Physical Abuse Checklist
Definition of domestic abuse/violence: Domestic abuse is not about losing control, but a systematic method of asserting and maintaining power and control over a current or former intimate partner or a situation involving a current or former intimate partner.
For 40+ years I have worked with both victims and perpetrators of domestic abuse/violence in which the perpetrator was male and the victim was female. This check list has been developed exclusively for male to female domestic abuse/violence. While I acknowledge there are other forms of interpersonal abuse, for example, female to male abuse, or same sex abuse, these are not my areas of expertise. For this reason, any reference to “perpetrators” or “batterers” will be in reference to males. Any reference to “victim” or “survivor” will be in reference to females.
If my four decades of experience have taught me anything about abusive relationships, it is that men are abusive because they physically can, and because it gets them what they want in the shortest amount of time with the least amount of effort.
I am also a firm believer that just as men learned how to be abusive, they can unlearn that behavior, and relearn how to be non abusive. I have seen it happen. However, the abusive behavior must be recognized as being abusive and/or violent.
Trigger Warning: If you are the victim of domestic abuse/violence and have found something in this blog to be triggering, someone is available 24/7 to speak with you. You are not alone. If it is safe to do so, please contact:
- Domestic abuse/violence: National Domestic Violence Hotline at 800-799-7233
- Sexual abuse/assault: National Sexual Assault Hotline at 800-656-4673
- Human trafficking: National Human Trafficking Hotline at 888-373-7888
PHYSICAL ABUSE
When most people think about physical abuse, they think of examples when a batterer hits or pushes his intimate partner. Most people will visualize a victim with a black eye or other bruises. That is the type of domestic abuse that will get someone involved in the criminal justice system. But physical abuse is more than physical contact.
Physical abuse is a series of physical acts that:
- prevents the victim from doing something she wants to do; and/or
- forces her to do something she doesn’t want to do; and/or
- causes her to feel afraid.
Physical abuse can also include:
- damaging or destroying her property or joint property, for example, smashing her cellphone or the TV, punching holes in a wall, ripping doors off their hinges, or throwing things at her or toward her.
- isolating her from others, including her children, family, friends, co-workers. He may do this through physically restraining her or not allowing her to leave their home. He may also do this through disabling her car.
- threating to harm his victim or someone close to his victim. He may threaten to harm or even kill her, her children, her family, friends, co-workers or even harm or kill her pets.
- intimidating her by stalking her, repeatedly driving by where she was going to school or working, or snooped through her personal belongings including her cell phone or computer.
Physical abuse rarely occurs as a solitary act. A man can perform the physical act of hitting or punching his victim and nothing more. However, it is more likely he will also be emotionally, sexually and/or verbally abusive. For example:
- emotionally intimidating her by backing her into a corner while he is punching her
- forcing himself on her sexually as he is physically restraining her
- verbally attacking her by snarling, “You are a stupid bitch who deserves getting beaten” while he is punching her.
The following checklist has been developed over the course of 45 years. While the check list is extensive, it is not exhaustive. Batterers continue to be creative in ways in which they can be abusive/violent to their intimate partners. All of the behaviors on this checklist are real examples of abuse/violence taken from actual police reports, child protective service reports and/or the mouths of batterers and/or his victims.
