Attitudes in Relationships –
This is the first part of a five-part series on relationships. The series will follow a fictional couple, Megan and Justin, as they assess their relationship. Will they continue to “exist” by living in day-to-day survival mode? Or will they put effort into rejuvenating their relationship? Or will they just decide to walk away?
In psychology, attitude is defined as a set of emotions, beliefs, and behaviors toward a particular object, person, thing, or event. Your attitude can have a powerful influence on your behavior.
This blog is focused on attitudes in relationships that may prevent you from expressing your feelings. The next blog will be about how attitudes in relationships prevent you from listening to others.
The following 10-item list is adapted from David Burns’ book, The Feeling Good Handbook. Burns, David D. (1989). The Feeling Good Handbook.
Example: Megan and Justin have been married for about 7 years and are starting to experience some difficulties in their relationship. (See my blog on Marriage: The Truth About Stressful Critical Cycles) They have started to emotionally withdraw from each other, talking more to friends and family than to each other. In addition, they have both started to tune out the other person, not listening to the other person’s words nor the meaning behind the words. Their relationship is in trouble.
Attitudes that Prevent the Expression of Feelings
- Conflict phobia
You may believe that the people you care about would be hurt and/or couldn’t take it if you told them how you felt. This is the “ostrich phenomenon”. You bury your head in the sand instead of dealing with the problems in your relationship. You believe that people with good relationships shouldn’t fight or argue.
Example: Megan “blames” having 2 careers and 2 children under the age of 5 for their relationship difficulties. If she doesn’t acknowledge their communication difficulties, maybe the problems will just go away.
- Emotional perfectionism
You believe that you shouldn’t have irrational feelings like anger, jealousy, depression, or anxiety. You think you should always be rational and in control of your emotions. You are afraid of being exposed as weak and vulnerable. You believe that people will look down on you if they find out how you really feel.
Example: Megan is afraid to share her relationship concerns with Justin. She is afraid he will accuse her of being “emotional” or “over-reacting”. So she keeps her concerns to herself.
- Fear of disapproval and/or rejection
You are so terrified by rejection and ending up alone that you would rather swallow your feelings and put up with someone’s bad behavior than take the chance of making anyone mad at you. You feel an excessive need to please people and to meet everybody’s expectations. You would rather swallow or stuff your feelings than risk losing someone.
Example: Megan has recently watched a couple of her friends go through divorces. She can’t imagine trying to raise two children by herself. So she goes overboard to try and make everything seem perfect by trying to meet everyone’s needs. Everyone’s but her own.
- Passive-aggressive
You pout and hold your hurt and angry feelings inside instead of sharing them openly and honestly. When people do not behave as you expect them to, there is “pay-back”. You may be smiling, but you are seething inside and respond, “Everything is okay.” Then you give others the silent treatment to try to make them feel guilty.
Example: Megan continually puts on a “happy face”. She expects Justin to know how unhappy she is, but she won’t tell him. He has sometimes asked her what is wrong, and she has responded, “Nothing is wrong.” or “I’m just tired.”
- Hopelessness
You feel convinced that your relationship cannot improve no matter what you do, so you give up. You may believe that your significant other is just too stubborn and insensitive to be able to change. This acts as a self-fulfilling prophecy. You feel you have already tried everything and that nothing works. Self-fulfilling Prophecy
Example: Megan has given up. She feels she has tried talking with Justin, tried to spice up their sex life, tried to be the “fun wife”, but nothing changes for long. She has started to see Justin in a negative light.
- Low self-esteem
You believe your thoughts, feelings and beliefs don’t matter or aren’t important. You believe that you aren’t entitled to ask others for what you want. Nor are you entitled to express your feelings. You think you should always please other people and meet their expectations.
Example: Justin knows Megan is not “happy“, but feels powerless to make changes. He feels that if he were a better provider, she could quit her job and stay home with the kids. Sharing his feelings of helplessness with Megan would only end up emasculating him.
- Spontaneity
You believe that you have the right to say precisely what you think and feel when you are upset. You may feel that any change in the way you communicate will sound phony and ridiculous. So you communicate by blurting out whatever is on your mind. This is called “verbally vomiting”.
Example: Justin has become very short-tempered and intolerant. Instead of trying to explain what he wants and/or needs, he blurts out whatever comes into his mind. Increasingly Justin has begun lashing out verbally at Megan.
- Mind Reading
You believe that people should know how you feel and what you want without your having to express yourself directly. This gives you a perfect excuse to hold your feelings inside and to feel resentful because people don’t seem to care about your needs. You believe that people should know how you feel and what you want.
Example: Justin expects Megan to understand the pressure he feels. Megan and the kids expect him to know everything and fix everything. It seems to Justin that in spite of him not verbalizing his pressure, he expects Megan to understand the pressure he is under.
- Martyrdom
You are afraid to admit that you’re angry because you don’t want to give anyone the satisfaction of knowing that their behavior upsets you. You take enormous pride in controlling your emotions and suffering silently. You don’t want to give anyone the satisfaction of knowing they have upset you.
Example: Justin refuses to talk with Megan about whatever is bothering him. He, too, knows friends who have recently gone through divorces. He is determined to not be like “those guys” who are constantly complaining about their relationships. He takes pride in “being the rock”.
- Need to Solve Problems
When you have a conflict with someone, you go around and around in circles trying to solve the problem instead of sharing your feelings openly and hearing how the other person feels. You try to solve the problem instead of sharing your feelings openly. Rolfecounselling.com – Ten Attitudes that Keep You from Expressing Your Feelings
Example: Justin has tried taking Megan out on “date nights”, bought her jewelry, and offered to go to counseling. He has stopped playing golf on Saturday mornings so he can watch the kids to enable her to go to a yoga class. He has done everything except share his feelings and listen to her.
Effect on Relationships of Not Expressing your Feelings
For relationships to be successful, both parties need to feel safe and secure in expressing their feelings. The minute one person in a relationship starts to shut down, hold back feelings, or starts to feel entitled to better treatment, the relationship is headed for decline.
The second blog on this five part relationship series is titled 10 Attitudes That Turn People Off To Listening
Quotes
“Whenever you’re in conflict with someone, there is one factor that can make the difference between damaging your relationship and deepening it. That factor is attitude.”
William James (1842-1910)
Successories.com – 248 Quotes from Successories Quote Database
“It’s a lot easier to be angry at someone than it is to tell them you’re hurt.”
Tom Gates
Keepinspiring.me – Quotes About Feelings & Personal Qualities
With warmest regards,
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