Positive Self-Talk (A Paradigm Shift)
On the 2021 winter solstice, the first day of winter and the last blog of Relationships Relearned for 2021, make the following sentence your mantra for good mental health in 2022:
How can I think about the event (or this situation) differently?
It is such a simple sentence. What does it mean? Why is this sentence something you should repeat to yourself? The answer is simple. Repeating this sentence during stressful events or situations, then following through with the process can change your life. Sounds a bit dramatic, doesn’t it? It is.
Repeating this sentence to yourself (self-talk) during a stressful event can change your thoughts, feelings and behaviors. It can take you from a negative mind-set with unpleasant feelings and destructive behavior to a positive place, with pleasant feelings and constructive behavior. This is the paradigm shift.
You have control of this process. You have the control to make your life into what you want it to be. Just by repeating and following the eight simple words. Yes. It can happen for you, too. This is the part where you can thrive.
Definitions
To understand how to implement the sentence, “How can I think about the event differently?”, you must understand the concepts involved:
• Self-talk is defined as the act or practice of talking to oneself, either aloud or silently and mentally. Self-talk can be positive or negative. Dictionary.com: Self-Talk
• A paradigm shift is defined as an important change that happens when the usual way of thinking about or doing something is replaced by a new and different way. Merriam-Webster: Paradigm Shift, Also please see my article: The Paradigm Shift
• Thrive is defined as growing or increasing in stature; to grow vigorously or luxuriantly, to flourish. Wordhippo.com: What does thrive mean?
Why link them into one end-of-the-year blog? Because:
• Self-talk is how you think about an event or situation, how you can get to the paradigm shift
• A paradigm shift is the process for making changes in your life
• Thrive is the end result of your self-talk and paradigm shift.
Being negative
To demonstrate how this process works, let’s take an example and go through the paradigm shift process. Scenario: Anna will be spending Christmas Day with her family of origin, including her Uncle Brian who always criticizes her weight.
The minute Anna gets off the phone with her mother when she agrees to go to her parent’s house for Christmas Day, her stomach starts churning. She berates herself for being so weak as to give in again. She doesn’t want to be around her verbally abusive uncle.
Anna starts having negative self-talk (negative thoughts). She tells herself he is going to really call her fat this year, because she did put on weight during quarantining. In her mind, she can almost hear him calling her “Anna thunder thighs” or “muffin top” or “bubble butt Anna”.
Because of her negative self-talk, Anna feels like a victim. She feels overwhelmed and sad about the situation. She feels hurt, abandoned and betrayed by family because everyone else thinks he is hilarious and is the life of the party. These are all unpleasant feelings.
Feeling overwhelmed, sad, hurt, abandoned and betrayed she may end up deciding to not spend time with her family on Christmas Day. She may go to her parent’s house on Christmas Day, but she will be the last person to arrive and the first person to leave. When her uncle calls her fat shaming names, without doing the paradigm shift, she will do what she has always done, just grin and bear it. Anna will emotionally die a little inside every time he makes a joke at her expense.
Anna is obviously not thriving. But she has control of how she views what is happening.
The Paradigm Shift
When Anna is on the phone with her mother, and her mother says Uncle Brian will be attending the festivities on Christmas Day, she could refuse to attend the Christmas Day festivities if her Uncle Brian attends.
Or, Anna could ask herself, “How can I think about the event (the situation) differently?”
Being positive
Anna can take control of her thoughts and decide to have positive self-talk. Notice the event does not change, only Anna’s thoughts change. Anna doesn’t have the power to change an event or situation. She only has the power to control her own thoughts.
By choosing to have positive self-talk and to have some self-reflection, Anna has denied Uncle Brian having power over her. Again, she cannot change the event, only her thoughts.
Because Anna has chosen positive self-talk, she has neutral feelings. She feels apathy and pity for her Uncle Brian. When Uncle Brian calls Anna “thunder thighs Anna”, she doesn’t let him into her head to destroy her self-esteem. She has the control, not Uncle Brian.
At this point Anna is in control and she can choose if or how to respond to Uncle Brian’s very insulting comments. Anna can ignore him, literally shrug her shoulders and move onto another topic. She can walk away. She can say, “With covid we all have probably put on a few pounds.”
All of these responses keep the power with Anna, not with Uncle Brian.
Control her self-talk, and Anna controls her feelings. Choose her feelings and Anna controls her behavior. Choose her behavior, and Anna thrives. Are you like Anna?
Summary
You too can thrive.
Unpleasant events or situations will always happen. You have no control over them. The only thing you have control over is yourself. It is a choice. All you have to do is ask yourself, “How can I think about the event differently?” Through a paradigm shift and positive self-talk you can choose to thrive.
With warmest regards,
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