some time before you have to do whatever it was you said you were going to do. For example, you tell your partner, “I’ll try to stop smoking cigarettes”. If you had any real intention of stopping your cigarette use, you would just do it.
Saying “I am going to ________ (fill in the blank)” is very similar to “I’ll try.” You are making a prediction, without a plan. If your plan was to cut back on the number of hours you are scrolling on your phone, you would develop a plan. You would set a date in the near future. And there would be action. You wouldn’t keep talking about it, you would just do it.
Granted, it is important to have the intention of doing something. Having the intention means you have given a concept some thought as to the importance of doing something. Perhaps you are spending less time than you would like with your partner and/or your children because you are scrolling on your cell phone or chatting with “friends” on social media.
The problem with saying “I am going to ________ ” or “I’ll try to ” ________ is that there is more emphasis put on the prediction than the reality. Without an intent there could be no action.
The Illusion of Work
The illusion of work is giving the illusion of action. It is the “busy work” associated with accomplishing a goal. It makes others, and maybe even you, think you are moving toward a goal. Examples of the illusion of work would be:
- Reading diet books
- Talking with a nutritionist
- Buying new sneakers for walking
Notice how these are all actions: reading, talking and buying. But none are accomplishments. Is it important for someone to do preparation work, for example, reading books on how to do something? Of course. But these can also be the illusions of work for others and for yourself. If someone challenges you and asks how you are coming on your losing weight plans, your answer can be about your actions, but nothing about losing one pound. It is all an illusion.
Identifying Goals
What is the opposite of the illusion of work? Planning and implementing goals. When you are thinking about setting a goal, it usually falls into one of the following categories:
• Employment
• Finances
• Health (physical and/or emotional)
• Relationships (family of origin or family of creation)
• Sleep
Accomplishing your Goals
Making changes in life can be very difficult. This difficulty is why you can delude yourselves by saying “I’ll try” or “I’m going to ________”. Setting goals (planning), and implementing these goals takes courage. It will require you to look honestly at yourself and your actions. Not always the easier things to do!
Identifying your long-term goal, your short-term goal for this week, any benefits and obstacles you may encounter and the people who will support you can be the first steps to eliminating those two ugly phrases from your vocabulary.
Example One:
My long-term goal is: I will lose 20 pounds.
A short-term goal I can do this week to achieve my long-term goal is: I will give away any candy, cookies and crackers in the pantry.
Benefits to achieving my short-term goals are: If these items aren’t around, I won’t eat them!
Obstacles to achieving my short-term goals are: Thinking because I just spent $10 on three packages of double stuff Oreos, I shouldn’t just give them away or throw them away.
People who can help me achieve my short-term goals are: My co-workers who would love 3 packages of Oreos!
Example Two:
My long-term goal is: I will stop smoking cigarettes for good!
A short-term goal I can do this week to achieve my long-term goal is: I will talk with my doctor about medication that might help me stop smoking.
Benefits to achieving my short-term goals are: I have quit many times, but it has never lasted more than a couple of days.
Obstacles to achieving my short-term goals are: My mindset that I have failed so many times. “Everyone” I spend time with (partner, family, friends, co-workers) all smoke.
People who can help me achieve my short-term goals are: My doctor, my non-smoking family, friends and co-workers.
Read my recent blog on 10 Proven Ways to Boost Your Self-Esteem
Take Away Point
Stop saying “I’ll try” or “I am going to ________”. Stop pretending you are going to do something when you have no intention of putting in the effort. If you have no realistic expectation of success, admit it. The illusion of work is not healthy for you nor is it healthy for the others you are lying to. Develop a plan and implement it. Stop giving yourself an excuse for not accomplishing your goals. Be like Yoda in the movie, The Empire Strikes Back: “Do or do not, there is no try”.
StarWars.com – 10 Best Yoda Quotes
With warmest regards,
Thank you so much for reading this blog. If you enjoyed the content, please check out other blogs at:
www.relationshipsrelearned.com
www.rvingnomads.com
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