Comments from Kathryn, the author of this blog and a licensed clinical social worker. The following is a brief excerpt from my book, Be Angry, But Not Aggressive: 7 Proven Skills for Managing Your Anger. As a licensed clinical social worker (LCSW), I wrote this book because I saw many clients in my therapy practice struggle with expressing their anger in a nonaggressive manner.
If you have ever been in a relationship, it is likely that when emotions were running high, you have had a heated exchange of words. Maybe you called it a disagreement, an argument, a dispute, or even a “fight”.
In a caring, supportive, non-abusive relationship the goal is always a win-win. How you arrive at that win-win will be based on your ability to “fight fair”, your willingness to follow “rules”. If you both are not working toward a win-win, someone will lose. Too many losses and the relationship will crumble.
In every competition, from football to Grand Theft Auto to Monopoly to Uno there are rules to provide consistency, predictability, safety and structure. These same four criteria are just as true when there is a conflict in a relationship.
Overt Reasons for Disagreements
There are not always obvious or overt reasons for disagreements. These reasons usually involve common everyday situations. Both individuals in a relationship will bring their own individualized beliefs and expectations. Optimally there is an open and honest discussion with a successful resolution. Or, there is an ongoing conflict with one person trying to impose their values and belief system on the other person.
Overt reasons for disagreements are fairly clear-cut. You are a spender or a saver. You are either a Republican or a Democrat. You have a cellphone lock code and your significant other has access to this code or they don’t.
Unresolved overt reasons for disagreements can lead to angry feelings and the destructive expression of that anger, aggression. There are five common reasons for disagreements in a relationship. They include the following:
Money
How money is spent, saved and invested is one of the more emotionally charged stressors in a relationship. In a relationship, if one person is a “spender” and the other is a “saver”, there will be inevitable conflict.
Children or Parenting
Once a child is born, life changes forever. After a child arrives, if one parent believes in letting the baby cry itself to sleep and the other parent rushes in to soothe the crying baby, there will be conflict.
Sex
Sexual activity is a common way to express love and affection in a relationship. For many couples, expectations concerning the quantity and quality of sexual activity may differ. Arguments often involve trying to resolve these conflicts.
Cellphones
Cellphones have become part of everyday life, a constant companion. Couples may have differing opinions on when cellphones should be put away (meal times, overnight, etc.) and who should have access to phone lock codes.
Politics
Politics has become a new frontier of arguments for couples. Included in the different political viewpoints are differing social causes, for example, climate change, abortion, immigration and the economy.
Covert Reasons for Disagreements
Then there are those not so obvious or covert reasons for arguing in a relationship. It is easy to observe how couples manage arguments about differences in money or parenting. There is not much ambivalence about whether you are a spender or a saver, or whether you let the baby cry or you pick it up immediately when it cries.
Covert reasons for disagreements are more ambiguous, more difficult to pinpoint. Covert topics resulting in a fight can be because the covert rules are not consistent. For example, you can look in your significant other’s cellphone to find a picture that was taken of a beautiful sunset during a vacation, but you cannot look in the cellphone to see the last ten people your significant other called.
Unresolved covert reasons for disagreements can lead to angry feelings and ultimately the destructive expression of anger and aggression. There are common covert reasons people in relationships fight. These reasons may not be verbalized or easily identifiable, but lie just below the surface, for example, the following:
- Feeling disrespected
- A lack of trust
- Poor communication
- Putting individual ego above the relationship
Feeling Disrespected
Respect is hard to earn and easy to lose. It involves admiration of someone’s values or their achievements. Disrespect is demonstrated by acting rude, impolite, and offensive. These may look very different to people in a relationship.
A Lack of Trust
Trust is built over time and is based on a demonstration of dependability and reliability. A betrayal by lying or cheating is difficult, if not impossible, to overcome. How can you demonstrate “it” will never happen again?
Poor Communication
People are unique in their style of communication. Some people are extroverted; some are introverted. Their individual needs and expectations for interacting with a friend or family member can be very different.
Putting Individual Ego Above the Relationship
Disagreements sometimes come about as the result of one person in a relationship putting their wants, needs and desires ahead of what is best for the relationship. While the relationship shouldn’t be more important than the individuals, ignoring the relationship can be disastrous.
Determining How to Fight Fair
All relationships will include disagreements or differences of opinion. No two people will ever agree on everything. Ever. However, disagreements do not need to dissolve into arguments or abuse. Determining how to fight fair is not difficult, but it does take effort. What does that effort include? The first step? Identify that there will be rules of engagement, rules for fighting. Just simple common-sense rules that both of you can easily agree to. For example, no yelling or no name calling, no threats of divorce, no running to family or friends for “support”.
Remember, learning to fight fair is developing a unique plan for you and a friend or your significant other to avoid aggression. Remember, Be Angry, But Not Aggressive.
The Rules of Fighting Fair
- Avoid the blame game.
- Avoid threats of divorce, separation or breakup.
- Avoid keeping score.
- Avoid aggressive fighting in front of children.
- Avoid a fight when H.A.L.T. (hungry, angry, lonely, tired) is present.
- Avoid fighting in public.
- One topic at a time.
- Keep family and friends out of your fight.
- Maintain emotional control.
- The goal is a win-win.
- Listen more than you speak.
- Know why you are fighting.
- Watch your tone of voice.
- Be open about your feelings while respecting the feelings of others.
- Repair the damage.
Take Away Point
There are overt and covert reasons people disagree. Knowing how to “fight fair” in a nonaggressive manner just might save your relationships with family, friends and co-workers! For more information about learning how to fight fair, please check out my book, Be Angry, But Not Aggressive: 7 Proven Skills for Managing Your Anger.
With warmest regards,
Thank you so much for reading this blog. If you enjoyed the content, please check out other blogs at:
RelationshipsRelearned.com
RVingNomads.com
In addition to blogs and articles, I have written a series of self-help books called The Personal Empowerment Series and a fictional series named The Charlotte Novella Series. To view my books and novellas I have written, please go to my Amazon Authors Page.
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If you live in the State of Maine or Texas and seeking individual therapy, please go to my Concierge Therapy website: KathrynMaietta.com
| AI has not been used to create any content for my website, articles, blogs or books. All material is original unless otherwise noted. All photos and graphics within my website and blogs were taken or created by David Harrington or Kathryn Maietta. |
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