Scenario: You found out your significant other has been cheating with a co-worker. You immediately separate. Your significant other has apologized
Your significant other says they will do “anything” to make it better. Anything? Anything! But would they?
What you probably have not heard for advice is that if you decide to give your significant other “another chance”, you should also have Rules of Return in place.
What are Rules of Return?
Rules of Return is an agreement between two people when there has been a breach of trust. If you are the betrayed person, promises of better behavior by the person who breached trust probably are not sufficient. Promises without actions are “just words”.
And what is “better behavior” anyway?
If you are the person who has been cheated on, your list of what is important to you is going to be whatever it will take for you to feel safe enough to trust again. While this is not an exhaustive list, the following are examples of actions you may request of your significant other:
- Ending the relationship with the co-worker, including their “just being friends”
- Having your significant other give you the passwords to their cell phone and/or computer
- Allowing you to randomly go through their cell phone or computer history
- Eliminate drinking alcohol
- Changing jobs to be away from the coworker
- No overtime with the coworker
- Individual counseling
- Couples counseling
Why Should you Have Rules of Return?
When there has been a breach of trust, it can take a long time to recover. Sadly, there may never be a recovery. Developing Rules of Return requires you to think about what is important and if there can be a path for the relationship to improve.
If you can’t identify what to include in your Rules of Return, you may not be ready to give the other person “another chance”. Or for you, it may be “too soon” to begin to work toward healing.
When there are Rules of Return, you are also developing a time line. For example, one of your Rules of Return might include your desire for your significant other to immediately stop texting and/or emailing the person they had an affair with. If they refuse, or fail to do so, you have your answer about what they are willing to do to improve the relationship.
When Should there be Rules of Return?
Rules of Return should be developed whenever there has been a relationship separation and/or a breach in the relationship.
Another component of the “when” involves timelines or deadlines for actions to begin or be completed by. For example, as part of your Rules of Return, you may request that within 2 days your significant other deletes all contact information of the person they had the affair with. Or within a week you request your significant other “unfriends” the other person on social media.
These timelines can be used to determine if there is progress in your significant other demonstrating their renewed trustworthiness.
Who Should Have Rules of Return?
Both people in the couple should develop their own list of Rules of Return, even if you were the person who had the affair. Sound unusual? Yes.
While an affair is never justified, it was not a random event, nor did it “just happen”, no matter what is said to you. There was a reason. If nothing changes, for either of you, then nothing changes. Meaning whatever the catalyst was for the affair, if there is nothing that changes between the two of you, then an affair is likely to occur again.
The person who had the affair should also develop their own Rules of Return. These rules are what you need for the revised relationship to be healthy. Examples might include:
- Individual counseling
- Couples counseling
- Having a date night once a week
- Finding a shared hobby
- Sending texts saying “I am thinking about you”
Examples of Rules of Return
Rules of Return are a set of guidelines for a couple when there has been an emotional and/or physical separation and both parties are considering returning to their relationship.
Both individuals should independently identify what is important to them to be able to recommit to the relationship.
No affair stays confidential. Ever.
Both the person who cheats, and the person who is cheated on, will talk with family and friends. For example, Thomas and Melissa were married. Thomas had an affair. To rationalize why he had an affair, he told all of their friends he had an affair because Melissa had stopped paying attention to him.
If it is important for Melissa to have Thomas take responsibility for having an affair, it may be one of her requirements in her Rules for Return. If this is important to Melissa and Thomas refuses, is it a deal breaker for her? Is this a reason to not give Thomas a “second chance”?
And what happens if Thomas continually delays, giving multiple excuses of why he has not confessed. At what point does his reluctance or hesitation tell Melissa he is not 100% taking responsibility for having his affair?
While each Rules of Return document will be individualized, one might look something like this:
| Timeline | Activity | |
| 1. | 1 day (insert date here) | Delete other person from all social media |
| 2. | 1 day (date here) | Provide passwords to cellphone, computer and all social media |
| 3. | 7 days (date here) | Confess to family and friends of the affair |
| 4. | 7 days (date here) | Contact a therapist to begin therapy |
| 5. | 14 days (date here) | Start individual therapy |
Take Away Point
Relationships that have experienced infidelity can be challenged in unique ways. Rebuilding trust after a breach takes commitment, dedication and a great deal of effort. Developing Rules of Return and then using them as a guideline to determine if there has been enough effort can be a helpful factor in demonstrating if the relationship can be salvaged.
With warmest regards,
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