The term ambiguous loss was coined by Dr. Pauline Boss (1934-) in the 1970s; it involves lingering uncertainty about the loss of someone rather than a loss due to death. Death involves a clear loss of expected and validated feelings of grief and sadness. Many times, however, people can feel significant loss when there isn’t a death. It can be more difficult to recognize and validate these emotions.

Ambiguous loss is the loss of an emotional connection when a person’s physical presence remains, or when that emotional connection remains but a physical connection is lost. Often, there isn’t a sense of closure. It can feel lonely, stressful, and confusing. Your feelings need to be validated and the significance of the experience recognized.

Ambiguous loss is a type of unresolved grief involving a loss without closure, where a loved one is either physically gone but psychologically present (i.e., a missing person or a divorce) or physically present but psychologically absent (i.e., dementia or addiction). With ambiguous loss, there is no definitive end to the relationship or the loss. It is a trauma that lingers and can cause prolonged confusion and sadness.

Types of Ambiguous Loss

Many scenarios could generate feelings of ambiguous loss. This loss can be the result of your decisions or be a situation entirely outside of your control.

Goodbye without leaving

This happens when the person you are grieving is physically alive but not emotionally or rationally part of your life. For example, divorce, estrangement, incarceration, or a chronic illness like dementia. The relationship you had with the person is over or substantially changed. A familiar sentiment is shared by a caregiver for someone with memory loss, who yearns for the relationship before their loved one’s dementia progressed.

Leaving without a goodbye

You may mourn a person who is physically gone under circumstances where you are unsure if they are dead or alive. For example, the person may have an addiction that leads to abandonment, or it could be a missing person scenario similar to the Nancy Guthrie case. These situations are difficult because you aren’t able to say your farewells. There may not be a traditional funeral or another mourning period, which can lead to a lack of closure. This sense of loss is also experienced by children when a parent leaves the family due to a divorce.

Situational goodbye

Sometimes, feelings of ambiguous loss aren’t due to a relationship change but occur because of other situations. They could affect you personally or occur elsewhere but cause significant feelings of loss in your life. These situations have increased in the last few years.

Covid could be an example of ambiguous loss. When the country shut down, families were denied access to other family members. People died without the closeness of family and friends. Another example of ambiguous loss can be a natural disaster, for example, the July 4, 2025 flood in Kerrville, Texas. 135 people died when the Guadalupe River rose 26 feet in 45 minutes.

Hostage situations are examples of ambiguous loss, for example, Nancy Guthrie. Another example of ambiguous loss was the Hamas-led attack on Israel on October 7, 2023, in which 251 hostages were taken and approximately 1,200 people were killed. Most of the hostages were released alive over the course of the next two years in exchange for 250 Palestinian prisoners and 1,718 detainees from Gaza.

Never since the Civil War have families been torn apart by politics as they are today. Pro- and anti-MAGA protesters have affected family gatherings. Many reports include families who refuse to get together for Thanksgiving due to differing political views. Many mourn the loss of relationships due to politics.

Coping Skills

Remember these coping tips as you navigate your ambiguous loss journey:

Identify your loss

It’s important to validate your ambiguous loss. One way to do this is to write down everything in your life that has changed or will change due to the loss. Nothing is too small to include. Don’t minimize your list as that can short-circuit your journey. When you are done with your list, share it with a trusted friend, family member, or mental health counselor.

Recognize multiple emotions

During the grieving process, many people experience multiple emotions simultaneously. You can feel relieved to have your divorce finalized but saddened over the loss of the future you envisioned. A loved one’s dementia diagnosis can make you distressed, even as you welcome the opportunity to spend more quality time together and continue to visit often.

Don’t compare

It’s impossible to compare emotions because people aren’t simple or the same. There are many variables or contributing factors that are more or less important to each person. It isn’t helpful to minimize your grief because your situation doesn’t include death. Remember that grieving can compound as well. For example, a person could be moving a child to college, caring for an ill family member, and coming to terms with an estranged loved one. Separately, these situations may be manageable, but when they happen simultaneously, the person could struggle with deep feelings of ambiguous loss.

Consider ceremonies

When there is a physical death, it’s common for the community to gather to pay tribute to the lost person and lend support to those grieving. Traditions vary, but there is usually a memorial service, sharing of meals, and retelling of happy memories. While full closure may not be possible with ambiguous loss, ceremonial activities can provide therapeutic benefits. You could write a letter to the person, plant a tree, donate money or time, host a remembrance ceremony, or do other meaningful activities. A mental health counselor can help you find a creative way to process your loss through such ceremonies.

Seek support

People aren’t meant to carry their emotions alone. Most need others to help them work through their feelings and move forward. Family members, friends, social support groups and your faith community are good resources to help you work through your feelings. You may be able to find a support group focused on a particular type of ambiguous loss, such as divorce, estrangement, addiction, or missing persons.

Professional counseling can help you explore your emotions and develop healthy coping skills.

Summary

Ambiguous loss can be devastating. Support may not be as present for you as for the death of a family member. It doesn’t mean your loss is not equally devastating. In some ways, it could be even worse, as the unknown is sometimes the most difficult thing to manage.

With warmest regards,

Thank you so much for reading this blog. If you enjoyed the content, please check out other blogs at:
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RVingNomads.com

In addition to blogs and articles, I have written a series of self-help books called The Personal Empowerment Series and a fictional series named The Charlotte Novella Series. To view my books and novellas I have written, please go to my Amazon Authors Page.

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Kathryn Maietta, MSW, LCSW Licensed Clinical Social Worker / Author and Blogger

I am a licensed clinical social worker in Maine and in Texas. The focus of my practice has been working individually with adult men and women and working with couples. I received my BSW from Baylor University and my MSW from Boston University. Since 2020 I have published a series of self-help books and written a bi-weekly mental health blog.

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