Physical Abuse (physical contact)
- slapped her with an open hand
- punched her
- grabbed her
- shoved her
- kicked her
- choked her
- pushed her
- pulled her hair
- pinched her
- bit her
- twisted her arm
- “cuffed” her
- “swatted” her
- tickled her after she asked him to stop
- “boxed” her ears / head
- spanked her after she asked him to stop
- beat her
- burned her
- poked her
- whipped her
- hit her with a weapon
- abandoned her in a dangerous place
- held her down
- restrained her
- shook her
- tripped her
- spit on her
- wrestled her
- urinated on her
- tied her up
- handcuffed her
- suffocated her
- smothered her
- dragged her
- hit her with a thrown object
- induced exhaustion
- starved her
- used brass knuckles to hit her
- cut her
- sliced her
- stabbed her
- shot her
Intimidation
- threw something at her
- threw something in her direction
- raised a fist to intimidate
- drove recklessly to scare her
- punched walls
- put holes in the walls
- banged a tabletop or countertop with his fist or hand
- cleared a tabletop or countertop of all items
- knocked things around a room
- hurt or injured pets
- slammed doors
- used looks or gestures
- stalked her
- robo called her at home
- robo called her at work
- went to places he knew she would be even after she asked him not to
- had other people go to places he knew she would be
- snooped through her personal belongings
- repeatedly drove by her house
- refused to allow her to have her passport
- forced her to bail him out of jail
- forced her to drink alcohol when she didn’t want to
- forced her to take illegal drugs or legal drugs in a nonprescribed manner
- prevented her from using birth control
Isolation
- moved more than twice in one year
- deliberately left the gas tank of the car on empty
- didn’t allow her to talk with family or friends
- refused to leave when she asked him to
- abandoned her in a dangerous place
- took her car keys
- denied her access to the phone
- denied her access to the mail
- prevented her from getting or keeping a job
- prevented her from going back to school
- prevented her from having time to study
- forced her to ask permission to go somewhere
- deprived her of basic needs: food, water, shelter, clothing, medical care
Damaged or Destroyed Property
- her personal possessions, for example, cell phone
- joint possessions, for example, TVs
- ripped or tore her clothing
- the apartment or house (punched holes in walls, ripped doors off the hinges)
- her vehicle
Restraint
- disabled her car
- blocked her exit
- locked her in a room
- sat on her
- prevented her from using the telephone
- took her car keys
- refused to help her if she was injured or sick
- stood over her
- refused to leave
- restricted her from obtaining medical care
- did not allow her to take her medication
Abused Pets
- abused pets in her presence, or the presence of her children
- killed pets
- kept pets during a separation or divorce dispute
- kept pets as a way to lure children for visitation when they didn’t want to see him
- abandoned a pet on the side of the road
- forced pets to be outside in the cold or heat without shelter, food or water
Used Weapons (guns and knives)
- kept weapons around to scare her
- used weapons against her
- showed her weapons
- cleaned his weapon/s in her presence
- pointed a weapon at her
- refused to show her how to use weapons
- discussed what he could do to her with a weapon
Physical Effects
It is common for his physical abuse to have a physical impact. If he does not want his victim to go out in public, his abuse is likely to be visible to others, for example, a black eye or broken bones. Victims frequently are embarrassed, ashamed or feel guilty for being victims, so they will not go out in public if they have physical effects from abuse.
If he wants her to continue to be seen in public, even after he has been abusive, he will likely abuse her in places that can be easily covered by clothing. This would usually include bruising, scratches or whip marks on her torso or upper legs/upper arms.
These effects include, but are not limited to:
- pregnancy
- miscarriage
- broken bones
- broken ribs
- cuts (minor and extensive)
- her jaw being wired shut
- ligature marks on neck, wrists or ankles
- sprains
- whip marks
- human bite
- broken nose
- scratches
- internal injury
- bleeding
- concussion
- unconsciousness
- bruising
- disfigurement
- eye injury
- loss of sight
- ear drum injury
- loss of hearing
- chronic pain
- pulling out her hair
- black eye
- broken teeth
- swelling
- burns
- stitches
- ER visit
- Doctors visit
Summary
Men are abusive because they can, physically and emotionally, and because their abuse gets them what they want in the least amount of time with the least amount of effort.
Physical abuse is not limited to physical contact. It can also include isolation, restraint, intimidation, threats, damaging or destroying property and the use of weapons.
Trigger Warning: Again, if you are the victim of domestic abuse/violence and have found something in this blog to be triggering, someone is available 24/7 to speak with you. You are not alone. If it is safe to do so, please contact:
- Domestic abuse/violence: National Domestic Violence Hotline at 800-799-7233
- Sexual abuse/assault: National Sexual Assault Hotline at 800-656-4673
- Human trafficking: National Human Trafficking Hotline at 888-373-7888
For more information
If you would like to read other blogs or an article I have written on domestic abuse, please refer to:
- Domestic Abuse is an-Important Community Issue
- What Is The Emotional Abuse Checklist For Domestic Abuse
- Reasons Why Victims Of Domestic Abuse Stay
- The Ability of Domestic Abusers (Batterers) To Become Non-Abusive
- Excuses Batterers Will Use For Being Abusive
- (BIP) Batterers Intervention Program And Important Paper Dolls Exercise
- Domestic Violence & Domestic Abuse – How To Define the Difference
- Know why Domestic Abuse is not an Anger Management Problem
- What are the Differences Between Anger Management Treatment and a Batterers’ Intervention Program?
With warmest regards,
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