Chaos or Common Ground –
How was your Thanksgiving? Any family conflicts? Did it look anything like this?
Scenario
It is Thanksgiving and siblings Chloe, Logan and Jacob are gathering with their significant others, parents, aunts, uncles, cousins and grandparents for the big meal.
Last Thanksgiving (2020) was filled with vehement arguments about politics. Half of the family was strongly in favor of Joe Biden for president. The other half of the family was strongly in favor of the re-election of Donald Trump. The election resolved nothing.
Thanksgiving 2021 was just as conflictual as 2020. This year the arguments surrounded covid-19 vaccines. Half of the family was in favor of covid-19 vaccines and boosters, vaccine passports and travel restrictions for people who refused to get a vaccine. The other half of the family has not been vaccinated, nor do they plan to be and see vaccine mandates as a restriction on their freedom.
As you read the scenario, you may have been thinking about your support of “Team Trump” or “Team Biden”. Maybe you are thinking about your being on “Team No-Vax” or “Team Vax”. Maybe you feel so strongly about one “team” you cannot tolerate listening to what information the other “team” has for support of their perspective.
Your challenge – should you chose to accept it – is to think about why there has to be such intense divisiveness on ANY subject.
Perhaps the challenge should be reframed to: “Why does ANYONE want to spend their time and energy on what rips us apart?” or “What is gained by such intense divisiveness?”
Perhaps limited family time could be better spent by focusing on what unites.
What would happen?
What would happen if you and your family focused on the importance of the familial relationship as opposed to someone aggressively trying to impose their perspective on someone else? Perhaps you could think about how to make any discussion a win-win. See my blog Conflict And 4 Simple Resolutions You Should Know
What would happen if you left your emotional baggage from childhood at home? You know, all of the junk from childhood that seems to only come out when you are with your family of origin. For example, “Mom loved you most”, or “When all of you were playing, why was I the one who was always left out?”, or “No one ever went to my basketball games!” See my blog on Emotional Baggage and Successful Relationships
What would happen if you and your family members listened twice as much as you spoke?
What would happen if you and your family worked toward common ground? It is likely that after 9/11/01 your family was united, you had common ground. In 20 short years it has come about that the enemy is ANYONE, including family, who doesn’t think the way we do.
Be the light. Be the reframer. Seek to understand, not coerce.
Chaos and Conflict
It is entirely possible for people who vehemently disagree to respect each other and their divergent opinions. It happens all of the time. Arguments may be loud and passionate, but no one is screaming at the top of their lungs, no one is calling anyone else derogatory names (for example, calling someone, ”stupid”), no one is interrupting anyone else and most importantly there is no physicality (pushing, shoving, hitting).
Another perspective is that reframing clearly cannot work if family members enjoy the chaos and conflict. And there are families who enjoy robust disagreements, the louder and more chaotic the better. This may work for the family of origin who understand the process, but new significant others may be alarmed by the volume and voracity of the verbal exchanges.
If you are one of those people who have joined the family and prefer a more quiet exchange, you will have to coordinate with your significant other on how to manage being with a boisterous family. It could be an opportunity to practice good communication skills!
Unity and Common Ground
While the family in the scenario had ongoing conflict about a variety of topics, the one thing this family had in common was their commitment to multi-generations being together for the holidays.
Another part of common ground for this family is that they felt comfortable enough to share what they felt. Some families are so afraid of causing conflict that everyone is exclusively on their best behavior and at the hint of conflict, change the subject.
While this chaotic method of interacting may at best be confusing to people who are joining the family, people demonstrate love in many different ways. It is possible that the chaos may not be right for some, but it works for others. It might even be stimulating and thought provoking.
Change in 60 seconds?
Will long lasting change happen during the short period of time family is together for the holidays? In all honesty, probably not. In the scenario, Chloe, Logan and Jacob’s family are probably acting out the roles they played when the 3 siblings were much younger, acting out their emotional baggage.
It is likely families have played out dysfunctional roles for years. The individual players in the family system may only know the roles they have played in the past. Being aware of these roles may be helpful. Having a positive mantra response may be helpful. Psychology Today: The 5 Types of High-Conflict People & What To Do
And maybe the family that gets together for a few hours or a few days around the holidays doesn’t need everything to change. As amazing as it may sound, some people like the predictability of the chaos. The stimulation is invigorating because it is what a family knows. For the family in the scenario, it is unlikely that every other holiday has been blissfully peaceful.
Choice
When it comes to the holidays and potential family conflict, you always have choices. Your first choice is:
• Spending time with family
• Not spending time with family
If you choose to spend time with family, knowing there probably will be conflict, you have another choice. You could respond:
• Passive-Aggressively by arriving late and leaving early
• Aggressively by joining in the conflict and chaos
• Passively by totally withdrawing from the conflict and going in another room
• Assertively by being the reframer. The person with a “cool head”. The person who brought the temperature in the room down to a reasonable level.
When you realize being with your family for even part of the holidays is your choice, your whole attitude and mindset is readjusted. Your attitude is readjusted to the point that if you are miserable, it is because you have chosen to be miserable. Or, your attitude is readjusted to the point that if being with your family is a positive experience, it is because you have chosen to be positive. Also see my blog on How my Attitude Prevents Expressing Feelings
It is all your choice.
Summary
While family estrangements probably will not be resolved during a few days during the holidays, there are ways people can at least start the process for rebuilding relationships. It will take desire, effort and skill.
Understanding that you have a choice in outcomes is important. Understanding that you have a choice to be passive, aggressive, passive-aggressive or assertive eliminates feeling like a victim or feeling like you need to go over the top in defending yourself. It is all a choice. What is your choice?
With warmest regards,
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