Domestic Abuse Is An Important Community Issue

For 40+ years as a clinical social worker and 23 years as the director and co-facilitator of a batterers’ intervention program, I have worked extensively with both victims and perpetrators of domestic abuse/violence in which the perpetrator was male and the victim was female. The information in this article is exclusive to male to female domestic abuse/violence.

While I acknowledge there are other forms of interpersonal abuse, for example, female to male, or same sex violence/abuse, these are not my areas of expertise. For this reason, any reference to “perpetrators” or “batterers” will be in reference to males. Any reference to “victim” or “survivor” will be in reference to females.

Trigger Warning: The material in the article may be triggering for victims of domestic abuse/violence, sexual abuse/assault or human trafficking. If you would like support or assistance, and it is safe to do so, please contact:

Domestic abuse/violence: National Domestic Violence Hotline at 800-799-7233
Sexual abuse/assault: National Sexual Assault Hotline at 800-656-4673
Human trafficking: National Human Trafficking Hotline at 888-373-7888

The Difference between Domestic Abuse, Domestic Violence and Intimate Partner Violence

Everyone’s experience with domestic abuse is different. Although abusive behavior can leave observable physical effects, at other times there will be no trace of physical abuse at all. The abuse can happen frequently, or only once. However, inflicting or experiencing any behaviors can constitute an abusive relationship.

Domestic abuse: Domestic abuse or DA is an umbrella term that typically includes a combination of emotional, physical, sexual and verbal abuse toward an intimate partner. This is the term I use most frequently.

Domestic violence: Domestic violence or DV focuses on criminal behavior. It can also focus on familial violence, for example, parent to child or child to parent.

Intimate partner violence: Intimate partner violence or IPV is a newer term that focuses exclusively on the emotional, physical, sexual and verbal abuse of an intimate partner.

Definition of Domestic Abuse

This is the definition of domestic abuse I have used for the last 30 years:

Domestic abuse is not about losing control, but a systematic method of asserting and maintaining power and control over a current or former intimate partner and/or a situation involving a current or former intimate partner.

It is helpful to break down this definition into its more manageable parts:

Domestic abuse is not about losing control: Many men who are abusive will say, “I just lost it” as an excuse for their behavior. This is a lie and an excuse.

but a systematic method: Domestic abuse is rarely a random act. It is behavior that in some variation is organized and planned to be abusive.

of asserting and maintaining power and control: Men already have power and control. Batterers only have to assert and maintain the power and control they already have.

over a current or former intimate partner: Men can maintain power and control over a current or a former partner long after the relationship is over.

and/or a situation involving a current or former intimate partner: A batterer never needs to touch his partner or former partner to control her.

Domestic Abuse is Not an Anger Management Issue

Men are abusive because they can physically, and because it gets them what they want in the shortest amount of time, with the least amount of effort.

There are three main points concerning the myth that batterers cannot control their anger:

Anger is a universal emotion, and batterers certainly feel the emotion of anger. It just isn’t the cause of their abuse.
The expression of anger by a batterer is one tactic used by batterers to assert and maintain power and control over their intimate partner.
If a batterer can convince his victim that his behavior is the result of anger, not abuse, his behavior is more likely to be forgiven.

His “Anger” vs. Her Anger

A batterer doesn’t have a problem with his own expression of “anger”; he has a problem with his victim’s expression of her anger. Frequently a batterer will justify his abuse by saying his behavior was in retaliation for his victim expressing her anger. Domestic abuse is all about blaming her.

Batterers see the expression of her anger as a personal attack on him and his manhood. Many batterers see themselves almost as martyrs for “putting up with” their victim’s anger. The batterer would love to convince his victim it was her anger that was destroying their relationship, not his abuse.

In public he can seem like “such a nice guy”, but in private he can be a controlling, violent monster. When she tries to tell others of his abuse behind closed doors, she is often seen as “crazy” or “angry”. This plays right into a batterer’s dehumanization of his victim.

One of the clues that a man may be a batterer is when he verbalizes, “I am such a nice guy!” It is like he is trying to convince even himself! If someone is a “nice guy”, he doesn’t need to tell you; everyone will already know by his words and actions!

Anger as an Abuse Tactic

Batterers are abusive to their intimate partners because emotionally and physically they can and because their behavior gets them what they want. Anger is frequently used as an abuse tactic. How do we know this? Because:

He picks who he batters, for example, he is not abusive to his boss, or his co-workers, only his partner/victim.
He chooses where on her body he is physically abusive, for example, if he wants to remain the “nice guy” in public, he will be physically abusive where she can cover her bruising with clothing.
He chooses when he batters, for example, behind closed doors, when the children are in school, when no one else is around. Never in public.
He stops when it benefits him to do so, for example, if police come to the door, he can become instantly calm. He has a huge investment in being seen as the “nice guy”.

What is Emotional Abuse?

Emotional abuse is a series of acts that:

Prevents the victim from doing something she wants to do; and/or
Forces her to do something she doesn’t want to do; and/or
Causes her to feel afraid.

Examples of emotional abuse include, but are not limited to:

Criticism: called her names; mocked her; ridiculed her; made accusations against her; criticized her friends; criticized the way she does things.

Economic Abuse: withheld money / financial support; made her account for spending; overspent on himself; gave her an allowance; took money from her.

Emotional Withholding: ignored her; withheld information from her; didn’t follow through on an agreement with her; lied to her; withheld emotional support

Harassment: made uninvited visits to her home, school or work; followed her around; checked up on her; embarrassed her in public; did not leave when she asked him to.

