There are just some people in life who are difficult to get along with. Maybe they are egotistical. Maybe they are stubborn. Maybe they are annoying. Maybe they are a burnt marshmallow with a tough exterior and an ooey, gooey interior (See People Can Be Like Burnt Marshmallows blog). Maybe they are want to hide their low self-esteem and they take out their frustration on others.
It really doesn’t matter why someone is difficult, they just are. If you must interact with someone who is difficult, you have choices on how to interact.
Choices in How to Interact with a Difficult Person
One option is that you could stoop to their level. You could be difficult, too. It might not get you anywhere, but it is always an option. It certainly isn’t good for you emotionally.
Second, you could not respond or react at all. The problem with this option is that it implies an agreement with the difficult person. You may not agree with them, you just want them to stop! It may mean you get to manage the difficult and bad behavior over and over and over again.
Third, you could physically flee. Physically you could just walk away. You could just remove yourself from the situation involving the difficult person.
Fourth, you could mentally flee. Physically your body is still present, but you are thinking about doing the laundry, who is going to pick the kids up after school and what the weather is going to be like this weekend. It is a form of gray rocking (See What Is The Term Gray Rocking Blog)
Fifth, or you could try the JADE approach. JADE stands for:
- Justify
- Argue
- Defend
- Explain
JADE
To understand the JADE technique further, use this example:
You have been working very hard at losing weight. You have put a lot of effort and energy into becoming more active and you are eating more healthy foods, for example, no sugary sweets. You feel great! You are at your grandmother’s house for Thanksgiving. She keeps pushing and pushing and pushing for you to eat her sugary pies.
Justify
Don’t. Do you ever feel you need to justify yourself when dealing with a difficult person? You don’t need to over explain; you don’t need to justify your decisions and choices.
When you attempt to justify your thoughts, feelings and behavior to a difficult person, it just gives the other person ammunition to challenge or criticize you. Just come up with a response and let it go.
Your “J” response: “Thank you, Grandma, but no, I do not want pie. I really appreciate all the effort you put into making them. They look great, and I am sure they taste great. But this year I am not having dessert.” Period. End of discussion.
Argue
Don’t. Why bother? Why argue with a difficult person? What do you hope to accomplish? Is it about forcing a win? Do you really think you are going to accomplish anything? Do you really think you are going to change a difficult person’s mind? All that is going to happen is that you will get into a back-and-forth argument. Express your perspective and then stop.
Your “A” response: “Grandma, I am sorry you feel offended that I am skipping pie this Thanksgiving. I don’t want you to feel upset, but this year it is not something that I feel is good for me to do.”
Defend
Don’t. Attempting to defend yourself is probably not going to change anyone else’s mind. If anything, defending yourself in an increasingly defensive manner is only going to make the situation worse. If you are able to be the “mature adult in the room”, you have a chance of keeping things calmer and more neutral. You may never change Grandma’s mind, but you can be proud of your calm response.
Your “D” response: “Grandma, it is important to my health to keep extra weight off. I really loved your turkey! I don’t know how you get it to be so moist and flavorful. Did you see I had two helpings of the turkey?”
Explain
Don’t. You do not have to explain why you are doing what you are doing. You can if you want to, but “No” is a full sentence. If you want to, you can certainly explain why you have made your decision. The trick will be in not crossing the line between an assertive response and going overboard defending yourself. Keeping a discussion going or over explaining gives room for the difficult person to keep pushing their agenda. If you must explain, keep it short and simple and focus only on the main points.
Your “E” response: “Grandma, I love your pies. I have eaten so many of your great pies I gained weight, to the point I am pre-diabetic. If I don’t want diabetes and have to take insulin like Grandpa, I have to keep the weight off. That means not having pie.”
As you are using JADE, be attentive to the other person’s reactions and willingness to listen. If it becomes obvious the other person is not listening or is not receptive, it will probably be best for you to disengage from the conversation. Some disagreements with difficult people are not winnable.
Relationships Relearned: Learn. Unlearn. Relearn
To be in a healthy, successful relationship, what you learned in childhood about relationships may need to be unlearned and relearned in a different way as an adult.
In childhood, you may have learned how to disagree with someone else. Maybe two people just kept arguing and escalating until one person stormed out of the room. Or maybe you saw someone just shut down. These are behavioral choices you learned in childhood.
The good news about behavior is that it is all learned. Any behavior that has been learned can be unlearned and relearned in a different way.
First you will need to recognize your contribution to a conversation with a difficult person. Then you will need to unlearn those reactions.
By using JADE, you can relearn other skills that are healthy for you in keeping your blood pressure calm.
Take Away
JADE is a simple technique that may be helpful in trying to having a conversation with someone who is difficult or toxic.
With warmest regards,
Thank you so much for reading this blog. If you enjoyed the content, please check out other blogs at:
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https://rvingnomads.com/blog/
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