Definition of a Paradigm Shift: An important change that happens when the usual way of thinking about or doing something is replaced by a new and different way.
From Merriam-Webster Dictionary
A Paradigm Shift
If you look at an 8 oz. glass with 4 oz. of water, what do you see? Many people would see the glass as half empty. Those people would be considered pessimists. Other people would see the glass as half full. These people are the optimists. A paradigm shift occurs when a pessimist looks at an event differently, through the eyes of an optimist.
Activity:
Lift up your right hand. Look at the back of your hand. Now flip your hand over and look at the palm of your hand. You have just created your own visual for the Paradigm Shift: you have looked at your hand from one side (one perspective), and then looked at your hand from the opposite side (the opposite perspective).
Visualize this activity when you are in need of a paradigm shift!
Under the best of circumstances healthy relationships require constant attention and nurturing. If you enter a pessimistic cycle about life events, it is likely you will also be pessimistic in your relationships. Using the technique of the Paradigm Shift allows the opportunity of looking at events differently and having the healthy relationships you seek.
“Events” or “situations” happen thousands of times per day. Based on your thoughts, you have feelings. Based on your feelings you follow through with a behavior. The following is a visual of the Paradigm Shift:
To set the Paradigm Shift in motion, you only have to ask yourself one question: “How can I think about the event differently?”
An Event Occurs
Event Definition
An event occurs when something happens that catches our attention. It can be very small and inconsequential, for example, someone rolls their eyes at you. Or it can be more significant, for example, a car accident. Both are events.
Every minute of your waking day events are occurring all around you. Most events are so inconsequential they pass without notice: a dog barks, a child throws their book bag on the couch, someone burns the toast and the smoke alarm goes off, a co-worker chews and snaps their chewing gum. All are fairly insignificant. All are events.
Then there are the events that have great significance. You are driving in the driving lane on the interstate when a car barrels up the on ramp, never yielding, almost hitting your car. That is an event! Your spouse comes home from work one day and says, “I want a divorce!” That is an event!
Most events will fall somewhere in the middle between the inconsequential events and the great significance events. What is important to understand is that the process of the Paradigm Shift is the same for the smoke alarm going off and your spouse asking for a divorce. Based on the event you will have thoughts. Based on your thoughts you will have feelings. Based on your feelings you will have a behavior.
The event doesn’t change, the process doesn’t change. The only thing that changes are your thoughts. Once an event occurs, the event cannot be changed. What can be changed are your thoughts concerning the event.
Your Thoughts are Based on the Event
When an event occurs and it has risen to the level of importance to address, one of the following will occur:
1. You have positive or neutral thoughts of the event.
2. You have negative thoughts of the event.
3. You start to go down the negative thoughts path. You stop. You visual the Paradigm Shift activity of looking at the palm of your hand. You then ask yourself the Paradigm Shift question: “How can I think about the event differently?”
Thoughts Example:
The event: Cheryl asks Phil, “Just once do you think you could hang up your wet towel after taking a shower?”
Phil will have one of the following three responses to the event (Cheryl’s question):
1. Phil has positive thoughts of the event.
Phil thinks, “Cheryl is right. Leaving the wet towel on the floor just makes more laundry.”
2. Phil has negative thoughts of the event.
Phil thinks, “Cheryl is making a big deal about nothing. I don’t know why I have to be nagged about this all the time!”
3. Phil starts to go down the negative thoughts path but stops the negative thought. He asks himself, “How can I think about the event differently?” He thinks, ”This isn’t important to me. But it is important to Cheryl. I need to remember to pick up my wet bath towel after my shower.”
In this example, the event (Cheryl asking Phil to pick up his wet bath towel) will not change. What will change are the variations of Phil’s responses: positive, negative or the Paradigm Shift. The Paradigm Shift will be the relationship enhancing decision.
Thoughts will occur immediately after an event. It might not even take a nanosecond to have these thoughts. However once the thought occurs, there are two options:
• Following through with your immediate positive or negative thoughts or
• Using the Paradigm Shift.
