Emotional Baggage
Definition of emotional baggage: The feelings you have about your past and the things that have happened to you, which often have a negative effect on your behavior and attitudes. Collins Dictionary – Emotional Baggage
Navigating Relationships
Navigating relationships is about understanding the influences others have on you in your relationships. Sometimes it is the “baggage” you bring to the relationship, sometimes it is the “baggage” your new partner brings to the relationship. Most often it is the baggage BOTH of you are bringing baggage into the relationship.
Lifehack.org – Signs That You’re Carrying The Old Issues Into The New Relationship
Land Mines
“Emotional Baggage” can break up a current relationship as quickly and easily as infidelity and/or abuse. The problem with emotional baggage is that you might not even be aware of its existence on your current relationships! That is, until someone steps on a “land mine”! In a relationship have you ever said to your significant other, “Where did that reaction come from?” Or have you ever felt your response to a “new” situation was “exaggerated”, but couldn’t explain your response to yourself or to your significant other? Perhaps it was a land mine. In either case, it is possible the reaction or response was from some unresolved baggage from a previous relationship.
Be aware of the person who has just recently gotten out of a relationship, the person on the “rebound”, or the person who goes quickly from partner to partner. These may be people who have not spent the time and energy to emotionally heal from the last relationship. To avoid this situation, perhaps you can remember the old saying, “moving from the frying pan into the fire”? The Cambridge Dictionary defines this saying as when you move from a bad or difficult situation to one that is even worse! Cambridge Dictionary – Out Of The Frying Pan Into The Fire
Situations
Boy meets girl. “Something” happens to break up boy and girl. Boy and girl get back together and live happily ever after. How many times have you seen that plot in a novel or movie?
Frequently the “something that happens” to break up the relationship relates to the emotional baggage both people bring into their new relationship from all of the previous relationships both have ever had. While it may seem unfair to a new relationship, positive and negative behaviors and characteristics from past relationships will come back to play a role in that new relationship.
Example:
Mike and Kari have just started dating. They are both in their mid 30s. Since their teen years when they began dating, they both have had numerous dating relationships. Both report they are seeking a long-term relationship, but can’t seem to find “the one”.
In Mike’s previous relationships, he had two significant others cheat on him. One previous partner “smothered him”, expecting them to spend every waking minute together. One previous significant other was very athletic and loved biking, hiking and kayaking.
In Kari’s previous relationships, she had a significant other cheat on her, too. One previous partner constantly criticized what she thought, what she did and the clothes she wore. One previous partner loved to go for long drives in the country.
All of this is the emotional baggage Kari and Mike bring into their new relationship together.
Signs You may be Carrying Emotional Baggage
- Emotional distance
A strong emotional bond is an essential pillar of a healthy relationship. It is linked to intimacy and the ability to enjoy and share things together as a couple.
Kari and Mike example: Both Mike and Kari have experienced ex-partners that have cheated on them. It would be very easy for both of them to keep an emotional distance so they “don’t get hurt again”.
Effect on relationships: As long as Mike and Kari are keeping an emotional distance from each other, the relationship cannot flourish. They are allowing previous experiences, their emotional baggage, to interfere with their current attempt at an intimate relationship.
- Commitment issues
Commitment issues actually involve more than just the romantic area of your life. Perhaps it’s also hard for you to commit to work, a place, or anything that requires you to put down roots.
Kari and Mike example: By their mid-30s many people have already formed long-term committed relationships. As Mike and Kari have aged chronologically, both have avoided a commitment.
Effect on relationships: Because Mike and Kari do not want to be hurt by their intimate partner again, both have avoided making a long term commitment.
- Serial-dating
A serial dater is someone who treats relationships like “monkey bars,” transferring from one relationship to the next, with very little time in between. They are never single and can’t hold long-term relationships.
Kari and Mike example: Because they are seeking “the one”, they have continued to date on a regular basis. Due to their fear of commitment, they never stay long in any one relationship.
Effect on relationships: When you are a serial dater, you are always looking for “the one”, the perfect partner without flaws, and especially the flaws of previous partners. It is difficult to be satisfied with the one you are with if you are always searching.
- Paranoia
One of the worst signs of deep emotional baggage is having paranoia that every relationship will lead to pain or being left alone.
Kari and Mike example: Mike and Kari are usually the person to leave the relationship first. If they sense the relationship is not going well, or the one they are dating might not be “the one”, they end it.
Effect on relationships: When someone in a relationship is afraid of being hurt, besides avoiding commitment, they are the one who leaves the relationship first. They do not want to be the one left behind in a break-up.
- Projection
Most of us carry our own insecurities to any new relationship. That’s part of being human. However, emotional baggage can sometimes make us “project” our own assumptions to our partners.
Kari and Mike example: Both Mike and Kari have been cheated on in previous relationships. In new relationships they start reading into behavior of new partners. They try to predict cheating behavior.
Effect on relationships: If you make assumptions about behavior, it is difficult to give anyone the benefit of the doubt. Trust is hard to come by if you are always reading into the behavior of a new partner.
- Comparison
Comparing past relationships to your new one could be understandable. It makes sense. Someone else is filling the role of your ex, so a little comparison is natural. However, everyone is different.
Mike and Kari example: As 30-somethings they have developed criteria for what makes a good partner. Mike likes someone who is athletic. Kari likes someone who enjoys long drives. If a new partner has great traits, but doesn’t like to do those things (be athletic or go for drives), the relationship may not be given a chance to flourish.
Effect on relationships: No two people are alike. If Mike is convinced he must be with someone who is athletic, he might miss out on a really nice person who has other nice features. The same for Kari.
These are all signs you may be carrying excessive emotional baggage. Hack Spirit – Emotional baggage: 6 signs you have it and how to let it go
If you would like more information on healthy relationships, please check out my article: What is a Healthy Relationship?
With warmest regards,
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