Domestic Abuse is Not an Anger Management Issue.

For reference, the information in this blog is exclusive to male to female domestic abuse/violence. While I acknowledge there are other forms of interpersonal abuse, for example, female to male, or same-sex violence/abuse, these are not my areas of expertise. For this reason, any reference to “perpetrators” or “batterers” will be in reference to males. Any reference to “victim” or “survivor” will be in reference to females.

Definition of Domestic Abuse

For the years I have worked in this field, I have used some variation of the followning defintion. Domestic abuse is a series of acts that:

• Prevent the victim from doing something she wants to do; and/or
• Force her to do something she doesn’t want to do; and/or
• Cause her to feel afraid.

The Myth

There are three main points concerning the myth that batterers cannot control their anger:

1. Anger is a universal emotion, and batterers certainly feel the emotion of anger. It just isn’t the cause of their abuse.
2. The expression or the performance of anger by a batterer is one tactic used by batterers to assert and maintain power and control over their intimate partner.
3. If a batterer can convince his victim that his behavior is the result of anger, not abuse, he is well on his way to making her believe his abuse is the result of something she said or did.

His Anger vs. Her Anger

A batterer doesn’t have a problem with his own expression of “anger”; he has a problem with his victim’s expression of her anger. Frequently a batterer will justify his abuse by saying his behavior was in retaliation for his victim expressing her anger. Domestic abuse is all about blaming her.

Batterers see the expression of her anger as a personal attack on him and his manhood. Many batterers see themselves almost as martyrs for “putting up with” their victim’s anger. The batterer would love to convince his victim it was her anger that was destroying their relationship, not his abuse.

The “Nice Guy”

In public he can seem like “such a nice guy”, but in private he can be a controlling, violent monster. When she tries to tell others of his abuse behind closed doors, she is often seen as “crazy” or “angry”. This plays right into a batterer’s dehumanization of his victim.

One of the clues that a man may be a batterer is when he verbalizes, “I am such a nice guy!” It is like he is trying to convince even himself! If someone is a “nice guy”, he doesn’t need to tell you; everyone will already know by his words and actions!

Anger as an Abuse Tactic

Batterers are abusive to their intimate partners because emotionally and physically they can and because their behavior gets them what they want. Anger is frequently used as an abuse tactic. How do we know this? Because:

1. He picks whom he batters, for example, he is not abusive to his boss or his co-workers, only his partner/victim.
2. He chooses where on her body he is physically abusive, for example, if he wants to remain the “nice guy” in public, he will be physically abusive where she can cover her bruising with clothing.
3. He chooses when he batters, for example, behind closed doors, when the children are in school, when no one else is around. Never in public.
4. He stops when it benefits him to do so. For example, if police come to the door, he can become instantly calm. He has a huge investment in being seen as the “nice guy”.

Can Batterers Change?

Yes. However, changing will not be as the result of his involvement with the criminal justice system, pleading for change from his victim, his abstinence from alcohol or other drugs, or a light bulb moment where he suddenly realizes he has been abusive and miraculously changes his behavior.

It will take a long time, a lot of effort, and incredible self-awareness on his part. It will probably include professional help. This change will not happen quickly. I am a firm believer that just as men learned how to be abusive, they can unlearn that behavior and relearn how to be nonabusive. I have seen it happen.

Couples Counseling

Couples counseling is a HORRIBLE idea until the batterer has completed the work he needs to do to be nonabusive. This will likely be months of intensive work on his part. Don’t be fooled or taken in by promises of “doing better” or by a few days of demonstrating nonabusive behavior.

Couples counseling implies that any problems within the relationship are 50/50, 50% her fault, 50% his fault. When there is domestic abuse, this is just not so! During couples counseling, the victim gets lulled into believing it is a safe place to talk about their relationship. It is virtually guaranteed that any information he obtains during therapy will be used against her when they are in private and that his abuse of her will only intensify.

Summary

Emotional, physical, sexual, or verbal abuse, or any combination of abuse, is harmful and destructive to an intimate relationship. Men are abusive because they can, physically and emotionally, and because their behavior gets them what they want in the least amount of time with the least amount of effort.

It is the batterer’s choice to be abusive. Going to jail or begging from the victim will not change his abusive behavior. The batterer is the only one who can stop his abuse.

With warmest regards,

Thank you so much for reading this blog. If you enjoyed the content, please check out other blogs at:
RelationshipsRelearned.com
RVingNomads.com

In addition to blogs and articles, I have written a series of self-help books called The Personal Empowerment Series and a fictional series named The Charlotte Novella Series. To view my books and novellas I have written, please go to my Amazon Authors Page.

To be notified of future posts, please enter your email address and click on the Subscribe button.

If you live in the State of Maine or Texas and seeking individual therapy, please go to my Concierge Therapy website: KathrynMaietta.com

Kathryn Maietta, MSW, LCSW Licensed Clinical Social Worker / Author and Blogger

I am a licensed clinical social worker in Maine and in Texas. The focus of my practice has been working individually with adult men and women and working with couples. I received my BSW from Baylor University and my MSW from Boston University. Since 2020 I have published a series of self-help books and written a bi-weekly mental health blog.

See Full Bio

Anger Management Domestic Abuse/Violence Relationships Stress and Anxiety Communication Resilience