Feelings
Feelings are an emotional state or a reaction to stimuli. While feelings tend to be abstract in nature, they are frequently physically felt, for example, heart palpitations and a flushed face.
Not everyone has the same reaction (feelings) to stimuli. For example, one person may be excited and exhilarated by the thought of a roller coaster ride while for someone else that thought could bring about fear and anxiety.
The following are some basic facts about feelings. Understanding these facts can be the first step in learning how to manage them.
For the purpose of this blog, the focus will be on the feeling of fear.
1) Feelings involve a total body reaction
When you experience a feeling, you tend to “feel it all over”. You may experience bodily reactions such as heart palpitations, muscle tightness, shaking or trembling. There are biochemical reactions to mental and emotional stimuli. These biochemical reactions occur not only in the brain, but simultaneously in virtually every system of your body. This is why when you are embarrassed your face turns red or flushed.
Example: You are getting ready to give a speech in front of your colleagues. You feel anxious, excited and even a little fearful. For example, “What if I do a poor job? What if people get up and walk out? What if no one claps?”
Just as you are preparing to speak it feels like your throat is closing, your heart is racing, and you can feel droplets of sweat starting to form on your temples. These are all the physiological effects of your excitement.
Your whole body will react to your feelings. In this example, fear at giving a presentation in front of colleagues brought about physiological changes.
2) Feelings are not right or wrong
A common misconception is that feelings are right or wrong. For example, “I shouldn’t feel angry because someone cut me off in traffic.” Or, “I should congratulate someone for winning our game of tennis.” When you start saying how you should feel about this or that, the perceptions or judgments you make about your feelings may lead to fear. Fear of being wrong or fear of being judged.
Many people have stopped saying what they feel about a topic for fear of offending someone. Fear of being canceled. Fear of being called a racist, sexist or transphobic.
One person’s feelings are not “more right” or “more wrong” than anyone else’s feelings. They are just feelings.
Without realizing it, adults often try to control the feelings young people have. You may say to a child, “Don’t worry about it,” “You shouldn’t be sad” and “Cheer up!” You may feel uncomfortable seeing young people struggle or feel hurt and try to fix it by talking them out of the feeling.
Example: Monique has been dating someone for most of her senior year. Over the summer between high school and college Monique and Charlie decide to break up because they will both be going to colleges hundreds of miles apart. Even though it was an agreed upon decision she is very sad and lonely.
When people dismissively tell her “Cheer up!” or “It was the best decision” or “Get over it, you will find someone new!”, Monique fears she can’t be honest with others.
While this fear doesn’t bring about the same intense outward physiological response that giving a speech does, Monique’s fear of being criticized for what she feels, forces her to shut down and pretend everything is fine, when it isn’t.
3) Feelings are often “contagious”
If you are physically and/or emotionally close to someone who is crying, you may feel sad, or even cry yourself. Or you may pick up on another’s excitement or enthusiasm.
It may be as easy to “catch” another person’s moods as it is to catch their germs!
Financier and investor Warren Buffett (1930-) has a quote about the contagion of being around others, “If you want to soar like an eagle in life, you can’t be flocking with the turkeys.” Eagle Sayings and Quotes by wisesaying.com
There is actually a term for this phenomenon, emotional contagion (EC). It is the method by which one person’s feelings and emotions are “transferred” to another. The concept of emotional contagion was first identified by Elaine Hatfield (1937- ), an American social psychologist. She describes how people who observe the emotions and behaviors of another tend to copy those emotions and behaviors. SimplyPsychology.org – Emotional Contagion: What It Is And How To Avoid It
Example: When Travis was in middle school, he and his younger brother were attacked by a pack of aggressive dogs. Over the years he has gotten less fearful about being around dogs. If he encounters a single dog on a leash, he is “okay”, but two dogs still cause him to feel afraid. He has heart palpitations and his flight instinct is very strong.
Now Travis is a father. His children see the scar on his face from the dog attack decades before. They sense their father’s fear about dogs and now refuse to go to a friend’s house if there is a dog present. The fear is contagious.
If you surround yourself with people who are negative, frustrated, miserable and unhappy (think election results in 2016 and 2020) then you too will feel miserable.
Take Away Point
Understanding these facts about feelings can be your first step in learning how to regulate your feelings. While fear was used as an example, these facts apply to other feelings as well, for example, happiness, anticipation and sadness.
No content in this blog was created by AI (artificial intelligence). The information presented is the perspective of the author and material amassed from 40+ years as a clinical social worker.
With warmest regards,
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