Learn How To Handle Destructive Criticism
Welcome! I am glad you are here.
This blog focuses on offering skills and techniques on how to respond to destructive criticism. At any given time you can be the recipient of criticism from:
• Yourself (lack of confidence, low self-esteem and negative self-talk)
• Your family, friends, acquaintances, neighbors, co-workers and/or supervisors
Over the next few weeks there will probably be many times when someone will criticize you because of how you look, how you act, your choice in partners, your political choices, your weight, your cooking, the list can go on and on. For example, “You have to be crazy to vote for that person!” “You are the worst child ever!” “You have put on weight!”
Perhaps you will be the person who is doing the criticism! It is possible for you to be your own worst critic by raising self-doubt and questioning your decisions. For example, “I am so fat!” “Why am I so desperate that being in a bad relationship is better than being alone?” “Why didn’t I go for that promotion? I am just as qualified as the person who got it.”
Positive and Negative Criticism
Criticism can be either positive (constructive) or negative (destructive). Destructive criticism can cut to your core, defeating you, injuring your self-esteem, leaving you feeling defensive, frustrated, hopeless, abandoned, and maybe even angry. Constructive criticism can inspire you to do things differently, or to see things in a different way. It can boost your knowledge, self-esteem and confidence.
There are many factors to take into consideration when receiving criticism:
• Who is sharing the criticism? If it is someone you trust chances are good their criticism is meant to be helpful.
• How is the criticism given? Is the criticism compassionate and caring or degrading and demeaning?
• How specific is the criticism? Is the criticism vague, for example, “You don’t know what you are talking about!”? Or is the criticism more specific, for example, “Using directions would probably be helpful”?
Are You the Critical One?
This may be a hard concept for you to hear. When you are criticized, do you become so defensive that you cannot hear what the other person is saying? Do people “tiptoe” around you for fear of receiving your wrath, your scathing words? You may not even see how others avoid you. You don’t see how critical you really are. If you treat yourself with disrespect and you are critical of yourself, you probably do the same to others. You just aren’t aware of it.
The Effect of Criticism on Relationships
Most people do not criticize their partner with the intention of being harmful or demeaning. Most people do not want to deliberately injure their relationships. However, there are many positive and negative reasons a spouse or partner might criticize you:
• Your partner sincerely wants to be helpful in some manner.
• Your partner wants to point out a troublesome action or mannerism that you might want to change.
• Your partner is frustrated, hurt, or embarrassed by your words or behavior.
• Your partner is simply expressing his/her feelings. It isn’t meant to hurt you, the partner just wants to “get something off her/his chest”.
• Your partner feels “the best defense is a good offense”, meaning “attacking” might lessen the chance of you “attacking” them.
• Your partner’s intent is to provoke an argument.
• In an attempt to make him/her feel better, s/he shifts responsibility to you, making a troublesome situation your responsibility or your fault.
Techniques
The following are twelve common techniques that may be helpful to you when you are confronted by criticism. Find 3 or 4 techniques that you feel comfortable with and practice them. In the future when you are confronted with criticism, you will have a variety of responsible responses.
- Ask for reassurance.
Description: Request that when someone gives you negative criticism, they also give you positive criticism as well. Think of an Oreo cookie: positive criticism is the chocolate cookie, negative criticism is the filling.
Example: “I know you don’t like my mashed potatoes, but can you tell me one dish I cook that you like?” - Take a moment to process.
Description: So you won’t say something you later regret, or just start an argument, set aside your initial reaction and take the time to think about the criticism objectively before responding.
Example: “That was really hard to hear. I would like a little time to think about what you said.” - Don’t take criticism personally.
Description: It is very easy to take criticism personally. After all, it feels like our very core is being trampled. One thing you might want to consider is that the criticism may have some truth to it, something that should be addressed.
Example: Use positive self-talk, for example, “I know the criticism isn’t about me as a person, it is meant to help me change my behavior.” - Respond to the criticism, not the tone.
Description: It is very easy to get caught up in someone’s tone of voice or their presentation style, and completely miss what they are saying. It is important to not get caught up in the tone or the presentation and hear the words.
Example: “I want to hear what you have to say. But when I only hear your angry tone of voice, I can’t hear the words you are saying.” - Request specifics.
Description: When you don’t understand criticism, ask for specifics. It is okay to ask for clarification of criticism. If you don’t understand what is being said, you can’t look at what you are doing!
Example: “Can you explain to me what you mean when you say I am impatient?” - Guess specifics.
Description: Sometimes feedback you receive is vague. You might have a general idea about the criticism you are receiving, but you aren’t really sure. For clarification, if you are to take the criticism seriously, you can guess what they really mean.
Example: “Are you saying you don’t think I am listening to you while I am cooking dinner?” - Ask for additional complaints.
Description: It may sound absurd when you are being criticized to ask for additional criticism. However, what this does is provide an opportunity to “clear the air”, to be able to discuss other similar situations. It could prevent problems in the future.
Example: “Are there other things I am doing that you think we should talk about, too?” - Use active listening.
Description: Frequently people just want to know that their criticism has been heard. They understand changes cannot be made overnight. They just want to know they were heard.
Example: “What I heard you say was I was short tempered today.” - Agree with the truth.
Description: Criticism you receive is frequently has some truth to it. You may not want to hear it, but it doesn’t change the facts. Being able to recognize and then admit you were wrong is a very difficult, but powerful, thing to do!
Example: “I agree with you, I could probably have said what I did in a nicer tone of voice.” - Agree with the odds.
Description: While not fully agreeing with the criticism, you could agree with the odds, or chances, that what is being said is valid criticism. You may need more time to think about the situation and to process the criticism.
Example: “You may be right. I know in the past I have said things in anger that were hurtful.” - Disagree with the criticism.
Description: When you are criticized, you have the right to disagree. Sometimes criticism is given could be based on wanting to provoke you, or to start a fight. If you honestly don’t feel the criticism is undeserved, you have the right to disagree.
Example: “I disagree with you, I am listening. Sometimes I just need time to think before I say something I will regret.” - Apologize for your contribution.
Description: Though it may be difficult to hear, sometimes you are part of the problem. The ability to apologize shows you are capable of taking responsibility, not just trying to avoid criticism.
Example: “I am sorry. I was wrong. I shouldn’t have raised my voice. Can we start over again, or can we come back to this later?”
Remember, practicing skills to handle criticism before you need them, will give you the ability to manage any situation involving criticism. Get practicing! You may also be interested in my article Five Roadblocks to Effective Communication
I hope this blog has provided you with new information that will be helpful to you in all your relationships. If you have any comments or questions about the content of this blog, please contact me: Kathryn@relationshipsrelearned.com
Are current life situations causing you stress? Do you need a plan or new ideas on how to decrease your stress and anxiety? My book may help: Crush Your Stress: 302 Coping Skills for Managing Your Stress.
