Difficult Conversations Made Easier –
Does the phrase, “We need to talk”, bring about cold sweats? Heart palpitations? Fear? Defensiveness? Send you to your reptile brain? See my article on: Three Brains: What is The Figurative Concept?
Somehow the approaching holidays will fast forward conversations you may have been successful in avoiding because of geographic distance and/or the “ostrich effect”. Chances are likely that sometime during the holidays families will be under the same roof. And not everyone will get along.
Difficult conversations will be held. It is inevitable. If it hasn’t happened yet, it will. Some of these conversations may be heartfelt, serious and life altering:
• To your mom, “For your safety and the safety of others on the road, I think it is time you should stop driving your car.”
• To your sister, “I don’t think your new boyfriend is good for you. I think he is abusive to you.”
• To your significant other, “I don’t think this relationship is good for me anymore. I think we should break up.”
Some of the difficult conversations will be a family member trying to push their agenda or perspective. The difficult conversation will occur when you have a different perspective or belief system than your family member. These conversations will be driven by passion:
• To your dad, “How in the world can you support Biden / Trump for president? He is an idiot! He runs his mouth too much.”
• To your brother, “How could you get / not get a covid vaccine! Follow the science! Follow the science!”
If these conversations go awry, will you be part of the problem, or part of the solution? Will your ego and belief system rule the day, or will you listen to the perspective of others? What will you gain by listening? What will you lose by listening?
Five steps for preparing to have a difficult conversation
There is no “perfect” time or situation that will guarantee someone else will be receptive to what you have to say about a difficult topic, or that a difficult conversation will go smoothly, or that a difficult conversation will miraculously resolve conflict.
However, there are steps you can take to help make the conversation go more smoothly:
- Plan ahead.
When you decide to approach a family member about a difficult subject, keep your expectations realistic. If someone has had the same behavior for years, it is unrealistic to think their behavior could change “overnight”. For success, start by setting smaller, more attainable goals. Work toward a win-win solution. See my blog on: Conflict and 4 Simple Resolutions you Should Know
- Agree to ground rules.
There should be mutual agreement about a time and place to talk. For success, the conversation should be no longer than 30 minutes at any one time. Shared ground rules will go a long way toward establishing a positive connection between you and your family members. Rules might include no yelling, no foul language, no interrupting.
- Examine your assumptions.
Check your assumptions at the door. When your family member says something that is offensive to you, have the self-awareness to take a step back. Work to understand the meaning of what has been said, not how it was said. Remember, you do not need to immediately respond to anything that is said.
University of Maryland Medical System: Crucial Conversations: 10 Tips for Handling Difficult Conversations with Family
- Let go of your ego.
More importantly, let go of your ego and your need to be right. Approach your difficult conversation with the mindset that your point of view isn’t the only correct perspective on the situation. If you have an open mind, you might actually learn something new! You may not have all the information you need to base your perspective.
- Get your intentions straight.
If you approach the conversation with the view of seeking to understand the person and their views, rather than forcing your own views upon them, you will have a far better chance of eventually finding some common ground. Working toward finding common ground is a win-win and success for both. Bravo!
Five steps for having a difficult conversation
Once you have gotten your head in the right place to have a difficult conversation, setting aside your assumptions, being open minded, etc. you are ready to have the conversation.
- Open the conversation.
Start your conversation with H.A.L.T., i.e. determining if either one of you is hungry, angry, lonely or tired. Please read my definition of H.A.L.T.
When sharing your ideas, use words like “I” or “we/us” as opposed to “you/me”.
It is unlikely that in one conversation you will be able to bring someone around to your way of thinking. Your intention should be to simply open the dialogue on the topic, rather than seek to control it.
TheNationalNews.com: How to talk to friends and family about sensitive subjects: the art of having difficult conversations – Sophie Prideaux June 11, 2020
Example: “I am really concerned about your driving safety ……”
- Debate the issue, don’t attack the person.
This is the part many people often struggle with the most. Raising a concern entails direct communication, emotional vulnerability and the potential for conflict.
Approach the other person with curiosity, openness, and a collaborative mindset.
Be clear and use specific examples while avoiding blaming or using accusatory language.
Bergen Counseling Center: How to Have Difficult Conversations with People You Love
Example: “I know we have different views about covid-19 vaccines, and that is okay.”
- Ask questions.
Once you have allowed a person to make his/her point, entirely, without interrupting, if you still do not understand or are unclear on something s/he has said, you should attempt to gain clarity. You can ask questions. You can rephrase what s/he said, and ask if your understanding is correct. You can ask them to repeat their comment.
Example: “Could you explain more about how this is a healthy relationship?”
- Listen twice as much as you speak.
As Judge Judy would say, you have 2 ears and one mouth for a reason. Many people will spend time during a difficult conversation constructing their next statement as opposed to listening. Take the pressure off yourself. Focus on listening.
Example: Silence
- Follow the ground rules.
When the time comes to end the conversation, be sure to recap what you have discussed. Be sure to include solutions you have come to and areas where you may have agreed to disagree. Thank your family member for taking the time to have the discussion, even if it did not turn out as planned.
Example: “Thank you for talking with me about ……”
Summary
Difficult conversations can come about by necessity, for example, your parent’s decline in their driving ability. Or you can get blind-sided by a difficult conversation, for example, your sibling challenging your decision to have/not have a covid vaccine. In either situation, preparation and a cool head are the keys to maneuvering a successful conversation.
Remember, a successful conversation is not necessarily one in which you swing a family member over to your side during the conversation. This may feel like a success at that immediate point in time, but unless you have accomplished a win-win, the minute you have left the conversation, the other person is back to the same behavior. An example would be during your conversation, your Mom agrees to stop driving, but the minute you leave her house, she gets into her car and drives to the grocery store.
With warmest regards and Happy Holidays,
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