What is a passive-aggressive communicator?
The passive-aggressive communicator is someone who presents as if they don’t care about something (passive), but internally they may be seething (aggressive). Passive-aggressive communicators will:
- mutter comments “under their breath” so that another will know something has been said, but not what has been said, for example, “You knew I didn’t want to go to this restaurant, but here we are anyway!”
- refuse to confront others about something that is bothering them, for example, responding with, “Nothing is wrong. I am not angry/upset.”
- talk about a problem with someone who isn’t a part of the problem, for example, “I could never tell “X” I wasn’t truthful about how much money I spent last month.”
- tell someone they will do something, but have no follow through.
Passive-aggressive communication is ineffective because it is deceitful. A key value when communicating is clarity. Being a passive-aggressive communicator wastes everybody’s time when people don’t openly express their ideas. 4 Types of Communication Styles
Passive-aggressive interactions with others
The message of the passive-aggressive communicator is often unclear. Their message tends to be disrespectful and is not viewed as credible. Passive-aggressive communicators seem unreasonable, irrational, hostile, rude and uncooperative. Others tend to retaliate and avoid the passive-aggressive communicator. Communication is not effective. Relationships are lost or not taken seriously.
Examples of passive-aggressive behavior might include avoiding direct or clear communication, evading problems, fear of intimacy or competition, making excuses, blaming others, obstructionism, playing the victim, feigning compliance with requests, sarcasm, backhanded compliments, and hiding anger. Tell The Difference Between Assertive, Passive and Aggressive Behavior also see my blog on Nonverbal Communications: What is Not Being Said is Important
People who develop a pattern of passive-aggressive communication usually feel powerless, stuck, and resentful – in other words, they feel incapable of dealing directly with the object of their resentments. Instead, they express their anger by subtly undermining the object (real or imagined) of their resentments. The Four Basic Styles of Communication
Behavior of the passive-aggressive communicator
Most passive-aggressive communicators have difficulty acknowledging their anger. They frequently use facial expressions that don’t match how they feel and even deny there is a problem. Passive-aggressive communicators are most likely to communicate with body language or a lack of open communication to another person, such as giving someone the silent treatment, spreading rumors behind people’s backs or sabotaging others’ efforts. 4 Types of Communication Styles
A way to identify someone who is passive-aggressive is to look for sarcasm. After saying something rude, sarcastic, or damaging, they may say, “I was only joking.” The 4 Communication Styles: How Behavioral Traits Affect Communication
Impact on relationships of being passive-aggressive
Because passive-aggressive communicators are indirect and frequently manipulative, their relationships with others will suffer. This style of communication does not lend itself well to successful relationships. Just the opposite!
There tend to be some misconceptions about communication styles. It is important to remember that these styles tend to be fluid, and that your typical communication style may change over time as you learn from life experiences and as you mature. You may be assertive with coworkers, but passive-aggressive with family members. You may be assertive with people you know well, but aggressive with strangers.
Ideally, you want to be assertive in most of your communication with others. Don’t worry! If you find yourself frequently using the other three styles, the good news is that because communication styles are learned, you can unlearn the unhealthy ones and relearn healthier communication styles!
Statements used by the passive-aggressive communicator
- “Whatever.”
- “Don’t worry. Even someone at your age can learn how to ride a bike!”
- “I was only kidding. Can’t you take a joke?”
- “I thought everyone knew that!”
- “I’m not angry. What makes you think I am angry?”
- “Why are you so upset?”
Examples of passive-aggressive behavior from the media
Sometimes it is easier to recognize passive-aggressiveness in the behavior of others. The best examples of passive-aggressive behavior occur when someone says one thing, but behaves in a very different way. These are examples in the news:
Example One: Alec Baldwin
On October 21, 2021 Alec Baldwin was involved in a fatal incident on a movie set in New Mexico. December 17, 2021 What We Know About the Fatal Shooting on Alec Baldwin’s New Mexico Movie Set Reports came out immediately of his willingness to cooperate with the police to find out what happened. Alec Baldwin says he’s cooperating with investigation of fatal shooting on ‘Rust’ set As part of their investigation police asked Baldwin to turn over his cellphone and password. It took almost three months and a search warrant for Baldwin to comply on January 14, 2022. Alec Baldwin Finally Surrenders His Phone After Police Put Him on Blast
Of course, there are many legal reasons for withholding his cellphone. However, Baldwin’s behavior demonstrates his being passive-aggressive. He SAYS he will cooperate with police (passive), but his BEHAVIOR demonstrates aggressiveness (“I will do what I want to do, when I want to do it”). Why experts say Alec Baldwin hasn’t handed over his phone. By Natalie O’Neill January 7, 2022
Example Two: Nancy Pelosi
Masks have caused such turmoil in this country! According to the FAA, in 2021 there were 5,981 reports of unruly (aggressive) passengers. Unruly Passengers Seventy-three percent (4,290 reports) of those incidents involved airline passengers not wanting to wear a facemask. These ‘unruly’ passengers spit, punched and kicked at airline crew members. Now, they face hefty fines.
Nancy Pelosi, Speaker of the House of Representatives, has been in the forefront of mask-wearing mandates. However, three incidents demonstrate Pelosi seeming to be passive (telling people to follow the science and wear a mask) and her aggressive behavior (examples of Pelosi not wearing a mask around others):
- Nancy Pelosi seen without mask inside San Francisco hair salon Published 3 September 2020
- Video shows hordes of maskless people at Pelosi fundraiser By David Meyer August 22, 2021
- Fury as Pelosi goes maskless indoors at Ivy Getty’s mobbed San Fran society wedding while schoolkids in California are forced to wear one seven hours a day even outside in recess By ROSS IBBETSON and LAUREN LEWIS FOR DAILYMAIL.COM 10 November 2021
Take-away point
People who are passive-aggressive communicators present one way, but behave in a different way. It is difficult to be in a healthy relationship with someone who is a passive-aggressive communicator.
Quotes about being passive-aggressive:
“I’d rather have an enemy who admits that they hate me than a friend who secretly puts me down.”
Karen Salmansohn (1974- )
“You cannot become a peacemaker without communication. Silence is a passive-aggressive grenade thrown by insecure people that want war, but they don’t want the accountability of starting it.”
Sharon L. Alder (1965- )
The above quotes are from: TheHealthy.com 17 Quotes that Shed Light on Passive-Aggressive Behavior
With warmest regards,
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