Not Home For The Holidays
It may be sad, anxiety provoking or exhilarating to realize as an adult, you have the right to choose how you spend the holidays:
• with or without your family of origin (mother / father / siblings / grandparents, etc.)
• with or without your family of creation (significant other / children / friends / neighbors / co-workers, etc.)
There are many reasons why you may choose not to spend the holidays with your family of origin or your family of creation. Some of those reasons could be:
• concerns around the transmission of covid
• the financial cost of travel or gifts
• not enough earned time / vacation time
• feeling overwhelmed just thinking about the family drama and/or conflict
• a desire to start your own holiday traditions
• preference to spend the holidays with your closest, not extended, group of family or friends
Whatever your decision, it is your choice to make. Spending the holidays with your family doesn’t make you a “good person”. Just as not spending time around the holidays with family does not make you a “bad person”. Actually, it may be a rite of passage for you, your way of demonstrating you are making adult decisions for yourself!
Breaking with Tradition
Give yourself permission not to go home for the holidays. If your decision is to break with long-held traditions, the following may help you:
• Tell your family about your plans as soon as you have made a decision, or as soon as you start considering not going home.
• Expect that family and/or friends will be hurt and disappointed when you tell them, especially if this is your first time bowing out of the festivities.
• Suggest other, non-holiday related times to visit.
• Think about how you can make your break with tradition by working toward a win-win solution. See my blog: Conflict and 4 Simple Resolutions You Should Know
• Be kind, but hold firm to your decision.
Vice.com: How to Tell Your Family You’re Not Coming Home for the Holidays – By Rachel Miller, October 22, 2020
Points to Ponder
If you are on the fence about going home for the holidays, think about your previous experiences of being home. Think about your behaviors when you are with family. Do you and/or your parents and siblings revert to behaviors that were present when you were 12?
What effect is there on you in the following days, weeks and even months? Do you drink more than usual? Do you have trouble sleeping? Sometimes the experience is a tolerable frustration, while other times the repercussions are physically and emotionally damaging.
Something to consider is that conflict is a sign of a healthy relationship. Doubtful your family can handle news of your absence? Try it. By shifting into an adult relationship, you will be testing the limits.
Acknowledge disappointment, and excuse yourself from guilt. Unless you are intentionally trying to hurt your family by not coming home, recognize that it’s natural for family members to respond with disappointment. It’s okay for people to be disappointed. It is a common, normal feeling.
Give only a simple explanation. If you only go home once a year, and an honest conversation about your Uncle Brian’s drinking or his verbally abusive behavior will cause family drama, it’s probably not the right time to get to the root of why you are opting out of a holiday gathering. When pressured to explain your decision, you may need to take a time out to gather your thoughts. See my blog: 7 Healthy Time Out Steps and How to Use Them
Be firm in your decision. Set boundaries and expectations by being clear about your intentions not to come home this year. It needs to be a firm decision, otherwise it will lead to a series of painful conversations and you’ll have to go through it again and again, and again.
The EVERYGIRL: Why It’s Okay Not to Go Home for the Holidays (and 7 Ways to Handle It) December 18, 2018
Covid
As if thinking about how to spend the holidays by choice isn’t difficult enough, let’s add covid protocols, mandates, requirements and time for quarantining into your decision making. It is likely that between writing and publishing this blog, there will be numerous iterations of recommendations from the CDC on how to celebrate the holidays in a covid safe manner. However, at this moment in time, some of the CDC recommendations include:
• Host or watch virtual events and celebrations.
• Celebrate with only people who live with you.
• Have an outdoor celebration with everyone at least 6 feet apart and wearing masks.
• Take a food or gift to family, friends, and neighbors in a way that does not involve contact with others, such as leaving them at the door.
• Volunteer to help others in need.
Centers for Disease control and Prevention: Holiday Celebrations, Updated Aug. 15, 2021
Examples of what to say to your family:
• “I love you so much, and I couldn’t live with myself if I got you sick.”
Money
Perhaps you would rather buy a new dishwasher rather than travel home for the holidays. Choosing to put financial resources in other places rather than traveling home only makes sense. This is especially true now if there are quarantining costs or covid testing costs involved.
Examples of what to say to your family:
• “For weeks I have looked at my budget and have been looking at cheap flights, hotels and rental cars. I just can’t financially swing it this year.”
Time Off Work
This year, like maybe no other, people have already taken enough time off! With many businesses being incredibly short staffed, maybe you can’t take time off like you used to. Maybe you have already used all of your time off due to juggling remote learning.
Examples of what to say to your family:
• “Since I am new at this job, I’m not able to take Thanksgiving week off work like I have in the past.”
New Traditions
Maybe this year you just want to set up new traditions. Perhaps they are traditions with your family of creation. For example, your children are old enough now that you want them to wake up in their own beds on Christmas morning. This does not make you a bad person, it makes you a good parent.
Examples of what to say to your family:
• “I have been invited to a Friendsgiving Day meal with a group of my friends from work. I think it would be more relaxing than suffering a 6-hour layover in a busy airport with other people scrambling to get home.”
Self-Care
Maybe you are just feeling overwhelmed. For many the pandemic has caused significant disruptions in lives, job losses, illness, loss of family members, virtual learning for your children, and on and on and on. Maybe you just have nothing left emotionally or physically to give to one more person.
Examples of what to say to your family:
• “As you know, I’ve been stretched really thin lately; I’m incredibly burned out by everything that is happening in the world. I know I will feel better if I just stay home, sleep in and read a few good books. As much as I love spending time with you guys, I am just not up for it this year.
Summary
At some point in time there will be a rite of passage for you. It will be the point in time when you prioritize your family of creation over your family of origin. There may be many reasons for doing this, including covid, short of money, lack of time off days, you want to make new traditions, or it is just time for you to focus on self-care. Especially during covid times!
Admittedly, the first time you say no to going home for the holidays it may be difficult for you and for your family of origin. It gets better. And you owe it to yourself and your family of creation.
With warmest regards,
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