Intimidation: claimed to be “the authority”; swore at her; used his size to intimidate her; claimed to know “the truth”; abused pets; stood over her.

Isolation: didn’t tell her his plans; stayed out late; prevented / made it difficult for her to see or talk to her friends; turned his family against her.

Pressure Tactics: sulked; told her what she could and could not do; shouted “over” her; rushed her to make decisions; had her lie for him; badgered her.

Threats: threatened to kill or physically harm her, her family, her friends or her co-workers; threatened pets; threatened suicide.

Used Children: criticized her to the children; undermined her authority with the children; manipulated the children to “take sides”; criticized her parenting skills.

What is Physical Abuse?

Physical abuse is a series of physical acts that:

Prevents the victim from doing something she wants to do; and/or
Forces her to do something she doesn’t want to do; and/or
Causes her to feel afraid.

Examples of physical abuse include, but are not limited to:

Hands on: slapped her; punched her; grabbed her; shoved her; kicked her; strangled her; pushed her; pulled her hair; pinched her; bit her; twisted her arm.

Restraint: disabled her car; blocked her exit; locked her in a room; sat on her; taken her car keys; prevented her from using the telephone; stood over her.

Weapons: used weapons against her; kept weapons around to scare her; threatened her, her family, her friends, her co-workers with weapons.

Physical Effects: scratches; internal injury; bleeding; unconsciousness; bruises; broken bones; miscarriage; swelling; burns; concussion; broken teeth; stitches.

What is Sexual Abuse?

Sexual abuse is a series of sexual acts that:

Prevents the victim from doing something she wants to do; and/or
Forces her to do something she doesn’t want to do; and/or
Causes her to feel afraid.

Examples of sexual abuse include, but are not limited to:

Contact: used force or threats to have sex; pressured her to do things sexually she didn’t want to do; used sex to “make up” after an argument.

Coercion: pressured her to look at pornography; exposed her to STDs; had affairs; took nude photos and then circulated them on the internet.

Male Privilege: got in the “last word”; made dismissing statements such as “whatever”; made all major decisions in the family without input from her.

What is Verbal Abuse?

Verbal abuse is the vehicle, or the method of delivery, of emotional, physical and/or sexual abuse. Verbal abuse:

Prevents the victim from doing something she wants to do; and/or
Forces her to do something she doesn’t want to do; and/or
Causes her to feel afraid.

Examples of verbal abuse include, but are not limited to:

“You brought this on yourself.”
“It’s all your fault.”
“I saw you looking at him.”
“You drive me crazy.”
“You deserve this.”
“You can’t do anything right.”
“You made me hit you.”
“What goes on in this house, stays in this house.”
“That didn’t hurt.”
“You’re too stupid to get a job/go to school.”
“No one will ever want you but me.”
“Can’t you take a joke?”
“If you leave me, I will tell everyone you are gay.”
“If you leave, you are not taking Rover of Fluffy.” (pets)
“If you leave, you are not taking the kids.”
“If I can’t have you, then no one will.”

Can Batterers Change?

Yes. However, changing will not be as the result of his involvement with the criminal justice system, pleading for change from his victim, his abstinence from alcohol or other drugs, or a light bulb moment where he suddenly realizes he has been abusive and miraculously changes his behavior.

It will take a long time, a lot of effort and incredible self-awareness on his part. It will probably include professional help. This change will not happen quickly.

But I am also a firm believer that just as men learned how to be abusive, they can unlearn that behavior, and relearn how to be nonabusive. I have seen it happen.

Couples Counseling

Couples counseling is a HORRIBLE idea until the batterer has completed the work he needs to do to be nonabusive. This will be months of intense work on his part. Don’t be fooled or taken in by promises of “doing better” or by a few days of demonstrating nonabusive behavior.

Couples counseling implies that any problems within the relationship are 50/50, 50% her fault, 50% his fault. When there is domestic abuse, this is just not so!

During couples counseling, she gets lulled into believing it is a safe place to talk about their relationship. It is virtually guaranteed that any information he obtains during therapy will be used against her when they are in private and that his abuse of her will only intensify.

Summary

DA, DV or IPV all identify a pattern of behavior that is harmful to women. Emotional, physical, sexual or verbal abuse or any combination of abuse is harmful and destructive to an intimate relationship. Men are abusive because they can, physically and emotionally, and because their behavior gets them what they want in the least amount of time with the least amount of effort.

It is the batterers’ choice to be abusive. Going to jail or begging from the victim will not change his abusive behavior. If he has not done the necessary work, going to couples counseling will only make life more dangerous for the victim.

The batterer is the only one who can stop his abuse.

Trigger Warning:

Again, if reading this article has been triggering and you would like support or assistance, and it is safe for you to do so, please contact one of the following resources. Someone is available 24/7. You are not alone.

Victims of domestic abuse/violence: please contact your local resource center for victims of domestic abuse and/or the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 800-799-7233.
Victims of sexual abuse/assault: please contact your local resource center for victims of sexual abuse/assault and/or the National Sexual Assault Hotline at 800-656-4673.
Victims of human trafficking: please contact the National Human Trafficking Hotline at 888 373-7888.

For more information

If you would like to read blogs I have written on domestic abuse, please refer to:

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All photos and graphics within my website and blogs were taken or created by David Harrington or Kathryn Maietta.

Posted 6/2024