Based on our thoughts of an event, there are always resulting feelings.
Your Feelings are Based on Your Thoughts
An important point about feelings is that they should never be considered positive or negative, only “pleasant” or “unpleasant” based on their physiological impact. To understand the physiological impact of feelings, recite out loud the following feeling words: happy, giddy, excited, anticipation, passion. Physiologically do you feel “light” or “good”? Recite out loud the following feeling words: anger, rage, disappointment, embarrassment, guilt. Physiologically do you still feel “light” or “good”? Probably not. This is the physiological effect of feelings.
Feelings Example:
The event: Cheryl asks Phil, “Just once do you think you could hang up your wet towel after taking a shower?”
Based on Phil’s thoughts, he experiences feelings:
1. Phil has positive thoughts.
Based on his positive thoughts he feels: apologetic and committed.
2. Phil has negative thoughts.
Based on his negative thoughts he feels: annoyed and bitter.
3. Phil does the Paradigm Shift.
Based on his use of the Paradigm Shift he feels: compassionate and empathetic.
When Phil’s thoughts are positive, his feelings are pleasant. When Phil’s thoughts are negative, his feelings are unpleasant. The only difference between his positive and negative feelings is the difference in his thoughts. While thoughts might be almost instantaneous after an event, the Paradigm Shift can always come into play. As difficult as it may seem, you always have the option of changing your thoughts: “How can I think about the event differently?”
It is at this point of experiencing unpleasant feelings that you have one last chance to do the Paradigm Shift before going into the destructive behavioral mode. It is the last chance to say, “The event isn’t worth the trouble to me of destructive behavior”. You can stop at the unpleasant feelings. It is your choice to stop or to continue on to destructive behavior.
Your Behavior is Based on Your Feelings
Your behavior is based on your feelings. Pleasant feelings result in constructive behavior. Unpleasant feelings result in destructive behavior. When someone says, “I can’t control my behavior” or “I just lost it and punched a wall”, this simply is not true. It is an excuse for destructive behavior. Behavior is always based on feelings.
Behavior Example:
The event: Cheryl asks Phil, “Just once do you think you could hang up your wet towel after taking a shower?”
Based on Phil’s feelings, he has the following behavior:
1. Phil has positive thoughts and pleasant feelings.
He makes eye contact with Cheryl and says, “I’m sorry, I know it bothers you. I will do my best to remember to pick up my wet towels.”
2. Phil has negative thoughts and unpleasant feelings.
He glares at Cheryl and says, “I don’t care about the wet towel. If it is so important to you, pick it up yourself.”
3. Phil does the Paradigm Shift.
He turns to face Cheryl and says, “It is inconsiderate of me to leave a wet towel on the floor. I am sorry you have to keep reminding me. In the future I will pick up my wet towel.”
When Phil’s feelings are pleasant, his behavior is constructive. When Phil’s feelings are unpleasant, his behavior is destructive. Not relationship enhancing. The only difference between Phil’s destructive and constructive behavior are his feelings. Phil has control of his behavior because he has control of his feelings. While thoughts might be almost instantaneous after an event, the Paradigm Shift can always come into play. We always have the option of changing our thoughts and feelings.
Practice, Practice, Practice!
The whole process from an event to behavior can take a nanosecond. Sometimes people will deny thinking at all or having any feelings. They have just gone from something happening (the event) to their behavior. Not being aware the process exists doesn’t mean the process is not happening.
The only way to slow down the nanosecond process is to practice the Paradigm Shift. Because thousands of events happen each day, it should be easy to think of an event that resulted in a behavior that was “not your best moment”. Now that you have a new skill, try thinking about the event differently. This is the Paradigm Shift.
AI has not been used to create any content for or my website, articles, blogs or books. All material is original unless otherwise noted.
All photos and graphics within my website and blogs were taken or created by David Harrington or Kathryn Maietta.
Posted: 9/20
Revised: 6/24
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