What are “idle chatter and rumors”? It is what gossip was called in the 1700s! While we now associate the word gossip as being negative, it certainly wasn’t always that way. In the early 1500s, gossip was used to define a positive bonding experience when women gathered to support in the birth of a baby. 12 Weird Gossip Synonyms And Their Origins, published November 27, 2017. How times have changed!
By definition, gossip:
- contains a moral judgement
- is the transmission of information
- is talking about someone who isn’t present
- is talking about someone who doesn’t know they are being discussed
- is frequently used for entertainment or self-promotion
Sadly, the pendulum has swung in the completely opposite direction, far from the positive experience of women gathering to provide emotional and physical support and friendship during the birth of a baby. Today, gossip on social media has destroyed relationships, friendships and families. In the workplace, gossip has morphed into an attack, punishable by job loss.
Gossip, Rumors & Idle Chatter
Gossip, rumors and idle chatter have similar definitions, but in fact there are some subtle differences.
Gossip is about an individual and his/her actions. For example, “Did you hear Alexander is having an affair?”. Gossip will be about someone’s sexual behavior, for example, “Deanna slept her way to her new job”. Gossip will always be personal, for example, “Wow, Jon really put on some weight during covid” or “Jessica wouldn’t have gotten that promotion without her new boob job.” The sole purpose of gossip is to spread information about someone who is not present to defend themselves.
A rumor is typically about a situation, not a person. It is a piece of shared unverified information. For example, “I hear we are not getting a raise this year.” or “I read somewhere that the land on the corner of Davis and Ohio Streets has been sold and it is going to be made into senior housing.”
Idle chatter is conversation. It can be as simple as exchanged words to pass the time. It can be about any topic and may not even be about a particular person. For example, idle chatter might be about the weather, “It sure has been unseasonably rainy!”, the economy, “I can’t believe how much gas prices have increased in the last two years!” or holiday celebrations, “When do you put up your holiday decorations?”
Managing Gossip
If you are the recipient of gossip and you find out about it, you have many choices. You could have a bout of “verbal vomiting” and spew hateful words yourself. However, this may give credibility to the gossip! Or you could ignore the gossip and act as if the gossip had never happened.
A good thought to keep in mind is, who is doing the gossiping? Who is spreading the rumors? See my blog on Surprising Influence That People Have On You. If the person spreading the gossip about you is someone who has always been your nemesis (a red traffic light person), nothing you say will change the situation If the person spreading gossip has always been a huge supporter of you (green traffic light person), but is suddenly your nemesis, what happened?
If you decide to confront someone who is gossiping about you, when should you address the situation? As quickly as possible. Stay calm. Be brief. The problem with confronting someone is that you take the risk of bringing credibility to a situation you would rather not address. Perhaps you have heard the line from William Shakespeare’s Hamlet, “The lady doth protest too much, methinks.” Meaning, if you make too much of a big deal, someone will think you are guilty!
An individual who is the target of rumors or gossip may choose to seek help from parents, peers, siblings and/or friends. If the gossip is occurring at school and is affecting your ability to pay attention at school, a teacher or coach may be helpful. If the gossip occurs at work and causing a toxic work environment, check in with someone in your human resources department. A clinical social worker may be able to help you learn skills to increase your confidence and self-esteem.
Why People Gossip
People spread gossip for a variety of reasons. The gossip always comes from a place of emotional imbalance, for example, “I feel I am better than you” or “I feel I am less than you”. Gossiping is a way to even the score.
Inward
Almost all of these reasons come from a place of inadequacy on the part of the person who is gossiping. There can be a real attempt to make yourself feel better or to be accepted by others. Spreading gossip can be a way of feeling better about yourself, “At least I have a faithful partner” or “So and so has put on a lot of weight, and I haven’t”. It is about the gossiper knowing some things someone else doesn’t know. It provides some “street cred”, of being the “cool kid”.
Outward
Almost all of these reasons come from a place of wanting to tear someone else down. It can be a form of relational aggression. The purpose of gossiping is to get revenge or to increase one’s own social standing, of climbing a social status ladder. Gossiping or spreading a rumor is done so with the intention of hurting or “getting back at” someone else.
People spread gossip for a variety of reasons. Gossiping is a way to even the score.
Inward
Almost all of these reasons come from a place of inadequacy on the part of the person who is gossiping. You feel “less than”. There can be a real attempt to make yourself feel better or to be accepted by others. Spreading gossip can be a way of feeling better about yourself, “At least I have a faithful partner” or “So and so has put on a lot of weight, and I haven’t”. It is about the gossiper knowing some things someone else doesn’t know. It provides some “street cred”, of being the “cool kid”.
Outward
Almost all of these reasons come from a place of wanting to tear someone else down. It can be a form of relational aggression. The purpose of gossiping is to get revenge or to increase one’s own social standing, of climbing a social status ladder. Gossiping or spreading rumors is done so with the intention of hurting or “getting back at” someone else.
The Dangerous Effect of Gossip
The effect of gossip can be devastating, both at work and personally.
At Home
Anxiety and depression are commonly present for both the people who spread gossip and the victims of the gossiping. Hurt feelings and reputations can erode trust and morale. People have taken their own lives as the result of being the target of gossip. If an individual feels like there is nothing they can do to refute gossip, they may perceive their only choice is suicide.
At the Workplace
Gossip at work always leads to lost productivity and wasted time. People who are gossiping take time away from work, and then people who are trying to manage the effects of gossiping take time to manage their emotions. And then there are always the people who take sides and time is spent trying to get one group to believe or refute the gossip.
Gossiping can lead to good employees leaving. If an employee feels unheard about gossip at work, they will find a place that they perceive to be less toxic. There can be increased anxiety among employees as rumors circulate without clear information as to what is and isn’t fact.
Take Away Point
The sad reality is that there will probably always be people who spread rumors and people to gossip about others. However, it is important to understand there is a significant difference between idle chatter, rumor and malicious gossiping.
With warmest regards,
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